Sometimes it seems God allows us to experience difficult circumstances, trials, and obstacles to see how we'll handle them. It's almost like a test to see if we'll turn to him for help. Sometimes it's to discipline or teach us something. Sometimes God allows trials and suffering to stretch us, to increase our faith and to help us develop perseverance. As hard as things get, God says to simply trust him for help and we'll get through it.
Through these trials, God strengthens us, sanctifies us, reveals our sins, and can purify our hearts. He is gracious and patient with us. He gives us new revelations, insight, and wisdom. He is faithful to offer his presence, comfort and peace. He transforms our hearts, calms our times of anger, changes our perspective, and renews our minds. He calls us to repentance, reconciliation, holiness, and fellowship with him. He calls us to respond in love, even when it seems difficult. He calls us to cling to our faith when we face trials. Everyday is a new opportunity to start fresh, and to change the way we respond to our trials.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
no depression?
Lately, I've been super confused. Do you ever not quite know how you feel? You just feel outta place. For a while i thought I was depressed. but I actually went to the therapist, and the intake intern lady said that I probably wasn't depressed because it usually prevents you from getting normal daily task done. I don't have the symptoms of a change in my appetite or sleeping habits. I still have the same amount of energy and can concentrate normally. But then why all these depressed emotions? She said I'm probably just really sad. And i think it's because i feel lonely. One symptom of depression is finding less interest in things. I feel like the only thing that makes me come alive is the gym. the rest of the week jus seems boring or painful.
She mentioned that I really value relationships. And i was like.. uh who doesn't? Isn't community, friends and family important to everyone? She asked if i'm more independent or independent. And I think i still see myself as dependent on others. She also made me realize that i'm kinda becoming more of an extrovert. Mainly because i draw energy from hanging out with people. And i think wanting to share a conversation with someone but not having anyone to really talk to is making me feel like no one is really there. Imagine all the thoughts you have throughout the day, and having no one to really share them with. i guess that's why i write blogs, lol.
I feel like i'm not ready to grow up. When we were young, it was about having fun, watching movies, playing sports and hanging out. Then we go through all this school, and we're given responsibility. We're forced to focus on our careers, so we can afford to buy things and provide for a family. And somewhere in between we lose touch with old friends. People become busy, they move away, and we slowly lose contact. But i guess that's the norm. And we're always given the opportunity to make new friendships.
I'll be getting my actual therapist next week. It's really nice having someone be a great listener and have them ask you questions about yourself. They really dive deep into how my growing up experience and home of origin affects me today. $20 for an hour half isn't a bad deal. It's also good for me to get experience being counseled. I feel like i over think too much and it gives me too much to say. I jus don't get why i'm feeling so down and empty when there's nothing big going wrong. I wish God and/or therapist would jus magically fix me. I also don't like when the weather is so gray and cloudy. it makes me jus wanna stay in bed and not do anything. no sunlight makes chris sad. and pale.
I stepped down from ministry to give myself more availability to take care of myself, to receive, learn and also to do the internship. However, the internship isn't really what I expected. But if anything, it's encouraging to see how there are a lot of hurting people turning to the care ministry for help. People are desperate to have God heal them in their wounded areas. However, it doesn't really seem like counseling since they mainly just watch a DVD. Anyways, i feel like i have more time, but i'm still not able to take care of myself. Why do I feel like i'm struggling spiritually more times than not? Am i too critical of myself and my expectations? I think i just need to get into the habit of desiring to spend more personal time with God. Sometimes it requires discipline to make that intentional time with Him. I definitely need patience and stillness to wait upon Him.
I bombed my hebrew test, but least the prof will let us do a retake.. I only have 1 day of class this week becuz of mission conference. and then i also have March 28-April 7th off. And i have a feeling that i won't really do anything. I guess that's nothing to complain about. I'm not quite sure what's wrong with me. I don't feel normal, I don't feel happy. The therapist made me realize how i really fear losing friendships. I understand that people are busy and how distance also puts a strain on relationships, but i guess i just fear losing bonds completely. I feel like i spend most of my days alone.
My old roommate was great cuz we could talk for hours and we'd go out to do things often. I like my friend as a roommate now, but I can't spend much time with him since he's always talking to his gf. It feels like only my parents would want to listen to me, but i usually can't share a lot of things with them without them over worrying. Right now i feel like tommy pickles. I need an adventure. but i'm stuck in this darn baby pin called school. But then after school it's jus work for the rest of my life. and if work isn't fulfilling.. then what?
My old friend from junior high has been doing mission trips in cambodia. I really admire people who are willing to devote and give themselves for the sake of blessing others. Sometimes i really wish i could just go out to a third world country to serve others. We easily forget about how wealthy and comfortable we are in america. Some places have so little, and live through such difficult circumstances. But I see my friend giving her life to the people and their culture. I feel like i'm wasting my life right now. But i guess these are the hoops i hafta jump through to become a pastoral counselor. Makes me wonder if i'm even qualified since i struggle with so many things myself. I find it strange how we know relationships are important, and yet we devote most of our time to securing a stable income or career. Sometimes i wish we didn't have to worry about money. it'd make life so much easier. God please help me.
She mentioned that I really value relationships. And i was like.. uh who doesn't? Isn't community, friends and family important to everyone? She asked if i'm more independent or independent. And I think i still see myself as dependent on others. She also made me realize that i'm kinda becoming more of an extrovert. Mainly because i draw energy from hanging out with people. And i think wanting to share a conversation with someone but not having anyone to really talk to is making me feel like no one is really there. Imagine all the thoughts you have throughout the day, and having no one to really share them with. i guess that's why i write blogs, lol.
I feel like i'm not ready to grow up. When we were young, it was about having fun, watching movies, playing sports and hanging out. Then we go through all this school, and we're given responsibility. We're forced to focus on our careers, so we can afford to buy things and provide for a family. And somewhere in between we lose touch with old friends. People become busy, they move away, and we slowly lose contact. But i guess that's the norm. And we're always given the opportunity to make new friendships.
I'll be getting my actual therapist next week. It's really nice having someone be a great listener and have them ask you questions about yourself. They really dive deep into how my growing up experience and home of origin affects me today. $20 for an hour half isn't a bad deal. It's also good for me to get experience being counseled. I feel like i over think too much and it gives me too much to say. I jus don't get why i'm feeling so down and empty when there's nothing big going wrong. I wish God and/or therapist would jus magically fix me. I also don't like when the weather is so gray and cloudy. it makes me jus wanna stay in bed and not do anything. no sunlight makes chris sad. and pale.
I stepped down from ministry to give myself more availability to take care of myself, to receive, learn and also to do the internship. However, the internship isn't really what I expected. But if anything, it's encouraging to see how there are a lot of hurting people turning to the care ministry for help. People are desperate to have God heal them in their wounded areas. However, it doesn't really seem like counseling since they mainly just watch a DVD. Anyways, i feel like i have more time, but i'm still not able to take care of myself. Why do I feel like i'm struggling spiritually more times than not? Am i too critical of myself and my expectations? I think i just need to get into the habit of desiring to spend more personal time with God. Sometimes it requires discipline to make that intentional time with Him. I definitely need patience and stillness to wait upon Him.
I bombed my hebrew test, but least the prof will let us do a retake.. I only have 1 day of class this week becuz of mission conference. and then i also have March 28-April 7th off. And i have a feeling that i won't really do anything. I guess that's nothing to complain about. I'm not quite sure what's wrong with me. I don't feel normal, I don't feel happy. The therapist made me realize how i really fear losing friendships. I understand that people are busy and how distance also puts a strain on relationships, but i guess i just fear losing bonds completely. I feel like i spend most of my days alone.
My old roommate was great cuz we could talk for hours and we'd go out to do things often. I like my friend as a roommate now, but I can't spend much time with him since he's always talking to his gf. It feels like only my parents would want to listen to me, but i usually can't share a lot of things with them without them over worrying. Right now i feel like tommy pickles. I need an adventure. but i'm stuck in this darn baby pin called school. But then after school it's jus work for the rest of my life. and if work isn't fulfilling.. then what?
My old friend from junior high has been doing mission trips in cambodia. I really admire people who are willing to devote and give themselves for the sake of blessing others. Sometimes i really wish i could just go out to a third world country to serve others. We easily forget about how wealthy and comfortable we are in america. Some places have so little, and live through such difficult circumstances. But I see my friend giving her life to the people and their culture. I feel like i'm wasting my life right now. But i guess these are the hoops i hafta jump through to become a pastoral counselor. Makes me wonder if i'm even qualified since i struggle with so many things myself. I find it strange how we know relationships are important, and yet we devote most of our time to securing a stable income or career. Sometimes i wish we didn't have to worry about money. it'd make life so much easier. God please help me.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
bball
The past three days i played bball at the gym. I usually like to run a full court game jus for the sake of exercise. Friday n Saturday I scored about 4pts a game. Which honestly feels like 100, lol.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Intentionally Relational
If you know me, you know i'm not naturally the most outgoing person. I still consider myself shy and introverted. And if you don't know me, then why are u reading my blog! lol jus joke.. Growing up, both my parents kept trying to teach me how to communicate well with others. Both my parents are highly others minded and show a lot of consideration to how others may feel. I think we asians are too timid to open our mouths, and fear drawing any attention to ourselves. I always admired how more Caucasian people naturally have more confidence to speak, greet, and be social.
The tricky and difficult part is when the Holy Spirit kinda nudges you to greet someone or to speak words of encouragement. I think we need to overcome the nervous fears of interacting with people we don't know or don't relate to. I think of how Paul told Peter to not jus interact with the Jews, but that he should also be inclusive to the Gentiles. Sometimes, we just get comfortable talking to only our friends and people we know. God calls us to step outside our comfort zone, and to reach out to people.
Tonight, I met this girl after the church's grief share meeting. I tried to be intentional and asked the usual questions to get to know someone. She mentioned that she moved here for school and didn't have much friends. In fact she has a hard time making friends. I mentioned how it's hard and scary to move somewhere where you don't really know too many people. I encouraged her to come to the young adult group or sunday services. Sometimes we all go through pains, seasons of loneliness, or just times when we feel like no one is really there for us. Sometimes it just takes an ounce of courage to try and make a new friend. I think asking questions is the best way to start interacting with people.
When we're younger, it's somewhat easy to make friends since you see the same people in all your classes. But as you get older out of school, you really do need to make the intention of being social. God can use us in small ways to do big things. Sometimes i get so caught up with, how do i benefit out of this time, what am i getting out of this, how is this meeting my needs. When really God says, you're actually here to give, serve, pray and minister to people. God's loving spirit in community offers healing to brokenness. As Christians we need to be intentionally relational and to have the boldness to act when an opportunity arises.
The tricky and difficult part is when the Holy Spirit kinda nudges you to greet someone or to speak words of encouragement. I think we need to overcome the nervous fears of interacting with people we don't know or don't relate to. I think of how Paul told Peter to not jus interact with the Jews, but that he should also be inclusive to the Gentiles. Sometimes, we just get comfortable talking to only our friends and people we know. God calls us to step outside our comfort zone, and to reach out to people.
Tonight, I met this girl after the church's grief share meeting. I tried to be intentional and asked the usual questions to get to know someone. She mentioned that she moved here for school and didn't have much friends. In fact she has a hard time making friends. I mentioned how it's hard and scary to move somewhere where you don't really know too many people. I encouraged her to come to the young adult group or sunday services. Sometimes we all go through pains, seasons of loneliness, or just times when we feel like no one is really there for us. Sometimes it just takes an ounce of courage to try and make a new friend. I think asking questions is the best way to start interacting with people.
When we're younger, it's somewhat easy to make friends since you see the same people in all your classes. But as you get older out of school, you really do need to make the intention of being social. God can use us in small ways to do big things. Sometimes i get so caught up with, how do i benefit out of this time, what am i getting out of this, how is this meeting my needs. When really God says, you're actually here to give, serve, pray and minister to people. God's loving spirit in community offers healing to brokenness. As Christians we need to be intentionally relational and to have the boldness to act when an opportunity arises.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
just a thought
Have you ever wondered what you wanna do with your life? lol if not u should. Lately i have this deep yearning to do something big, courageous, daring and something that shares the gospel. I want to use this life to be self-sacrificing. It's so hard to die to the self. It's almost as if we're programed to self-gratify ourselves with comforts. As much as it always seems we don't have enough money. We're still the top 12% richest people on the planet. What's tricky is that, even if you desire to serve and give your life towards something, what are your true intentions and reasons why? I'm conflicted, because i know i desire to have a family, a stable career and a above average home. I guess.. i've been seeing all our education and work, as pretty self-centered.
When we're really honest with ourself, we really only care about ourselves. If we were to make a pie chart of how much we invest into serving, helping others, and sharing the love of Christ with others, we might make a 1% piece of pie. I guess i'm jus convicted that so many people don't know God, and that so many Christians including myself, aren't taking any action to do anything about it. And yet, even when we get super convicted and watch a sad commercial of hungry children, how often do we do anything about it. I find myself being greedy and selfish with money and possessions. I've considered doing small scale evangelism, starting up a simple ministry or doing a mission trip. I've even considered the peace core, cuz im sure it'd be a great experience. I feel like i wanna jus go somewhere, serve people, cut off technology and American luxuries. Perhaps it'd be easier to commune with God. But would i truly be serving for the sake of God's kingdom, or would it jus be to feel better about myself. Even tho i'm in seminary. I feel stagnant. I feel like it's all jus academics and head knowledge. Theology is necessary, but so is a deep intimacy and personal relationship with God.
It seems like fulfillment, purpose, and significance, don't really have anything in common with finical success. On one hand, i don't wanna be dirty poor working my butt off, working multiple jobs just to hold a roof over my head. It'd be nice to save money for kids, traveling vacations, and shiny household appliances. It'd be nice not having to worry about paying off debt. But would those things really make me happy? Wouldn't i jus be conforming to the big machine system of society and the american dream? On the other hand, i could see myself devoting my time towards really investing in people's lives and leading people closer to Jesus. And i guess some of my fears, keep those intentions as mere dreams.
I think jus thinkin about the future made me begin to think what i want to do with my life.. i mean.. should i go for more counseling MFT or MSW to become a professional therapist? If so, why did i go to seminary? Should i jus do pastoral counseling in the church? But no church offers that as a full time job. Do i need to pick up another career like biblical teaching in high school? God what am i supposed to do?
I feel like God is pressing on me to die to my selfish comfortable ways, and to become more bold in faith. Faith is trusting God, regardless of how tempting easier options look. I say to myself, "well maybe i'll jus do somethings for God on a smaller scale." And sure we can do little things here and there. But, how much greater would it be, if we were really able to give God all of ourselves? I want a simple yet strong faith, that says, all i really want and need is my God. All i want to do is praise Him, serve, obey and live in holiness. But realistically, it's hard to do that if your not a monk. In our world, distractions are luring. The enemy says, "What's wrong with living for yourself? You can be comfortable, safe, rich." I guess i'm starting to understand why Jesus always compared seeking first his kingdom to seeking after money. I guess it's hard when we can't jus completely ignore the use and need of money. John Piper said, being rich is almost always a curse. And i guess i don't think being rich is bad, but i think it jus makes u lose sight of what's really important in life. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world and yet forfeit their soul?
Honestly, whens the last time we prayed for someone? When's the last time we spent more than a few quick minutes, to intentionally be present with God? I know the christian life isn't by how much we do, and that God loves us regardless. However, arn't good trees naturally supposed to bear good fruit? Isn't faith without works dead? As Christians, we're commissioned by God to do great things! The church is supposed to be a vehicle that disciples, equips and sends people out to reach the lost and the broken. I think the majority of us are jus paralyzed with fear, lacking the boldness to start something new, or to do something daring, big and courageous. We fear rejection, persecution, a conflict, or get afraid they'll ask us hard questions. But what's the consequence if we don't open our mouths, and don't reach out? In a sense, we're allowing them to face judgement and condemnation for their sins. We need to overcome our fears and social pressures about sharing God with others. How the heck are we supposed to share Jesus when we barely talk about him with other christians? How can i share God with others, when i myself don't really spend any time with Him? I think.. if we really knew God, we would want to make him known. If we really encountered God's love and forgiving grace, I don't think we'd just wanna keep it to ourselves.
I watched a movie called "Moonrise Kingdom." And it was pretty darn good. It's about a young boy and girl who run away and try to escape their routine lives. Other things didn't matter, as long as they were together. Sometimes i really wonder what that'd be like. What if I were to surrender it all? If God asked, could i give up marriage? If God asked me, move to a 3rd world country and live there the rest of your life, could i do it? Is my faith strong enough to move when God directs me to? I guess those are more extreme scenarios. I guess i jus don't want to live a normal, boring, and mediocre life. What am i really living for? Who am i really living for?
lol i know this blog was about deeper things. But i jus watched a movie called "Silver Linings Playbook." and it was about a guy who's bipolar and is obsessed with this girl. And i guess he meets another girl who also has a bunch of dark issues. And his dad has OCD and is kinda chaotic too. So there's so much chaos, dysfunction and arguments. but practicing a dance routine with this girl became his therapy, and eventually they're able to heal and move on from their crazy past. Sometimes we get obsessed with something we think we want. but in reality maybe God has something else in mind. just a thought.
When we're really honest with ourself, we really only care about ourselves. If we were to make a pie chart of how much we invest into serving, helping others, and sharing the love of Christ with others, we might make a 1% piece of pie. I guess i'm jus convicted that so many people don't know God, and that so many Christians including myself, aren't taking any action to do anything about it. And yet, even when we get super convicted and watch a sad commercial of hungry children, how often do we do anything about it. I find myself being greedy and selfish with money and possessions. I've considered doing small scale evangelism, starting up a simple ministry or doing a mission trip. I've even considered the peace core, cuz im sure it'd be a great experience. I feel like i wanna jus go somewhere, serve people, cut off technology and American luxuries. Perhaps it'd be easier to commune with God. But would i truly be serving for the sake of God's kingdom, or would it jus be to feel better about myself. Even tho i'm in seminary. I feel stagnant. I feel like it's all jus academics and head knowledge. Theology is necessary, but so is a deep intimacy and personal relationship with God.
It seems like fulfillment, purpose, and significance, don't really have anything in common with finical success. On one hand, i don't wanna be dirty poor working my butt off, working multiple jobs just to hold a roof over my head. It'd be nice to save money for kids, traveling vacations, and shiny household appliances. It'd be nice not having to worry about paying off debt. But would those things really make me happy? Wouldn't i jus be conforming to the big machine system of society and the american dream? On the other hand, i could see myself devoting my time towards really investing in people's lives and leading people closer to Jesus. And i guess some of my fears, keep those intentions as mere dreams.
I think jus thinkin about the future made me begin to think what i want to do with my life.. i mean.. should i go for more counseling MFT or MSW to become a professional therapist? If so, why did i go to seminary? Should i jus do pastoral counseling in the church? But no church offers that as a full time job. Do i need to pick up another career like biblical teaching in high school? God what am i supposed to do?
I feel like God is pressing on me to die to my selfish comfortable ways, and to become more bold in faith. Faith is trusting God, regardless of how tempting easier options look. I say to myself, "well maybe i'll jus do somethings for God on a smaller scale." And sure we can do little things here and there. But, how much greater would it be, if we were really able to give God all of ourselves? I want a simple yet strong faith, that says, all i really want and need is my God. All i want to do is praise Him, serve, obey and live in holiness. But realistically, it's hard to do that if your not a monk. In our world, distractions are luring. The enemy says, "What's wrong with living for yourself? You can be comfortable, safe, rich." I guess i'm starting to understand why Jesus always compared seeking first his kingdom to seeking after money. I guess it's hard when we can't jus completely ignore the use and need of money. John Piper said, being rich is almost always a curse. And i guess i don't think being rich is bad, but i think it jus makes u lose sight of what's really important in life. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world and yet forfeit their soul?
Honestly, whens the last time we prayed for someone? When's the last time we spent more than a few quick minutes, to intentionally be present with God? I know the christian life isn't by how much we do, and that God loves us regardless. However, arn't good trees naturally supposed to bear good fruit? Isn't faith without works dead? As Christians, we're commissioned by God to do great things! The church is supposed to be a vehicle that disciples, equips and sends people out to reach the lost and the broken. I think the majority of us are jus paralyzed with fear, lacking the boldness to start something new, or to do something daring, big and courageous. We fear rejection, persecution, a conflict, or get afraid they'll ask us hard questions. But what's the consequence if we don't open our mouths, and don't reach out? In a sense, we're allowing them to face judgement and condemnation for their sins. We need to overcome our fears and social pressures about sharing God with others. How the heck are we supposed to share Jesus when we barely talk about him with other christians? How can i share God with others, when i myself don't really spend any time with Him? I think.. if we really knew God, we would want to make him known. If we really encountered God's love and forgiving grace, I don't think we'd just wanna keep it to ourselves.
I watched a movie called "Moonrise Kingdom." And it was pretty darn good. It's about a young boy and girl who run away and try to escape their routine lives. Other things didn't matter, as long as they were together. Sometimes i really wonder what that'd be like. What if I were to surrender it all? If God asked, could i give up marriage? If God asked me, move to a 3rd world country and live there the rest of your life, could i do it? Is my faith strong enough to move when God directs me to? I guess those are more extreme scenarios. I guess i jus don't want to live a normal, boring, and mediocre life. What am i really living for? Who am i really living for?
lol i know this blog was about deeper things. But i jus watched a movie called "Silver Linings Playbook." and it was about a guy who's bipolar and is obsessed with this girl. And i guess he meets another girl who also has a bunch of dark issues. And his dad has OCD and is kinda chaotic too. So there's so much chaos, dysfunction and arguments. but practicing a dance routine with this girl became his therapy, and eventually they're able to heal and move on from their crazy past. Sometimes we get obsessed with something we think we want. but in reality maybe God has something else in mind. just a thought.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Grief Share, Wonderment, Calling
i jus saw that i posted 115 blogs in 2012.. that averages to like 1 every 3 days, and i thought i didn't blog that much, lol.. geez chris..
the picture is from the young adult group, 18-25yr olds. It was encouraging and refreshing to worship with them, i'll probably continue going every week. Lemme know if any of u guys are interested in going. It was a little different being the new guy and trying to immerse myself into this community. I pretty much make up the whole asian population, lol. Tonight i went to a grief share thing at church. There were about 8 people there, and everyone had lost a loved one in their family.. Well except me. I jus went as an intern to observe, and i'll continue to go for a few weeks to see what it's like. We watched a video about losing a spouse. Each week, they cover difference aspects. I think it's a 14 week meeting thing. Anyways, the video had some pretty good insights.
When you lose a loved one, you don't realize that some of your hopes, plans and dreams also die. One girl later talked about how they were planning to take a trip because her dad was in remission for cancer. But now everything they wanted to do couldnt happen. Some people shared how hard doing everything the first time without a family member was hard. Like birthdays, Christmas and holidays. For spouses, being home alone, taking care of finances, sleeping alone, eating alone, and just the difficulty of losing someone so close. People made good use of those tissue boxes.
It made my heart hurt jus thinking how much these people were hurting. The lady next to me, had her father murdered, her mother also passed away from illness and her brother overdosed on drugs, all within two years. She said she turned to alcohol and couldn't deal with the responsibilities of handling money. But she shared that the experience also led her to come to church and become a christian.
.......
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
defeated
I feel stressed, tired, empty, sad, frustrated, depressed, worried, and defeated. School is kicking me in the butt. I get depressed on Monday and Wednesday from 430 on, because that's when i have hebrew. That class makes me feel really dumb. It's so hard to keep up and do all the work that gets assigned. I pretty much know everything about hebrew.. except the hebrew grammar, pronunciation, parsing, vocabulary, grammatical exceptions, conjunctions, pronouns, adjectives, suffixes, construct chains, and all the verbal paradigms. Besides all that i know it all.
It's strange that even tho i have probably the easiest hebrew teacher, the content and course is still ridiculously hard. He calls on people to read and translate sentences, sometimes randomly. So i did an easy one ahead, because if you volunteer he doesn't pick you later. So i was waiting for him to call number 2. And he doesn't always go 1,2,3,4,5 it's like number 15 on page 187, number 4 on page 189. So he said number 2, and i was like.. crap does he mean this number 2 that i did?! or another one, then some other dude raised his hand and stole the one i did. So i was panicking trying to improvise translating other sentences he might pick. Luckily class ended. It's like that everyday in class. I'm seriously so lost. I do my best to not complain about the class, but it affects me mood so much.
Gahh. and this new internship thing at this church is so time consuming. 9am Mon class with the Prof., Tuesday night for college group, 9am Wednesday morning meeting with the prof. Thursday i have class with the same Prof. then later that thursday night i hafta go to counseling groups, Sunday 9am small groups n service. And i'm supposed to get in contact with 2 other leaders to meet with them. All for a 1 credit internship course.. greaaaat... ima bout to blow up
I'm also worried about how i'll be able to form a full time career outta counseling. It seems like the 4-5yr masters of divinity degree really only gets me a part time job counseling in a church. So that makes me worry about the future. I wish everythin wasn't ran by money in this world. it jus seems to cause headaches. Sometimes i escape to a superhero fantasy dream world where everything is easy and fun. Every time i get sucked back to reality i feel like i jus endure the hard parts of the day. And I know things could always be harder and worst, but i guess i'm jus in a downer mood cuz i'm not happy with my current circumstance and responsibilities.
I was talking to my dad and he said, he woke up to leave at 6am, and he didn't wanna get outta bed, cuz he knew he'd be working till past midnight. And my mom always has tons of energy to work long hours every week too. My parents have such a hard work ethic and i feel like the complete opposite. I feel defeated when met with difficult challenges. If life was a video game, sometimes it'd be nice to put the setting on "very easy." Makes me reminisce how easy my childhood was.. play all day with your friends and have fun. Now it seems it's just school and work till you die.
least i'm goin snowboarding this weekend!!!! YAAHHH SNOOOOWWW!! AHHHH YEEAAAH!
It's strange that even tho i have probably the easiest hebrew teacher, the content and course is still ridiculously hard. He calls on people to read and translate sentences, sometimes randomly. So i did an easy one ahead, because if you volunteer he doesn't pick you later. So i was waiting for him to call number 2. And he doesn't always go 1,2,3,4,5 it's like number 15 on page 187, number 4 on page 189. So he said number 2, and i was like.. crap does he mean this number 2 that i did?! or another one, then some other dude raised his hand and stole the one i did. So i was panicking trying to improvise translating other sentences he might pick. Luckily class ended. It's like that everyday in class. I'm seriously so lost. I do my best to not complain about the class, but it affects me mood so much.
Gahh. and this new internship thing at this church is so time consuming. 9am Mon class with the Prof., Tuesday night for college group, 9am Wednesday morning meeting with the prof. Thursday i have class with the same Prof. then later that thursday night i hafta go to counseling groups, Sunday 9am small groups n service. And i'm supposed to get in contact with 2 other leaders to meet with them. All for a 1 credit internship course.. greaaaat... ima bout to blow up
I'm also worried about how i'll be able to form a full time career outta counseling. It seems like the 4-5yr masters of divinity degree really only gets me a part time job counseling in a church. So that makes me worry about the future. I wish everythin wasn't ran by money in this world. it jus seems to cause headaches. Sometimes i escape to a superhero fantasy dream world where everything is easy and fun. Every time i get sucked back to reality i feel like i jus endure the hard parts of the day. And I know things could always be harder and worst, but i guess i'm jus in a downer mood cuz i'm not happy with my current circumstance and responsibilities.
I was talking to my dad and he said, he woke up to leave at 6am, and he didn't wanna get outta bed, cuz he knew he'd be working till past midnight. And my mom always has tons of energy to work long hours every week too. My parents have such a hard work ethic and i feel like the complete opposite. I feel defeated when met with difficult challenges. If life was a video game, sometimes it'd be nice to put the setting on "very easy." Makes me reminisce how easy my childhood was.. play all day with your friends and have fun. Now it seems it's just school and work till you die.
least i'm goin snowboarding this weekend!!!! YAAHHH SNOOOOWWW!! AHHHH YEEAAAH!
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Matthew 6:25-34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
sleep, family, money, future worries
Finally came back to Cali. I already miss hawaii. Sometimes i forget how good hawaii is. It seems like a dream. My mom works 4 days a week. And then she cooks and cleans for me. My dad is usually busy with work, but always makes time to take me out to lunch or dinner. We had a really nice expensive dinner with my uncle n aunty before i left. Everything jus seems easy and stress free. I take the clean air and water for granted. I forget how beautiful and perfect the weather is. I guess i've been spoiled most my life. There were things I grew up that I thought were the norm. But now i see these were luxuries. Yeah my parents bring up finances and how they get worried about bills and payments. But for the most part, we could always afford buying things.
Even tho my parents are divorced, lately i've seen how much they really love me. I realize how lucky i am to have parents who didn't walk out on me. That they are both responsible, provide care, and actually raised me with a lot of love. I hear about a close friend, who had his parents divorced. I hear about how the dad doesn't ever see or talk to him. Altho he still pays for a lot of the expenses. the mom hasn't had a real job in a decade, has crazy medical expenses, and neglected him for her boyfriend who she smokes pot with. And then we look at my friend.. and we think he has behavioral social problems, and we wonder why. Parent attachment plays such a huge role in shaping us to who we are today.
It's now 4:30am cali time. I'd be embarrassed if you found out what time ive been sleeping this past month. I sleep when high school students need to wake up. Some things are really hard to change. I don't know how to sleep early. When i sleep at normal hours, I tend to wake up in the middle of the night. Why in the world am i blogging about how i suck at sleeping correctly? My mind becomes super alert around 2-3am. I think i'll start taking sleeping pills to help for this coming week.
I hate when i wanna blog about something, but then i go off on a random tangent. I wanted to blog how i never really worry too much about money. And now i'm worried about how i'll be able to survive financially. Pursuing ministry and seminary seems like a calling. But realistically, it's very difficult. I ran into a friend at the gym, and the topic of seminary came up. He asked questions like, "How many years did you study greek and hebrew? How long is the degree? Is it worth it? How will you pay off all your debt?" Realistically he has a point. And i knew going in, that pursuing seminary went against everything reasonable. All the time, money, and energy, to come out with a degree that doesn't really get you anywhere in the secular world. Most churches don't have counseling programs, and can't afford one. Vocationally, my options are to part time youth pastor, develop a counseling program, or teach Christianity at a school. OR go for more education getting a masters of social work or marriage and family therapy degree. Which is more time, money and energy.
I feel like i jus suck all my parents money. I feel guilty for spending so much. Everything cost money. Even small things add up. I'm fortunate that my dad banks money to give me the opportunity to study. But i still feel guilty for burning money on things i don't really need. I can be the most frugal and cheap guy u'll meet. Then all of a sudden i can drop a load of money and splurge. If it wern't for my parents, i'd be dirt poor. It's weird cuz I always told myself to value spiritual things over the material world. However, that doesn't mean we can completely ignore debt and tryin to make a living.
I once met a girl who said that she wanted to do missions. She told me about how she'd try to get a medical degree and just help people. I said, but how will you survive financially? She said confidently, "God will provide." And i know that's true theologically, but i still have a hard time trusting and believing that God will provide these things. That girl got pregnant, and now she's working two jobs jus to make ends meet. Another guy I know, who's 21, got a girl pregnant, and now his parents won't be able to retire, because he only makes minimum wage. Starting 2014, hawaii is raising minimum wage to $8.75. But as i was listening to the news, people were saying, that's still not enough to live off. They'd still need to work more hours then there are in a week to subsidize the cost of living in hawaii. When i was in hawaii, i noticed everythin got way more expensive. On the news, a guy says that he works 3 jobs to make ends meet. And the news reporter said, "but you're living in paradise." He responded, "Yeah but I have no time to enjoy it." i hate thinking about money, i wish we never had to stress about it.
It's strange how we worry so much about finances in America, when the truth is, if you make minimum wage here, you're considered the top 12% richest people in the world. We forget how hard and how impossible it'd be to grow up in different parts of the world. It's not that we forget about it, i think we jus choose to ignore it. We're too caught up with first world problems.
When you're younger, you don't worry about finical pressures. Life is laid back and easy going. Then all of a sudden, u grow older, and u realize.. crap.. after suffering in school.. i hafta work the rest of my life jus to stay above water. And you might get stuck in a job you hate. It seems like people have the aspiration to do good and to help people. Let's go help the poor and feed the homeless all over the world! but then.. crap, how in the world can I afford to give my life to helping people when i can't support myself. And this is especially if you want a family. like who doesn't. And jus because we all would like to get married, or have kids. It'd doesn't mean it'll happen. I know friends who are 26-33, and their still completely single. My mom has a bunch of 50+ friends who are single parents, or jus never found anyone. All they do is work, and come home to no one. And i guess i was thinking... What if i never find that someone to spend life with? Could i really deal with being single till i die? I'm becoming more and more positive, that if i did have the option to have kids, i wouldn't. Unless i was banking swimming pools of cash and could afford one of those living crying pooping things. How in the world do single parents, who get 4 hours of sleep a night and have young children provide? Maybe ill jus pull a house hunters international and live in some cheaper country.
Well, since my blog is already long, it won't hurt to keep going. My sleep schedule is so bad! ah!! so in this show i was watching.. this dude is a chemistry teacher and also had to work at a car wash to make ends meet. Then he gets diagnosed with cancer. And there's no way to pay for the chemotherapy treatment and all the medical bills. So he decides to cook crystal meth, and becomes a drug dealer. It's kinds hilarious, but it really displays the pressures of trying to provide for a family and kids.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Need More Time
Random thought, i realized that i don't like blogging about the things i do or did. Who really cares what i did? i
tend to blog about ideas, ambitions, thoughts and more abstract stuff. I
think i'm too ashamed to blog about all the negative things. Or admit
that i'm not doing to great. i gotta fix my sleep habit. that definitely
needs to change.
Here's something i did today. I made a trip to Macy's to return a shirt cuz it's XL, then as i'm standing there in front of the lady about to give me store credit, i say, "uhm actually.. can i try that shirt on again?? Find a mirror* Hm.. i think i'll jus try to shrink it in the wash or maybe magically get bigger." Then i walked out with the shirt ive been tryin to return for a month. ha what a waste of time.
Lately, I got sucked into stop motion filming. and then ive been spending a lot of my time figuring out how to use special effects.. Took me forever and a day, but I finally figured it out! i was super frustrated with watching a bunch of tutorials on youtube, downloading programs and tryin to get all the right plug ins. But now.. now i can make huge explosions, gun shots, sound effects, and crazy effects happen! i jus need more time!
I have this awesome idea for another stop motion video.. i have it all drawn out.. there's gonna be superheroes, laser beams, missiles, guns, blood, big explosion sounds, and now I can actually edit these effects in like cheese cake. ahh it's gonna be epic, lol im so excited for my geeky nerd dork loser lame hobby.
but daang.. i gotta go back to cali already.. I need a redo, i wish i could of relived this break and done it right. I'm not ready to go back to the blizzard cold. (but i really hope i get to go snowboarding soon) but i always wish i had more time in hawaii when it comes to leaving. I didn't get to do everything i wanted, i didn't get to go to places and see everyone i wanted to see. I still wanted to watch a bunch of movies, organize stuff, and go do a bunch of other stuff i didn't do yet!
i kno i complained about being bored, but that always trumps studying hebrew! lol most students already went back, and here i am tryin to soak the last few drops of winter break. Life is so much easier here at home with family. It's almost too comfortable. lol nahhh too comfortable!? what am i saying..
Here's something i did today. I made a trip to Macy's to return a shirt cuz it's XL, then as i'm standing there in front of the lady about to give me store credit, i say, "uhm actually.. can i try that shirt on again?? Find a mirror* Hm.. i think i'll jus try to shrink it in the wash or maybe magically get bigger." Then i walked out with the shirt ive been tryin to return for a month. ha what a waste of time.
Lately, I got sucked into stop motion filming. and then ive been spending a lot of my time figuring out how to use special effects.. Took me forever and a day, but I finally figured it out! i was super frustrated with watching a bunch of tutorials on youtube, downloading programs and tryin to get all the right plug ins. But now.. now i can make huge explosions, gun shots, sound effects, and crazy effects happen! i jus need more time!
I have this awesome idea for another stop motion video.. i have it all drawn out.. there's gonna be superheroes, laser beams, missiles, guns, blood, big explosion sounds, and now I can actually edit these effects in like cheese cake. ahh it's gonna be epic, lol im so excited for my geeky nerd dork loser lame hobby.
but daang.. i gotta go back to cali already.. I need a redo, i wish i could of relived this break and done it right. I'm not ready to go back to the blizzard cold. (but i really hope i get to go snowboarding soon) but i always wish i had more time in hawaii when it comes to leaving. I didn't get to do everything i wanted, i didn't get to go to places and see everyone i wanted to see. I still wanted to watch a bunch of movies, organize stuff, and go do a bunch of other stuff i didn't do yet!
i kno i complained about being bored, but that always trumps studying hebrew! lol most students already went back, and here i am tryin to soak the last few drops of winter break. Life is so much easier here at home with family. It's almost too comfortable. lol nahhh too comfortable!? what am i saying..
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
thoughts on friendship
"Love that gives upward is worship, love that goes outward is affection; love that stoops is grace." Donald Barnhouse
hmm.. there's been a few things on my mind..
I was shortly thinkin about friendships and how relationships really do require communication and spending time together. So far i haven't really gotten to reconnect with old church people and some other friends. It's kinda strange.. when u grow up and u become close with some people.. then a few years pass, and now you barely have any contact..
sometimes it seems hard to reach out to people. You wonder, if i never try to hangout with this person, I probably wouldn't really see them. I think it's interesting how there really is different levels of friends. I mean.. You could really value a friendship, and that person only kinda cares, but not really. Know what i mean? Relationships that arn't equal. You go 80 yards, they go 3 yards. It just doesnt work. A 50/50 or even 60/40 relationship would work. In marital counseling class, my teacher kinda shook my ideal of marriage, cuz he said, it should be 100/100.
Do you know anyone who would go 100 yards for you? Even if you didn't make any effort to sustain a friendship? I can only really think of my parents. Then i was thinking, wow i actually ignore or don't put much thought into some other friends. It seems like, the older you get, the more difficult it becomes to find true friends, who have mutual respect for a balanced friendship.
A lot may have to do with location or availability. But still yet. It's hard to really care for someone who doesn't reciprocate much back.Eventually you give up. friendships fade.
winter and summer break, usually mean sins of omission. meaning.. I basically become a sloth on the couch, eat junk food, watch movies and spend way too much money on ebay. It really is about moderation. Too many lazy days make you go insane.
Today was fun tho. mark n devin picked me up, and we went to drive into town to meet with a bunch of other guys to play ball. We went to a YMCA, the one i learned how to swim at, like 15 years ago. Anyways.. some old ppl were doin zumba on the courts, so we ended up waiting, but then i found their gym. and i was so happy. Exercise is the best therapy. Then we finally got the courts, and i played 5 games, i sat out after the first game cuz i was so winded from being outta shape.
It really is fun to play with people who joke around about everything. Some other dudes came in and some games got really competitive. Everyone seems to play better pissed, lol. I was gettin angry at myself becuz i was missing such easy shots. And i got capped twice. I missed two eaaaasy game winning shots. if i just made simple shots, we woulda won. I usually dont beat myself up for these mistakes, but for some reason i did. I looked at some other guys, and they have so much skill. I look at some of my buddies, and they're huge and strong, and i think, man i wish i kept up lifting heavy and training hard.
I know its bad to compare, but.. sometimes i kinda feel like a failure when you know you could be better. but on the bright side it was good exercise. im so sore. Then we went to this pho place i havnt gone in awhile, and it was seriously the best pho i ever had. and im not even big on pho. Goin out beats being lazy at home.
spiritually.. it's easy to not spend time with God. It's easy to not read anythin or pray. However, i noticed that when i listen to worship music, watch good sermons, or pick up a devotional book, my entire day is better. I'm back to baby steps. small steps of obedient faith in the right direction trumps going the wrong way or not doing anything.
hmm.. there's been a few things on my mind..
I was shortly thinkin about friendships and how relationships really do require communication and spending time together. So far i haven't really gotten to reconnect with old church people and some other friends. It's kinda strange.. when u grow up and u become close with some people.. then a few years pass, and now you barely have any contact..
sometimes it seems hard to reach out to people. You wonder, if i never try to hangout with this person, I probably wouldn't really see them. I think it's interesting how there really is different levels of friends. I mean.. You could really value a friendship, and that person only kinda cares, but not really. Know what i mean? Relationships that arn't equal. You go 80 yards, they go 3 yards. It just doesnt work. A 50/50 or even 60/40 relationship would work. In marital counseling class, my teacher kinda shook my ideal of marriage, cuz he said, it should be 100/100.
Do you know anyone who would go 100 yards for you? Even if you didn't make any effort to sustain a friendship? I can only really think of my parents. Then i was thinking, wow i actually ignore or don't put much thought into some other friends. It seems like, the older you get, the more difficult it becomes to find true friends, who have mutual respect for a balanced friendship.
A lot may have to do with location or availability. But still yet. It's hard to really care for someone who doesn't reciprocate much back.Eventually you give up. friendships fade.
winter and summer break, usually mean sins of omission. meaning.. I basically become a sloth on the couch, eat junk food, watch movies and spend way too much money on ebay. It really is about moderation. Too many lazy days make you go insane.
Today was fun tho. mark n devin picked me up, and we went to drive into town to meet with a bunch of other guys to play ball. We went to a YMCA, the one i learned how to swim at, like 15 years ago. Anyways.. some old ppl were doin zumba on the courts, so we ended up waiting, but then i found their gym. and i was so happy. Exercise is the best therapy. Then we finally got the courts, and i played 5 games, i sat out after the first game cuz i was so winded from being outta shape.
It really is fun to play with people who joke around about everything. Some other dudes came in and some games got really competitive. Everyone seems to play better pissed, lol. I was gettin angry at myself becuz i was missing such easy shots. And i got capped twice. I missed two eaaaasy game winning shots. if i just made simple shots, we woulda won. I usually dont beat myself up for these mistakes, but for some reason i did. I looked at some other guys, and they have so much skill. I look at some of my buddies, and they're huge and strong, and i think, man i wish i kept up lifting heavy and training hard.
I know its bad to compare, but.. sometimes i kinda feel like a failure when you know you could be better. but on the bright side it was good exercise. im so sore. Then we went to this pho place i havnt gone in awhile, and it was seriously the best pho i ever had. and im not even big on pho. Goin out beats being lazy at home.
spiritually.. it's easy to not spend time with God. It's easy to not read anythin or pray. However, i noticed that when i listen to worship music, watch good sermons, or pick up a devotional book, my entire day is better. I'm back to baby steps. small steps of obedient faith in the right direction trumps going the wrong way or not doing anything.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
New Years
Sometimes it's hard to sit still and intentionally be with God. I guess it's like going to the gym when you feel so outta shape. And this is the beginning of creating new habits. After awhile it becomes a little easier and more enjoyable. You feel yourself getting stronger. And before you know it you've created a healthy routine. Devotions shouldn't just be a routine, but a deep joy.
I laid in bed and couldnt sleep. So i was thinking about some of the sins I struggle with. What are some of my idols? There seems to be a lot. Having free days means indulging in comforts and pleasures like food, sleep, and movies. Some days i practically live on my couch. These rainy days make it so nice to stay indoors all day tho..
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