quote

"It is one thing to know Jesus Christ loves us and another thing to realize it.. Everything has been given to us by the Father in Jesus. All we need now is to experience what we already possess. The most precious moments of prayer consist in letting ourselves be loved by the Lord." -Brennan Manning

gingerbread cookies

Have you ever heard the phrase, "But Mom, I just want to stay home and bake cookies with you." Well that's exactly what i did. I just had the gingerbread mix. So my mom and i went to a few grocery stores to find cookie cutters, sprinkles, frosting, eggs and butter. Although we ended up buying much more than that. Anyways, after we got home it was like 6pm already, (and we didn't end till like 11pm). So i started mixing the cookie stuff. btw ive never really made cookies, so this was kind of a challenging first for me. I usually jus mix the stuff and my mom would always do the rest. 

The cookie dough was too sticky and mushy to do any cutouts. And we realized we didnt have any flour, which was pretty important. We put it in fridge to solidify a bit, but the oven was already good to go. My mom found lemon cake mix, so we ended up using that for flour. We made christmas trees, snowmen, stars, hearts, gingerbread men, and bears. Some of them came out really.. unique. I think we made about 70 cookies for my class and to give out. The kitchen quickly became a mess. Baking cookies was much harder than i thought.

Then today it took the kids like 3 minutes to decorate them and to gobble them up. I'm glad they came out good and everyone enjoyed them. i love gingerbread, but man it was way too much work! tomorrow we're going to Chuck E Cheese's for a field trip! So that'll be fun. And then i get two weeks off! whoo!

reoccurring lessons

take risk in confidence and be bold
step outside of your comfort zone
try not to let the expectations of others to get the best of you
sometimes we get too concerned with how others think of us
choose your words carefully
know when to speak up
be intentionally relational
greet others
show interest in others
listen to others
enjoy the present
savor moments
laugh, play and be silly
set aside intimate time for God
find rest and joy in him
love yourself
know what you want
set goals, challenge yourself
stick to them/ perseverance
take small steps in the right direction
be grateful for all that you do have
go the extra mile
take care of your health, eat healthy
do things that make you happy
save yo money cuz everything is too expensive
naps will mess your sleep schedule


"Consider it all joy my brothers when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have it's perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

worship night

ugh

man is it just me, or is it like super hard to be responsible. I can be responsible for a really short time, but it just doesn't last. My sleep schedule got thrown out the window. and as much as i love naps, man they'll mess you up. i somehow wake up on time and function alright at work, but it takes all my energy to keep up with little kids. sometimes i feel like im just treading water and trying so hard to give my best. by the time i get home, im so exhausted that i just crash out. i blame AC for making me too cold and comfortable. I told myself i would be hitting the gym more consistently. but who has the energy for that? even though it's like a 3 minute drive away, i just dont do it. You ever see a guy jogging and you say to yourself, "dang i wish i was that dude who goes running early in the morning, i should be committed like that dude," and then crawl back inside your cave to sleep? It takes me hours to muster up enough will and determination to actually get stuff accomplished sometimes. I blame media, video games and all the comforts we have at home. but really it's jus a lack of self-discipline. Another hard habit to get going is eating right. Good nutrition has just been too hard lately. i love sugar and cold sweets too much. i just found my new favorite boba place too. right now im thinkin about portuguese sausage and cheese pizza. After my doctor told me to eat more whole grains, fish, fruits, etc, i was like "yeah you're absolutely right." and then i went to panda express nomnomnom lol..,, if i could jus eat right, get super ripped, and sleep on time, oh and have a social life lol, then things would probably be better  oh and maybe hire a maid or butler to do my laundry for me lol. I think it's interesting how these things that can often seem like chores can actually rejuvenate us. Eating right, sleeping regular human hours and exercising can actually give us more energy. What we put in, is what we get out. i feel like we all kinda know what we expect of ourselves, or what we'd like of ourselves, and we're capable of accomplishing these things, it's not impossible. but becoming better is always an internal battle against ourselves. It's a challenge to make healthier lifestyle changes and to stick to them. Sometimes there's just too much to be responsible for, and that's when something hasta give.. I usually have a good read at how my spiritual, relational, emotional, physical, and financial health is, and usually they aren't doing that great. But i'm still learning to take small steps in the right direction. I have to remind myself of my goals, and take better care of myself. I hafta taken more initiative and have more confidence that i can be who i want to be. I hafta replace bad habits with good ones. otherwise i end up regressing to my default, which is being a lazy childish insomniac couch potato. If only i could just be awesome at everything i do., gosh sometimes i blog and i have no idea what im really saying. this blog needs paragraph seperators, but im too lazy. ok bye

thoughts

It's really hard to give yourself fully to anything when you don't feel full yourself. I've been pretty sick with stomach issues lately. i got diagnosed with ulcerative colitus back in 2009, and for the most part i've able to control it pretty well. Some flare ups would make me end up in the hospital, but i try not to go to the ER since it's so expensive. I know no one really cares to listen to someone else's medical problems, but dang, i really miss being healthy. it's just been getting worse. it's hard to function normally when it feels like you're carrying weighted chains around. Being sick, really does help ya to appreciate health more.

Health is usually a goal and concern for people who are getting older. When i was young, i didn't really need to think about eating healthy, enough exercise and sleeping early. Taking care of yourself really isn't that easy. it's so hard to eat right and make healthy lifestyle choices everyday. i really like sugar and just cant seem to cut down on it.

i saw my regular doctor for a check up, and he's so wise. He always considers holistic health. He doesn't just look at the physical symptoms and issues. He thinks about my emotional and spiritual well being as well. I talked about how it's kinda hard to always have the energy to exercise and the discipline to eat healthy. But he told me, what we put in is what we get out. Daily exercise and nutrition knocks out so many health issues. it jus comes down to overcoming our excuses. He asked me where i saw myself in 10 years. i said i don't really know, im not sure. I would like to become a counselor but all the school it takes to get there is exhausting and requires a lot of sacrifice. He said, then we need to work around those obstacles, because i would hate to see you not become what you want to be. We have the ability to accomplish what we want to, sometimes it just comes down to sheer determination.

I have a friend who made a few bad choices and had to face the critical consequences of those choices. It was hard to see someone in so much remorse. For some reason it really affected me. Sometimes i think we make a lot of bad choices because we don't truly know the consequences. We all make bad choices here and there, and i think it'd be nice if we all had more grace for each other.

Here's a few things i noticed about myself lately, well even more so. I'm actually pretty shy. i definitely don't have as much personal and relational skills that i thought i had. I guess it's not uncommon to be shy. maybe im jus shy around ppl i dont know too well. i feel like i have a hard time speaking up, especially if it's in regards to a conflict. Let's say someone does something that you disagree with, or something you don't like. It's kind of tricky to confront someone nicely, without hurting their feelings. even sandwiching it with positive feedback can still be hard. It's easy to bottle up our feelings, but then holding everything in isn't really dealing with it either.

Everyone has pet peeves. One of my pet peeves is when people talk too much. I know quite a bit of people who can talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. And i'll literately sit there for 10-30 minutes basically politely listening. I try to show that i'm actively listening, but after awhile i just can't endure it. Sometimes i don't get how people think they're having a conversation when they're just talking about themselves non-stop. I can usually tolerate a little, but man, sometimes it's so hard to make an escape without seeming rude. I think i filter all my thoughts and i really hesitate or think about what I really want to say. With friends you don't really need to filter and choose your thoughts and words carefully. And I guess some people just say every little thought they're thinking. Sometimes I just wish conversations were a little more balanced. some people are jus so oblivious at how inconsiderate and obnoxious they're being. I had a guy jus start talkin about all his own interpretations of scripture that were really messed up. he had different views about religion, Jesus, the bible, and all sorts of tangents that jus made me wanna puke and pull my hair out.  im too polite to jus say i dont wanna listen to you, cuz you talk too much, goodbye. I noticed talkers tend to be more assertive and very opinionated. it's really hard to listen to ppl when you actually have things that you want or need to accomplish. some people just need more conversational curtsy and awareness.

you know what really grinds my gears? When technology doesn't work! jjtsdhfghksjafdfjadklfsjfjld lol sorry jus need to rant about that sometimes

I started a counseling program at Chaminade not really sure if i'd ever complete it. I After factoring in the time, money and energy it takes, i think i'm gonna take a break from it for a while. It's not that it was too challenging, i think i just need one less thing on my plate right now so I can focus on just work. Im so far from graduating it makes me wonder if i'd ever be able to complete it all. I'm also kinda getting tired of listening to people, lol. it really does take a lot to listen to people sometimes.

I know i can't do preschool teaching forever. It takes lot of energy policing little kids. Sit down please, shh no talking, no running in the classroom! please stop smashing those grapes with your feet.. please listen to mr. chris, pleaaase. lol, it's like trying to herd cats at times.

i wish kids were good all the time. lately ive really been able to see human nature in kids. They're all primarily concerned with their own needs and doing everything they can to fulfill what they want. kids are super adorable and lovable, but they can also be kind of mean to each other. everyday there's conflict, whining, crying and disobeying. physically i'm just so burnt out lately. my free time, i basically just want to sleep.

Some things i have learned from kids are.. 1) be more present with people 2) Say sorry, forgive, and let go 3) Laugh and be silly

inspired by a first grader

One of my co-worker teachers has a girl in first grade. she comes to stay in the afternoon and usually waits till all my preschool kids go home. She makes sure i reserve a few hours to just play with her and give her some quality attention. She showed me her bible that she got from school. She started telling me how she understood historical narratives like Adam and Eve, Moses and how Jesus died for our sins. She told me how Jesus is God, and how she accepted him as her Savior. Then she told me about how to pray. And how it's like talking to anyone else, or like a mom or dad. And how we can thank God, or say that we're sorry for things we've done. She then told me of all the things she was thankful for.

She talked about certain character traits or virtues like forgiveness, kindness, and loving others. I was impressed at how much she knew and how proud she was to have a relationship with God. i definitely wasn't as smart as how some kids are now. A first grader reading the bible and praying kind of blew my mind. In a way, it was refreshing to hear the basic theological concepts through a little girl. She understood them quite simply and accepted them as truth to live by. Her faith and trust were very genuine and simplistic. In a way it was a fresh reminder to pray and give thanks to God. oh and then she painted my nails with glittery nail polish.

There are some preschool students in particular that always really brighten my day. It's such a joy to spend time with them and care for them. They are so playful and full of smiles. It's nice getting a bunch of hugs and listening to all the things on their mind. They really like being thrown in the air, which usually takes a lot of energy after 5-10 times. And they reach up saying, "Again! Again! One more time! pleeeease!" A lot of them really enjoy pretend play. They pretend im the airplane pilot and we're going to disney land. They pretend to be babies, puppies and kittens. They also really like imaginary food lol. They teach me to live in the present and to enjoy simple pleasures.

work really isn't work

I feel pretty honored and lucky that i get to spend most of my day with kids. Working with kids really isn't work. If you get to do what you love, it's not really work that you grudgingly have to do. It's a lot to do and be responsible for and it can get stressful, but overall it's great getting to hangout with silly kids. I love that i also live super duper close so i don't get any traffic! i still need to work on sleeping earlier.

These past few weeks have been so busy, but it's also been a lot of fun. It's been challenging trying to do everything well. It takes a lot of energy trying to do (and be) your best consistently. I got the junior kindergarten class. Basically if they haven't turned 5 yet they can't go to kindergarten because of the new law that got passed. So all the late borns are held back.

I'm grateful I got such great kids. They all have different personalities. Some are super playful, affectionate and social. Some are really well mannered, while some aren't as much lol. Some are super adorable. Some are very independent. Some are really really silly and laugh at everything. Some are outgoing, while some of our new students are more quiet. It can be a little tricky teaching the academic side of it because there's a big difference in how much each student knows already. Some can read, while others don't know their ABC's. sometimes i wish i wasn't the teacher, and i was just another kid in the class.

I like that the kids get to learn through play. You can see them making new friendships too. When's the last time you played with blocks, dinosaurs, play dough, trains, trucks, puzzles, and did arts and crafts? Remember how exciting field trips were? Or getting to play hide and seek and tag? i wish when i was younger i got to go to a fun preschool like this. They have awesome school lunch, lol. There's extra speech pathology, hawaiiana, sports, swimming,and gymboree stuff too.

So far we've made cheerio and friendship bracelets. We do a lot of art projects with cutting, gluing, painting, and drawing. We're gonna be making sock puppets really soon, which i'm really excited about. (Even though i shouldn't be trusted with a hot glue gun.) We're also gonna make rainbow fruit cups that'll  be fun. After we finish academic assessment, we'll dive more into reading/ writing, math, science and social studies.

One of the hardest parts is waking them up from nap time. They look so cute, innocent and peaceful sleeping. some still suck their thumbs, it's too adorable lol. Some don't move an inch when you try to wake them up. some kids cry because they miss their parents, it's so sad when little kids cry. It can also be more challenging since you have to give that child more individual attention while the rest of the class is going wild.

Sometimes i like to think what these kids will be like when they grow up. it makes me think, how much of an influence or impact i might have on them this year. It makes me a little sad i won't get to see them grow up. There's some moments that are just so priceless. 

Sometimes it can be tough to prep and plan everything in advance. It can be tricky to give each child individual attention. It can be tricky to want to validate everyone's thoughts when they're so talkative or have many needs. 

All my co-workers and bosses are really nice, i mean it is a preschool lol. I was gonna throw a dinner at my house for everyone, but there's really a lot of people and my mom said the house is a bit too messy. 

It's hard not to be really happy being in such a fun environment with kids. It's not uncommon to get kids who want to sit on you, or want a hug, or having kids poke you and call you silly names. one girl wraps around my leg while i try to walk, and she just looks up at me and laughs lol.

Yesterday while I was playing on the ground, one kid hugged me, another pulled my shirt, and then another came up behind me and wrapped my neck.Then 5 other kids saw what was happening, and i literately got tackled to the ground, and wasn't able to get up lol. I was like, "no! stop! get off me! Mr. Chris isn't a jungle gym!" They all started to dog pile on me and hold me down. luckily tickles are super effective, lol. it was seriously the most fun i had in forever.

Everyday i get asked, "Mr. Chris, can you read me this book?" "Hey do you want to play with me?" "Mr. Chris are you going to chase me?" "Can we play hide and seek? Sometimes it's so hard to say, "sorry no i can't right now." Some kids sneak up on me and try to poke me. And then they run away while i try to tickle them lol. they have so much laughter and the biggest smiles. there's so much joy in simplicity.

More then teaching, it seems like the children all just want love, affirmation and attention. In a way, i think we all need those at times. Positive reinforcement and encouragement mean a lot to them. I can see when they're proud of themselves, or want to show their parents their work. never underestimate the power of a sticker and a reward sheet. 

Time goes by so fast in preschool. I honestly enjoy staying there more then being at home. Even though i only get paid till 245, it's easy to stay till 530 or even late like 830. There's always something i can prep for. The first few weeks are usually the hardest since I have to organize/clean the classroom, label everything, and plan out all my schedules. I think the hardest part is really just prepping ahead of time.

Every morning we have a morning circle time. It's such a blast! I try to make learning really fun, exciting and engaging. Sometimes things do get a little chaotic. We greet people, then sing a song. There's a children's song that's been stuck in my head called, "Slippery Fish." Then we do our alphabet sign language and phonics song, sometimes i'll read a short book, then we talk about the calendar/weather and all the songs that go with that. We briefely go over manners/ rules/ colors, shapes and coins. I like to play simon says with them, or do a silly boom chicka boom boom dance and popseekoo dance with them. Sometimes we do my morning stretching routine. Then i say "Who are we?!" and they respond, "We are the pandas!" and they get excited and loud repeating that. Then we stand up and huddle in with our hands and quietly chant, "Pandas, Pandas, Pandas, PANDAS!, PANDAS! PANDAAAS!!" It's so fun.

I learned a bunch of fun prompts to help keep them orderly. i learn so much off youtube and pinterest. We have them grab an air bubble to be quiet, or i'll count down 5,4,3,2,1! and they go "zip!" and then i give them star stickers. If they do good, i say give me an "Ah Yeaah!" or give me a firework! and they clap their hands above their head and say, "pshhh!"

I was finally able to get all my kids to be quiet. And they were sitting in line. I said, only raise your hand and whisper if you really need to say something. A little girl raises her hand, i kneel down, and she whispers to me, "I love you." it was the most adorable thing ever.

This week i got really sick. Probably cuz kids keep putting their hands in my face and coughing in my face. i had to take 5 sick days and it was so boring jus watching tv. i much rather be having fun with the kids. just wish this fever would go away. it sucks not being healthy and not at your best.

It's nice being able to make income. but i really gotta learn how to manage money better. it' takes a lot of work to earn money and yet it's so easy to spend. i spend so much money on things i really don't need.

it worries me that i like my job too much because it makes me wonder if i'll ever finish my MFT counseling program, Im wondering if maybe i should take a break from my classes.. Im concerned that i might not go into professional counseling, or go back and be more invested in ministry.Those are still some of my aspirations and passions, but at the same time i really enjoy just being present with my little kids.

I used to really want kids. Then a friend talked about it practically. i started to think about all the time, expenses, responsibilities, and expenses again. So for a while i was pretty content if i never had any kids. But when i look into the face of a child and see absolute joy, im starting to see that perhaps having a child one day would be worth all those sacrifices.

quote

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." -Glida Radner

"To enjoy the future, accept God's forgiveness for the past."

For the unknown things in our future, we need to let go of our mistakes in the past, embrace where we are in the present, and place our faith and trust in God. 

The Pandas

...

back to preschool!

the past few months i've been asking people if they think i should switch jobs. I go down the list of the pros and cons of each. And usually most of them are more clueless than i am. It almost comes down to a tie. I think i would be alright regardless of which job i chose. Staying at my current job which involved helping a special needs high school student was the rational choice. Logically it was better because it would allow me to focus on school. however just logic isn't always the right choice.

Instead of listening to what everyone else thought, i decided to listen to myself and do what I want to do. I'm usually dependent on the input and advice of others. But i ended up trusting what I thought would be best for myself and decided on my own. I called up the preschool and they said they filled the position after i declined. But luckily another new full time teaching position opened up! She said if i wanted the job they'd be happy to have me. I'll get either the 4 or 5 year old class. I've been wrestling with this for a while and glad i had the opportunity to still become a preschool teacher. I had a lot of self-doubt that I wouldn't be able to handle all the commitment and responsibility. But now i feel confident in myself that I'll do a good job. Im gonna be the best preschool teacher EVER! all the other kids in other classes are gonna be super jelly because they're gonna want Mr. Chris as their teacher.

decisions

About two months ago i started looking for a full time job. Most of them were in the field of education and working with students. I've always told myself, working with children really isn't work because they have so much joy, laughter and life in them. Kids know how to live in the present. They just want to play and have fun. Those have always been important values for me. But as we grow older, other values and responsibilities compete for our priorities. it'd be nice to stay young forever.

cooking 101

once in awhile when i feel courageous enough i try to attempt to cook. anything in the kitchen feels like a messy science project to me. i was supposed to cook this on mothers day, but we ended up going out instead. im usually more of the easy, quick and cheap meals kinda guy, but i figured i'd push myself to try do something nice for my mom. i came down with a super bad fever so it made cooking a little more challenging, but in the end it came out alright and super tasty! thank goodness for youtube

good friends

I had two good friends greg and melissa fly in from CA. They were here to celebrate their younger sister's graduation. It was refreshing to get to see them and just enjoy the weekend. All we did was pretty much eat a lot of food lol. way too much food lol. The best part is laughing and talking about the most random things. it's almost as if my friends and i have our own language. We use way too many references and inside jokes, but it never gets old. It was a breath of fresh air getting to spend some time with them because they usually bring out the playful and fun side of me. I realized that humor and laughter really are connected to friendships. Spending quality time with good friends rejuvenates our happiness and health in a way that other things cant.

finding your best self 2

For some reason that quote in "Wild" still lingers in my mind. A mother tells her daughter, "If there's one thing I can teach you, it's how to find your best self and when you do, hold on to it for dear life." No, I wouldn't say I found my best self, but I think i've taken a few steps closer to it lately. I can see the areas where i need to improve. When you begin to find your better self, your base self, you start to notice that you're naturally in a better, happier mood with more energy. I think i stumbled on a few simple, yet important realizations of self discovery. I'm not quite sure how to word it all. But i think it has to do with holistic health, self-fulfillment, self-actualization, growing in self-love, overcoming self-defeat, and taking control of your life. Finding your best self also includes believing in yourself and having confidence in your faith.

Self-fulfillment.
    This was the closest term I could find to describe reaching our full potential. It has to do with personal fulfillment and self-worth. This isn't about achieving success to please or impress others. It isn't really concerned with your career or relationship status, or how much money you have, or lack of. True success and the american dream are quite different. "Don't climb mountains so the world can see you, climb mountains so you can see the world."

     Finding your best self has to do with challenging yourself, pursuing your dreams, maximizing our potential, overcoming obstacles, and fighting for personal growth. We need to treat ourselves with the best for us to become our best. How can we grow to treat ourselves just a little bit better? In chur's dictionary, self-fulfillment is basically doing things to become our best, so we're capable of giving our best. However, it also means we'll have to sacrifice and change our old habits. Usually it involves changing how we think about ourselves. Our thoughts and feelings about ourselves can strongly affect our will.

It can sound sort of selfish to be obsessed with your own holistic health, but really the greater our faith grows, the more balance and maturity we'll have. If it were possible to be one step closer to God, what would that take? If it were possible to be just one percent happier, what would that take? It's really hard to love others and have their best interest when we don't love ourselves and receive God's love first.

have you ever had a dream..

if you don't write down or tell your dreams, they're like lost memories forever


so im in this room with two cops. one cop says, "hey wanna try hold my gun?" He hands me his gun. I'm like, "oh cool." he takes it back. he then shoots the other cop, drops the gun and runs off. I stand in shock looking at the bleeding cop and the gun with my prints on the ground. I've just been framed. but then i think to myself, do I get rid of the evidence because it all points to me, even though i'm innocent? There's no other witnesses or cameras. Who would believe me? I grab the gun and wipe the prints off with my shirt and bolt. Some time goes by and apparently no one found the guy.

I go to a hotel casino where there's lots of people gambling. I find my dad and tell him, "I need to tell you something in private. It's urgent." He says, "okay, follow me so we can go somewhere to talk." We find a couch, and there's still too many people making too much noise. An old friend of mine runs into me, hops on the couch and says, "Hey man, long time no see! how ya been doing?" I come off sounding angry, "dude, not right now, i'm in the middle of something important! I need you to leave." He refuses to leave and continues to ask questions about what's going on. My dad says, "We gotta go. let's head for the parking lot." As we're in the elevator, i spill everything that happened about how I got framed. he tells me, "you should first obviously report the incident, it doesn't help that you fled the scene. Call the police immediately."

We're still walking to the car in the parking lot, and i'm on the phone with the operator. I tell her, "There's a cop who's been shot and i've been framed! you gotta help me!" She responds, "okay calm down sir, now tell me what happened." Just then I see a tall guy with a gun in the parking lot. I'm pretty sure it was a different guy. He starts shooting a guy cold blooded. He sees me witness the whole scene and starts shooting at me. I start running in between cars still on the phone yelling. "There's another guy at this hotel with a gun shooting people! you gotta send help!!  then i wake up sad because there was no closure to the dream.

i think i gotta stop watching the news for a while lolThere was an army of soldiers taking over all the lands. I was part of the last few remaining rebels. We met at a secret location to discuss strategy. We watched on television how the soldiers murdered a whole crowd in a football stadium. They needed to be stopped. Our plan was to allow ourselves to get captured and to work for the enemy, and then break out and free the captives. We had a scientist dude working on some type of robo tech weaponry and armor. Explosions started to go off. There was gun fire and loud screams. Someone yelled at me saying, "We gotta get out now! There's no time!" We made an escape, but were being pursued. We found a small house in which we decided to make our last defense. We held them off for as long as we could. Luckily back up support arrived and we were able to capture the bad guy leader. We then tended to the wounded, and began walking back to reclaim our homeland. I forgot tons of details, but that was the just of it


There was a large ocean. Christians planned a huge event to share the gospel. But when we finally arrived, everyone chickened out and was too afraid. I was a little upset. But then i realized, I too was scared for some reason. I remember seeing large waves crashing on the ocean. I could see small lights on boats in the distance. I wondered, there must be something I can do to save them. I remember observing the darkness and chaos of the ocean. I ran into the ocean and was able to pull someone out.


Oh i just had another crazy dream.. That doesn't make too much sense. I was chosen to be one of 12 contestants to be in a reality tv show. The show is that they put everyone in this weird giant mansion that's extremely dark. Apparently many people died in the last season of the show. What's interesting is that they can control everything inside the giant mansion, kinda like the hunger games i guess. But the scary part is that they allow these very strange demons inside the mansion. The demons can morph to look like anyone or anything. The goal is to see who can spend 4 hours inside the mansion and survive the test.

Before the show actually starts, i open a door that leads to a giant desert. This lady tells me to follow her and leads me to a small portable building. She tells me the entire desert is fake and made up, but the demons in the mansion are actually real. She explains that the things that happen in there are basically out of their control, except they can put us in or out when they want to. Then she makes me sign a few papers to for liability, that they aren't responsible if I die and I understand the risk.

Then I go back through the desert and I get ready to enter the house. Apparently I'm the number 12 contestant and have to enter first. All the contestants don't know what each other look like, and are allowed to help each other. The tricky part is that we don't know if it's a contestant or a demon in disguise. So I enter the house and it's really dark with lots of hallways and doors with a few candles lit. Soon I hear people screaming. I find two other people. One guy mentions not to trust a certain girl and to be careful because he thinks she's a demon.

 So me and these two people find ourselves in a small dark room with only a flashlight. There's these platforms like in mario or minecraft. And i guess you can't touch the ground or you die. So i'm jumping to a shelf, and a giant dark demon grabs me in the air. I fall back and start yelling, "Use the flashlight!" I guess they don't like the light much. So we continue through the maze mansion, and one by one i'm notified who is still alive and who already died. I somehow lose the other two people I was with. and this little girl starts following me down a hall. I turn around and ask, "Who are you! why are you following me!" She just smiles in a weird way. I keep walking, i turn around. And the girl changed her ethnicity so i knew she was a demon. I start running. I make it to a room that looks familiar to a room in my house. Voices start to taunt me. I get a little paranoid that the demons might draw from the darkness or from any object. I notice there's only 1 hour left and i'm one of the last survivors. In order to repel the demons I start singing, "Jesus lover of my soul" very softly. I notice the demons are afraid for once just by hearing his name. So i sing louder and faster. I find a demon who looks like a child standing in the bathroom. I tell him, "brah stop scaring people, it's getting old. try to be nice. maybe you can make a friend or something." he acknowledges it's probably a good idea. Then i get sucked through this tiny portal that's in a little vase thing. I arrive outside where the last few survivors are doing their homework waiting for their parents to pick them up lol. Then a white van comes to pick me up.


In another dream i was in a hotel room with a bunch of friends, we were waiting to go somewhere. We started to play hide and seek. i hid under the bed, but realized it was too dirty under there. So then i started to tell everyone the wonders of silly putty and how fascinating i thought it was. I was like, you guys never heard of silly putty? you can copy print off newspapers and blow an air bubble and pop it! but no one seemed interested. lol  

oh i also had a dream that i had a horse but couldnt fit him in my car. so i ended up walking him down my hill. 

happiness

This girl in my class said something 3 weeks ago that has still stuck in my mind. She said, "Deep down, everyone just wants to be happy." I think that makes a lot of sense to why people do things. It can sort of dictate our behavior, actions and addictions. Sometimes I find myself just browsing on ebay or amazon because  maybe buying something might make me feel better. Sometimes purchasing something gives us this temporal happiness, but it usually wears out quickly. It's kind of like junk food. Good for the moment, but overtime too much of it becomes a problem. Chris, too much pizza and ice cream is not good! Self control! I guess it takes some a lot of self-discipline to deny instant gratification for a greater delayed gratification.

In counseling, one thing therapist look for is an underlying root, or a common thread that really connects the problems and narrows down the issue I ask myself, "What is it that I really want in life?" or "What am I really looking for?" And sometimes I have to remind myself of my long term goals. Sometimes we get distracted from our purpose and our passions. Living without purpose and without love, is pretty meaningless. and not to mention really boring. Sometimes we begin looking for happiness in the wrong places. we settle for idols instead of truly being satisfied in God and drawing joy from an intimate relationship with him. true happiness is correlated to growing in both our relational and spiritual health.

I started watching "The Last Man on Earth" on hulu. It's hilarious. At first i had my doubts, but then i found it pretty funny. Will Forte plays the last man on earth, and in the first episode he's doing all sorts of fun things, but then he realizes that he's really all alone. He even makes faces on sports balls and starts talking to them like tom hanks from "Cast Away." Spoiler alert, he finally meets people. But you can see how his every action boils down to putting his underlying desires first. He lies and deceives. He has a conniving and scheming character, always trying to impress others. And i think eventually he realizes he needs to change his selfish behavior for the good of others.

Lessons i need to remember. 1) Keep in mind the roots of my behavior. What makes me do the things i do. What are my motives, desires and passions? 2) Happiness is related to healthy relationships, good virtues and being purposeful. 3) Pursue happiness in the right way. stay true to your convictions. 4) Take small steps in the right direction. 5) Self confidence. Take responsibility. Believe in yourself. You can achieve whatever you want. Internal locus of control. Self Efficacy. 6) Stop thinking negatively, practice graditute and contentment. 7) cherish friendships, put other's needs before my own. 8) go exercise like a beast you lazy butt! take better care of yourself, like having better sleeping habits 9) laugh and enjoy the present 10) Fight and work to be your best self.

possible worlds

Sometimes I see my life like a movie. But more like a book. I start to see the chapters in my life. I start thinking of where I was, who i was and the important people of those chapters. I start thinking, what did I learn from these previous chapters. Instead of reading the present chapter, I find myself over reflecting on the what ifs. What if I could redirect this movie and start from the beginning? What if I could rewrite these past chapters?

I then begin thinking of alternative possible worlds. Imagine all the different realities i could possibly have. They're infinite. We make some decisions that dictate big changes in our life. What if I didn't move? What if I never went to that school? What if i never met this person. What if I pursued or didn't pursue someone? What if i chosen to stay? What if I didn't apply or choose to work somewhere? What if I didn't move in with certain roommates? What if I said this, or that? What if i didn't do this or that? What if..

Pursuit

A friend from cali came to visit hawaii for a week. Usually not seeing someone for a long time really weakens a friendship. When you live farther away, you're just less involved in each other's life. And eventually communication becomes obsolete. And i think that's a typical pattern, unless both friends make it a point to actually keep in touch. But i think life long friends sorta stand out to you. Even if you go for months without talking, they're still people you value and care about.

Anyways, i feel like i got to be some what of a host in playing tourist guide around hawaii. Most tourist just stay in waikiki, and it gets super crowded and congested that most locals kinda know to stay away from all the traffic there. but i noticed a lot of tourist are beginning to branch farther away and towards other places. There's quite a lot in hawaii we take for granted. When people think of hawaii, people first think about the beaches. We probably have the best beaches in the world and yet I feel like i never really take full advantage of that. Then there's the food. Everywhere we drove i would point out, oh you should try that place etc. And then pointing out stuff in a direction that people really don't care about. Oh my so-and-so lives there, and this is where my so-and-so works, blah blah, and they look out and are like, "oh.. cool.," lol.

Crazy All the Time

i shouldn't be blogging. I have a 14 page paper due in 6 hours. It's on a 300pg book I was supposed to have read already for my Abnormal Psychology class. but i started yesterday and barely got a third read. i wish i started reading it sooner. It's not that i need to learn how to read, it's that i need to learn how to want to read. It's strange having different reading speed modes. Slow and super analytic comprehension, and super fast scanning for info speed. But now that i actually dove in the book, i actually find it to be super interesting. Mental disorders and counseling therapy theories in general are interesting to study. It's called, "Crazy All the Time: On the Psych Ward of Bellevue Hospital." by Dr. Frederick Covan. It's non fictional and follows Dr. Covan and his 3 new interns in a psych ward as well as their patients. It's interesting observing therapist interns learn, try new integrative methods, and develop a greater empathy towards patients.

a simple prayer

we went out for dinner to celebrate my grandma's 87th birthday. my seven year old cousin and her friend were busy drawing and coloring at the table. My uncle then says, "Okay let's put those away. Now who wants to pray?" Everyone shies away and looks to someone else. Then my cousin's friend raises her hand up high, "Oh me! me! me!" My uncle says, "oh you want to pray for us?  ok go for it!" This little girl bows her head and her tiny voice starts singing to a tune. In all my life I've never heard anyone sing a song for a prayer before. For some reason it really moved me. It was so simple, and thanked God for his sovereignty over sun and the rain. it was just too adorable. Children have so much joy and laughter. When we grow up, where does it all go?

finding your best self 1

How well do we know ourselves? What do we feel and think about ourselves? What does our inner voice say about ourselves? How do we treat ourselves? How do we treat others? Do we take care of ourselves? How were we raised? What have we learned? What things do we like and dislike about ourselves? What things could we improve on? How do we spend our time? What are your goals? What's important to you? What are you passionate about? What do you desire? What do you think about most? What do you dream about? What do you want to invest yourself in? How do we become more responsible? How do we grow in maturity, faith and virtues? How do you want your life to be? What things in us need to change? How do we change? How do we find our best self?


What separates those who are successful in accomplishing their goals and overcoming their obstacles compared to those who don't? Many people including myself, struggle to break their bad habits and create good habits. Some struggle to quit smoking, some battle alcoholism, or have a difficult time with losing weight and staying committed to their diet. maybe we have ill addictions or needs that we're ashamed of and don't want anyone to know about. Some bad habits might even include not doing something we ought to do.

I've had a bad habit of biting my nails. I know it's not the worst thing, but it's something i've been unable to stop. Both my parents always tell me to stop, and i respond, "i can't help it. How can I break an old habit i've had all my life?" I rationalize and make excuses. I say i've already tried numerous of things (including my mom's clear nail polish thing lol) and sometimes ill make small progress, but eventually all my efforts end up failing. so what's the point. maybe i should start wearing gloves lol. studies show it's a habit of perfectionist. it's an oral ocd disorder. ive wondered if it's because im anxious, hyperactive, or just like to keep my hands and mind occupied. maybe i dont like the feeling of nails, maybe im bored, maybe the act helps me to think better, whatever the roots are i just need to stop the bad habit.

Many of us recognize that we need change. What's scary are those who don't acknowledge that there's somethings they should try to change about themselves. Some people can be so oblivious to their bad habits, manners, or how they communicate with others. Some people would like to transform themselves but may not know how. And others may feel that they are just unable to do so. They feel powerless and feel like they don't have the means to change themselves.

Maybe we've done something the wrong way for too long. Maybe we didnt believe we could change. Maybe we've grown comfortable doing things improperly. Maybe its jus something we want to strive to be better at. Maybe it's a personality trait. Maybe it's an addiction. Maybe it's how we interact with others. Maybe it's a lifestyle. Maybe it's something we learned growing up. Maybe it's a way of thinking. Maybe it's a way of feeling. Maybe it's something to learn. Maybe it's something to let go. Maybe it's something to pursue. Maybe it's a lack of effort or quality. Maybe it's a lack of motivation. Maybe it's a lack of owning what we're responsible for. Whatever it is, i think  it takes wisdom to know what we can and cannot change. Although we possess a lot of influence, we cannot change others. Change really has to come from the individual. 

A lot of times i tell myself "I want to be more _____." or "I want to be a better ______." Yet i don't take proper actions, i compromise, and continue to make the same bad decisions. If you want to be healthier, what small steps can we do to make healthier choices?  If we want to be more responsible financially, what needs to change? what committed disciplines are needed to arrive at a certain outcome? Sometimes we need to identify wrong thought patterns and correct how we think. This in turn can change our behavior.

How do we see ourselves? How do we think about ourselves? Personally i come across a lot of self-defeating thoughts. I look at my ideal self and how i ought to be, and compare it to my real self. This gap can lead to negative emotions about ourselves. When we're not how we'd want to be, it's easy to withdraw from people, have harsh self-criticism, have feelings of guilt/shame or thoughts of worthlessness/ hopelessness. These thoughts and emotions can definitely affect our health and daily behavior. What strategy can help us to change the way we think about ourselves?Depression and anxiety really aren't that uncommon. I guess learning more about it is one of my ways of fighting back against it and also useful for helping others with similar struggles. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy plus antidepressant drug therapy is supposedly the best approach to overcoming depression.  I learned that i need to restructure my thoughts, and challenge my faulty negative thinking. Irrational beliefs lead to faulty conclusions. Here's some common examples..

1) all or nothing thinking - seeing things in only two categories, rather than on a continuum
2) jumping to conclusions - taking one observation and are sure it has only one implication
3) negative (or positive) fortune telling/ predictions  -pessimistic or optimistic without recognizing other possible outcomes
4) discounting the positive   - unreasonably discount positive actions/ qualities
5) emotional reasoning - thinking something is true because you feel it's true, regardless of facts/ evidence
6) labeling - labeling yourself or someone else in a negative way without really considering the whole person
7) mind reading - you are sure you know what others are thinking
8) self deluding thinking  - telling yourself things you do not really believe at other times
9) dysfunctional unhelpful rules - mandating what you or others must/ must not do without considering circumstances
10) irrelevance -linking two unrelated concepts
11) exaggeration - make a sweeping statement on the basis of a small set of data

What's the situation?
What's our thoughts/ emotions?
Challenging faulty beliefs
Identifying the thinking mistake
Alternative thoughts
Replacing and Arriving at new truths Outcome Expectation is believing that certain actions will lead to a certain outcome. For instance we may believe if we study for X amount of hours we'll do well on a test. But many of us doubt our ability to perform what it takes. If I exercise and do an hour of cardio a day we believe we'll lose that extra weight.

Efficacy Expectation is believing that we can perform the actions that will bring about a particular outcome of change or success. Believing that I can study for X amount of hours. Believing that I can exercise and do cardio daily. Believing that I can rise up to the challenge and accomplish my goals. Those who don't believe they have the means or have what it takes to achieve their goals will most likely give up. This fear paralyzes. They have the mentality of "I can't", "It's too hard." or, "I'm not capable."

I used to love to exercise and hit the gym everyday. I used to love pushing myself past my limits. I would usually walk into the basketball gym and hours would fly by. I would try to do as many laps in the pool as i could. Then somewhere, i slowly lost passion for it all. I think it's partly due to the loss of gym partners. Exercise is much more fun when you have a workout buddy. Activities without much social interaction jus seem kinda boring to me. I recently did some quick research on workout motivation. Most of the time i just don't feel like torturing my body and putting it in pain and getting sweaty lol. Why not stay in pajamas and sleep in a comfortable bed or grab a snack and watch a movie instead?

So i decided to try and change myself, and study what sort of things i need to do. The most important key i found was called having an Internal Locus of Control. This applies to so many areas of life in my opinion. Let's see if i can explain it right. Basically, it's believing that we can control our outcomes. It's the belief that we posses the power to improve ourselves and change our behavior. This applies to health, work, and succeeding in our goals. Rather than an External Locus of Control, where we're the victim to outside forces and don't have control of change. Sure there are things that are completely out of our control, but i think we undermine how much is in our control.

I've met many people who want to change but feel helpless, they feel their efforts are futile. it's called Learned Helplessness. It's basically a fancy term for giving up. Perhaps there was a situation where we had no control to improve the situation. Then we apply this to other areas of our life thinking that we don't have control or influence in our life. This often leads to depression. They think, "well there's nothing i can do, so why try." They just accept the way they are and find ways to cope with it. This is fairly common with elderly retired folks. they apply this feeling of helplessness to things where they actually can take responsibility of. In fact, in a study, those who took care of a plant generally showed much more improvement then those who had someone else take care of the plant for them.

There's a sense of pessimism that comes with an external locus of control, they believe they're just too weak, and any effort they try will just result in failure. In short, people with an Internal locus of control believe that they posses the willpower to overcome obstacles and challenges. They also generally tend to have better health and are more ambitious, but of course there's pros and cons to each. For a long time, i think i lived with a external locus of control. There were things i couldn't change or fix. I felt like i was just running into a wall and making things worst. So eventually you stop trying, you give up, and already feel defeated when it comes to applying ourselves in other areas of our life.  

Sometimes I manifest my challenges and problems into something physical. I see life like a giant rocky mountain. Or i see moods of depression as a giant dragon. There are times when i don't believe i have what it takes to overcome these challenges. Sometimes i look up the mountain and say, I don't want to even try, i don't want to work, i want to quit school, it's too hard, life just isn't fair, i can't do it, ill jus lie here on the ground.. blah blah complain complain, and i become a hostage to my own negative thoughts.. There are some times where i feel like a coward and paralyzed by fear. I let my emotions and thoughts control me. Instead of taking steps towards healing, sometimes i let the hurt of my past consume and disable me. And then there are times where i refuse to let my thoughts and emotions get the best of me. I fight back, chain up the dragon and slay it. we need to look up that rocky mountain and say, ok, I'm going to conquer you no matter what it takes. Believing in ourselves is much more powerful then we think. 

When i was young, i remember i was in the car with my dad. He said to me, "You can do and accomplish anything you want to as long as you put your mind to it." I remember him saying something like, "You have the ability and potential to succeed. You just need to use your mind and apply it." Something like that. He tells me, "If change is in your control, why worry? If change isn't in your control, why worry?" And then my mom drowns me with, "i love you no matter what. I just want you happy and healthy" and yet also encourages me to be my best. I think i'd be so lost without them.

I'm honestly not a big labron james fan, but i just watched a documentary of him growing up and he deserves the respect. In elementary school his teacher asked the class to write down 3 things that you want to do when you grow up. His list was, 1) NBA 2) NBA 3) NBA. He wrote it down three times, and felt like nothing was going to stop him. In high school, there was a team that they beat before and when they played them again, they underestimated them, and labron's team lost in an upset. Everyone was shocked. Labron told everyone, "i'm gonna take a couple weeks off, i'm gonna work harder then i ever worked before, so when i come back, i'm never gonna have this feeling again."

When i look at those who train hard and want to be great, failure doesn't stop them. They get back up and fight harder. They're dedicated, and willing to put as much work as it takes to be their best. Those who work the hardest want it the most. Again this not only applies to athletics, arts and music, but also in personality, careers and relationships. What is it that you want to be great at?

Mm this probably doesn't direct relate, but i found it a bit inspiring. In the news, kelly clarkson gained a lot of weight from having a child, and she got criticized by people on twitter. (side note.. anytime i hear the name kelly clarkson, i get "since youve been gone" stuck in my head for like a day..) Other known artist refused to sing with her and declined doing duets with her, jus cuz she didn't lose pregnancy weight yet.. Jimmy Fallon then asked her to sing with him on his show. And i read that she really didn't care what others thought about her. She already found a secure identity in knowing herself, she's happy with herself and loving her family, so other people's comments just weren't important to her. I like that she was able to contradict how our culture emphasizes appearances and all that jazz. I guess sometimes it's easy to find ourselves too concerned with what others might think of us. And to an extent we should, but i think most of us worry about it too much. People don't tell us who we should or shouldn't be. i think i can kind of see when a person is secure in themselves. Usually they aren't easily embarrassed and are confident in just being themselves.

I watched a movie called, "Whiplash." It's about a drummer guy who wants to be one of the greats. His teacher pushes him way pass his limits and basically emotionally abuses him with insults like a drill sergeant. There was a scene where Andrew asks the teacher Fletcher that what if he's perhaps too hard on teaching people.

Andrew: "But is there a line? You know maybe.. you go too far, you discourage next Charlie Parker from ever becoming the next Charlie Parker?"

Fletcher: "No man, no. The next Charlie Parker would never be discouraged."

What is it that separates those who are truly great and those who settle for mediocrity? There was one motivational speaker that talked about success. I remember he said that a lot of people just "kind of want it." The people that really want to be successful will lose sleep, they'll sacrifice time from other aspects of their life. One guy asked a guru dude how he can truly be successful. The old guru guy took him out to the ocean, and dunked this boy's head in the water so he couldn't breathe. The man finally let the boy up and he was gasping for air. The man then said, "You won't get success, until you want it more than air."

I guess some of these examples are a bit extreme. But i think there's something about pursuing after something, wanting to become the best you can be, to become more than just average at whatever skill, craft, or job that you do. I'm not saying i want to strive to be the best athlete or musician in the world, but there are a lot of disciplines i would like to become better at.

Have you ever met someone who works really hard? Maybe they pull two jobs, or maybe they work way more hours than others. If you ask them why they work so hard, a lot of them will respond "because I have to, i don't have a choice." I didnt have to work nearly as hard as my grandparents or parents. Previous generations have worked much harder. Many have even gone through the hardship of war. I feel a little spoiled growing up in America. No, i actually feel really spoiled. i feel fortunate that my parents provided for me, but perhaps they give me too much. for the most part i think i have it pretty easy. If you think about it we basically have enough food, the comforts and safety of home, and all sorts of luxuries that tons of other people don't have. I feel like there's a lot of responsibilities that im really not good at handling. When i think about becoming an independent and a self sufficient adult, i get kind of intimidated. no one really teaches us how to handle money.

I talked to one guy who was dealing with homosexuality. He blamed and cursed God for making him the way he was, and he felt there was absolutely nothing he could do, and not even God could help him. I think there are issues where genetics and biology can play a role. But also we need to take into account how we were raised and the factors of our experiences. I believe with God's help, no matter how far off we are, change is still possible. God gives us a certain amount of power to be responsible of. For the things we cannot change, God helps us live and cope with them.

There was a time where i felt like i couldn't change. I carried pain and regrets of the past that i know i definitely could not change. My thoughts would dwell on problems that i couldnt seem to fix. I wasn't able to take back and change my bad decisions. I wanted to change myself and become someone different. I didn't like myself. For a time i believe i hated myself. I felt hopeless, hurt, and depressed. I lost all willingness to fight. I didn't want to do anything or go out or talk to anyone. I saw the world through pessimistic eyes. I thought there was nothing i could do. But that was wrong. I could take steps to let go of the past, take steps towards healing, and create or become the person i want to be.

People won't change, until they choose to fight. People must want to heal and want to get better before they can. I struggled with a lot of self doubt. I had no confidence in myself. But i think there's a point where you become ready to get back on your feet. A point where you have to relearn to love yourself, and believe that you can change.

In an anime called Naruto, there are a few characters that stick out to me. It's basically the best anime ever, ive been following it ever since high school days, and it's still going. The main character was basically an outcast and had no friends, no one cared about him, and he had a low self esteem, mainly because he had an evil fox demon in him, lol poor guy. Eventually with the support of others he finds strength from working with others and making friendships. There's a lot of characters similar to naruto, and you see them take a dark path towards destruction. There's one episode where naruto's evil side comes out to confront him. He realized that he struggled to completely believe in himself. He also then confronts the evil nine tails fox and makes friends with him and converts him to a good fox sorta lol.

 In the Legend of Korra, Korra also has to confront this evil side of her that has a negative self talk. In these two examples, they not only need to overcome their self doubt and negative self, they also need to trust the support of their friends. Another quality worth mentioning is that those who strive to better themselves also help to better others around them too.

In naruto there's a character named Rock Lee, and he doesn't have ninjitsu or genjitsu ninja technique abilities. He's at a disadvantage from the others. But he trains in taijitsu which is basically a lot of physical training. He is always seen training, or doing his best to overcome the odds. He is constantly striving to improve himself by training really hard. There's another character Hinata, who is always second compared to her half brother Neji. Neji is a genius, faster, stronger and more skillful in fighting. But she gets inspired by naruto to not give up and to get strong to protect her clan. im sure u can probably think of other movie heroes or real life examples.

lol i hate just using anime examples, but it's kinda what ive been watching lately. There's an anime i jus finished binge watching called Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. I had friends telling me to watch it for so long. Anyways, the main characters are Ed and his brother Al. Their mother dies, and they try to bring her back using alchemy. but they fail and Al ends up losing his body, but his soul gets trapped in a suit of armor. The story plot is super good, and the main boss bad guy splits himself into the seven deadly sins. So lust, greed, gluttony, sloth, envy, wrath and pride manifest into really interesting characters. such good character development.

Anywayyys, the reason i bring up Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood is because you see how Ed is willing to do anything and everything to get his brother's body back. He finds out a philosopher stone can bring his brother back, but the stone is made up of thousands of human souls, so he searches for another way. He's willing to fight, endure obstacles, overcome bad odds and any opposition. He's willing to sacrifice his life to protect the things most valuable to him. And i guess that's the same courage and determination i'd like to have.

I think i recently had to confront myself in how i see myself. Instead of seeing myself as weak, pathetic or as a failure, i need to start believing in myself. Sometimes i look for the easy way out, or how to put the bare minimum effort to get something done quickly, or ill make excuses to avoid things. We tend to avoid things we dont think we're good at or just don't want to do. Sometimes we get anxiety in social situations cuz we're afraid others wont accept or like us. I think even our happiness is in our control. There'll be challenging times when our willpower to fight and overcome trials is low, but i think in every situation there's a way to respond in faith. Suffering and hardship are inevitable, but we i believe God can help us persevere, heal and grow.

In working out, often times, hitting failure is good. It means we hit our limits. Some people call it the pain barrier, that's where you really gotta dig deep to push yourself the extra few reps even though you're dead tired. Failure is often part of success. It can help us to grow stronger or to learn a lesson. Someone asked kobe, "don't you get discouraged when you miss a shot?" He responds, "No, i just start thinking about the next shot." Labron says, "You know, when you fall and you fail so many times, you kinda gotta look yourself in the mirror and say 'Well what are you gonna do about it?'"

I think this concept of striving to be our best, even applies to daily things like yard work, laundry, time management, health, nutrition, exercising, and how we go about work or school,. Sometimes i think just taking care of our health is hard enough. Ask yourself what are the 2-3 things you would really like to invest in and become good at. Who do you want to become? What's important to you? When i think of 2 or 3 things I really want to become good at, they all relate to relational skills. How can i grow closer to God? How can i love/ serve others and have higher integrity? How can i foster counseling/ pastoral care skills to help others better? The first step towards these is believing in myself. i think a lot of us wish we could just magically change over night. But most things are a delayed gratification and take many hours of fostering this skill or virtue. I'm learning that sometimes making small and easy to accomplish goals really helps me to believe in myself. Instead of saying, I'm going to lose 10 pounds in two months, maybe you can say, right now i'm gonna put my shoes on and take a 20 minute walk. Achieving easy short term goals helps us grow in our self confidence in our ability to apply ourselves.

Besides hard work, dedication, belief in our self, bouncing back from failure, positive self talk, and self discipline, i think i forgot to mention two other aspects. I think we've all made strong efforts to change ourselves, but somewhere down the line we lost either accountability and consistency. Without those two we often compromise and weaken in our desire for change. Making life changes isn't easy and i don't think we're meant to do them alone. When we pursue goals with friends, we're often able to push ourselves further and enjoy what we're pursuing. iron sharpens iron. And even though we may not be that satisfied with where we're at, we must remember that we are a work in progress.

Counseling Psychology

"It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart."

There's something about the field of psychology that i've always found so intriguing. I think i noticed this back in high school when i had my first psychology class. I find that i really enjoy observing human behavior. Why are we the way we are? What factors make us who we are? Why are our personalities different and unique? How can therapy help us to change, learn and grow? How do we see ourselves? How might others perceive us? I always found sciences like chemistry, biology and physics kind of boring. Throughout college, it was the social sciences that stood out to me. I find it fascinating when psychologist do experimental studies to draw causal conclusions. Even when it comes to conditioning animals with stimulants, we're able to learn more about our human nature and behavior.

In college there was something that attracted me to counseling. But i felt God was leading me more towards serving in ministry. However, in seminary it was the counseling classes that again stood out to me. I used to ask myself, "How can I be of most use to God during my time here on earth?" And the answer i got was loving people and leading them closer to God. But a second realization i was able to make was that i seem to help people at a deeper level through short periods of counseling. Sure a sermon message is great, but most people forget them by the next day. In order to inflict change and positive influence in others, i found that i'm more useful in listening to people's struggles and walking along side of them.

At the core of change and growth, I see this need for God at the center. This relationship with God isn't just a compartment or one aspect to our lives. Our faith shapes our worldview. We live by these values and beliefs. Sanctification or spiritual formation is a term for this continual growth in our relationship with Him and becoming more like Him. Surrounding this there are aspects that can be considered natural formation. I think this is where psychology comes in.  I think our faith somewhat dictates our decisions. If we love God, we should also want to obey God. We have a responsibility to take care of ourselves and to make God-honoring choices. All of this is to say that in my opinion, Faith will always trump Psychology in regards to knowing ourselves, growing and helping others.

It's been my first semester in Chaminade doing the Counseling Psychology: Marriage and Family Therapy track. A big chunk of me is super tired of school. All the test, papers, reading, homework assignments, due dates, attendance, long classes, being graded on performance, and all the time, money, and stress that comes with those things. However, i remember what a pastor once told me. He said, "Chris, education is a blessing." Not everyone has the opportunity to learn from these great teachers. Anyways, i wanted to share a little about the stuff i've been learning.

In my personality class, we're learning of all these different ways to assess and measure our personality. What's more interesting is learning different approaches to therapy. Everyone in our class does a presentation on a given psychologist. The main approaches are the Psychoanalytic approach, Trait approach, Biological approach, Humanistic approach, Behavioral approach, and Cognitive approach. A lot of these overlap, and i think the best approach would be something that integrates them.

 Out of these different approaches to therapy I like the humanistic approach in particular. This approach is also sometimes referred to as existential or phenomenological. It's emphasis is on personal responsibility, the here and now, the experience of the individual and on personal growth. The goal is to move closer towards self actualization and becoming fully functional. This means identifying our true self and reaching our full potential. Other needs include meeting and satisfying our physiologial needs, safety needs, belongingness and love needs,  and self esteem needs. Three aspects to the humanistic approach stand out to me. One is the person-centered therapy that is focused on just listening, asking concrete questions, clarifying information, matching the intensity of the clients feelings, and reflecting back the content to help them explore their thoughts and feelings. Secondly this approach includes unconditional positive regard. This is setting up a non-judgmental atmosphere so the client feels safe to disclose their personal thoughts and feelings. This includes demonstrating empathy and compassion unconditionally. I think one of my biggest pet peeves in counseling is when you disclose a problem to someone and within a minute that person is already giving you advice on what they think you should do. This can show a lack of understanding and be harmful in therapy.

In my Abnormal psychology class we're learning how to diagnosis certain mental health disorders. These include schizophrenia, bipolar, depression, anxiety, ocd, eating disorders, sexual dysfunctions, gender dysphoria, substance related disorders, personality disorders, etc. So we're going through this workbook that's full of case studies. And basically we're looking for key symptoms and environmental factors that can attribute to these disorders.

I stumbled upon a website called 7cupsoftea , and it's been really helpful. I think it can be helpful for everyone. Basically, within seconds you can talk to someone that's been trained to be an active listener. People are honestly quite helpful and understanding. I've become an active listener on there and try to help people when i have time to kill. I've talked to people with very difficult circumstances. I've talked to people who've been abused and raped. People who have family dysfunctions, People who struggle with homosexuality, People who are angry or hate God, People with thoughts of suicide, to anxiety about possible pregnancy, people who cut themselves, people who have relationship problems, people who deal with depression because of loneliness, and a whole rainbow of different problems. It not only helps others, but sharpens one's skill to actively listen, and to help others cope. It's basically free therapy. Sure it's largely talk therapy but it gives a space to have someone support you regardless of what you may be going through. What's really great about the site is that it has a tab for self help information. They go through all the categories of mental health disorders and offer some useful techniques in overcoming the symptoms.

I've noticed something that seems to be a common thread among those who seek counseling. Most people who are looking for counseling don't have a strong support group of friends/ family members to help them. Usually when we have a troubling problem these are the people we seek for help. But in the absence of that, or with the lack of understanding, people need a trained therapist. And for the most part, people just overall benefit from someone who cares to listen.

goodbye crowcrow

 

Yesterday one of my old roommates told me that crow passed away at the vet. he got sick. and after a few days at the vet, my roommate got the call that the procedure went well and was ready to pick up. By the time my roommate got to the vet, the doctor said he had a heart attack from all the stress and removing the tubes. my roommate had his for over 12 years since he was a kitten. im sure its 10x harder for him.

Crowcrow dont tell the others but you were always my favorite cat. you were the best cat in the entire world. you were one of a kind. you were more than jus a cat. you were a warm and fluffy friend. u seemed more like a stuffed animal cuz you barely went anywhere. You gave us so much love.. maybe you were just too fat and lazy to run away. crowcrow you were such a sexy cat, but you still could of exercised a bit more though. you seriously were the best. you would keep me warm at night and sleep right next to me. you were such a fluffy pillow. you seriously got fur everywhere possible, but i didn't care. Even though you were so heavy, you were so gentle and kind. Whenever one of us had a rough day you'd always cheer us up somehow.

i really miss you. im sad that you're really gone. remember when you'd give me hugs everyday? we used to take long naps and watch tv all day. we would spend so much time jus hanging out lying down by the heater. i remember you would wake me up early in the morning by lightly patting me on the face. I remember how you would wait in the shower tub because you liked to drink the drops of water. i remember the time someone stepped on your tail and you bolted like crazy. I remember when mike yelled at you for sneaking into his room lol.

i remember u didn't get along with snowball for a long time. you seemed to win all the cat fights. you were definitely the alpha cat. snowball was a punk and a trouble maker i know. but eventually you guys became good friends. your schizophrenic son wildthing was always off in his own world. i remember the last day i saw you. you were in your favorite spot sleeping on top of the couch. i didn't want it to get all emotional so i quickly said goodbye. but i guess this is really goodbye now. thank you for such great memories. you were such a good crowcrow.