Christmas etc.

warning! loong bloog below..

i haven't had the time to blog since my mom or dad had things planned. Way too many christmas parties. im kinda tired of going out everyday, i jus wanna wake up late n watch cartoons! However, it was nice catching up with family and friends. Even though i haven't really seen my closer friends since ive been too busy. I feel like i haven't had the time to stop and rest.

I was panicking to find last minute gifts. It was kinda stressful. I went to my mom's friends place where they meet every year. And for some reason, even though i've known everyone since i was born, it felt hard to interact with people. I feel awkward when i don't know how to approach or even greet people. I also feel awkward trying to continue a conversation without it dying. Bleh.. sometimes small talk is hard.

Sometimes it's hard to push myself to talk to people. by default my face doesn't cheerfully smile.. so i guess i hafta consciously try to be relational. I really hafta push myself to be a conversationalist sometimes. It's hard to be other's minded, to ask questions and to engage with others. i felt bad cuz at the dinner table, i sat next to my grandma and i just played iphone games.. my default wants to withdraw. I guess im a work in progress. It's kinda hard to love others when we aren't the most social butterflies.

Sometimes we get so distracted by the lights, music, cookies, food, trees and decorations that we completely forget the meaning of Christmas. I went to a christmas eve church service and it was really good. It was jus the simple truth that God loves you and died for our sins. It was the gospel. The truth that we're forgiven in Christ. I even got teary when this lady came up to give her testimony. She got divorce and had to raise her son on her own. She struggled to keep a roof over their head. She became depressed and even struggled with suicidal thoughts. She talked a lot about all her trials and how God became her only hope. And the church community was really able to help her heal and become stronger in her faith. It was just an amazing story of how God really does change, help and save people.

I went to my dad's house for christmas eve and then i went to my moms side of the family for Christmas day. it was great being with family and pigging out.

Playing basketball and goin to UH's basketball game was fun. I really need to hit the gym, swim, surf, hike and play more ball. Physical activities seem to be therapeutic for me. I feel like an old man when my back and body is sore all day. Walk.. sit.. eat.. walk.. sit.. eat.. lie down.. all day..

random note. i went from 153 to 140 in weight. I lost over 10 pounds in like a month or two, cuz of school stress. i feel so darn skinny, yet fat. lol.. i need time for the gym.

I stayed at my moms dental office to get my teeth cleaning. so i stayed in a room for about 8 hours.. watching breaking bad.. oh so intense! but kinda a waste of my day.. what is breaking bad about u ask? Oh it's super funny cuz it's about this old chemist teacher guy who wants to sell drugs to make money. He hangs out with this young guy and it's so funny tryin to watch them cover up their trail.

some of my friends wanna hangout tmrw, but i really dont feel like doin the things they wanna do. I feel like i tend to disagree with things to do or even movies to see. Sometimes people have different ideas of fun. But i guess i should go out cuz i havent hung out with them at all

There's another friend who i recently talked to. And i'm really confused. Sometimes it's really hard to put effort into seeing old friends. Being really close to someone in the past, drifting apart, and then wondering if you can really be close again..

Friday i gotta go eye doctor, saturday gotta help my mom clean up a house in town

I hate when u start blogging and u write about stuff completely irrelevant to what you wanted to say.. no wonder my blogs get so long..

ive been having awesome dreams, but then ive been forgetting them. it kills me to know i go on exciting adventures and then i can even remember what happened. i should invent a dream recorder.. it's funny how we say, "oh i should jus invent a _______" as if it were that easy. i should invent an inventor machine that magically made everything you wanted to invent.

aw i miss church and all the kiddies... :(


I read the back part of a sena, and it talked about Lee Seong-Hye. She won miss korea universe. Her testimony is pretty inspiring. Her parents encouraged her to play violin professionally, but she became highly sensitive to her mistakes, and didn't like being judged for a 5 minute performance on her musical talents. In a sense she learned she was only accepted and approved of when she was perfect. She then pushed herself to get good grades and apply to medical school. She didn't get accepted and she became angry with God. She thought she would be glorifying God by helping others, but deep down she realized it was still for her selfish reasons. She learned that she would pursue what made her happy. And designing clothes and outfits was something that came easy to her. Her dad then encouraged her to try for the miss seoul pageant, and she ended up winning miss korea. Sometimes we pursue things, thinking that our skills, diplomas, education, and careers will make us happy. When truthfully, God wants us to be joyful in the process as well. We are to seek His will, be obedient to His call, and praise Him regardless of how well we're doing or what we're studying.

So even though i'm pursuing school at seminary to do pastoral counseling. it made me ask myself. Who am i becoming in the process? Do i jus see school as a means to get somewhere else? or am i really allowing God to mold me? Even tho we study God, are apart of a ministry and throw around Christian lingual, do we really have a relationship with God? I'm really learning how important it is to take care of ourselves. I really can't share God with others if I don't really walk close with Him myself. I really need to make it a priority to do devotions. To find quiet times to spend talking and listening to God. I guess the discipline makes me treat it more like a task, rather than a joy. God grow my desire to be with you and to receive from you.

Today i was thinking a lot about family. How come i'm pursuing Christian education stuff and most of my family doesnt know God. How come so many members of my family are turned off from hearing about Jesus? Why is God such a tabboo? I guess some people don't want to change. Some are stuck in their beliefs or idols. Some just don't seem to need God in their life. I guess i'm jus sad that there isn't many Christians in my family.

Okay.. so finally.. the stuff i wanted to talk about..
Sometimes i get upset when i miss opportunities. The worst ones are when i sense the Holy Spirit convicting me to say or act and i dont. God was really nudging me to speak into this girls life, but there were other people around, so i decided to hold my tongue. But today God was asking me to pray with this older lady, and i hesitated, but right before we left, i asked if i could pray for her. It was really nice getting the chance to counsel this older lady. It's so hard to not say or give direct possible solutions. I really need to mature in counseling techniques. It's strange how we always ask God to use us. And then when the opportunity reveals itself, I freeze up and bite my tongue. I need to learn to be a little more bold when it comes to leading conversations towards God. We Christians claim to have faith, and yet we dim our lights so we can camouflage in this dark world. Live out your faith, put love into action

this christmas i learned the power of handwritten letters. Even more so, i learned the power of words. Receiving a bunch of cards from church people made me realize how writing a sincere and thoughtful letter can often be the best gift. So i guess now i take my time in writing letters. It's also easier to write things than to say them sometimes. And so often we say our family means so much to us, and yet we never express it.

Dang it's almost new years.. still havent written a blog about my goals. i should look back on 2012's resolutions and see if i actually kept them.. im guessing i didn't since i cant even remember them. if ur a blogger.. write a blog about ur 2013 new year's resolutions! And actually do your best to keep them!

Liberation

jus pulled an all nighter. ill be leaving for the airport in an hour. lol im such a last minute guy. I usually pack really fast, like 15-20mins.. but then.. i decided to clean and organize my room. Then i realized i didn't do laundry. Then i got distracted by all the neat things u find while cleaning your room. then i started organizing clothes and throwing out trash. I calculated that in the last 5 days, (120 hours), i only slept for 20 hours. it's so harder to function. my brain is so pooped from hebrew.

oh btw.. YAHHHHH!! FREEEDOM!! i'm finally done with this crazy semester. It wouldnt have been too bad if i kept up with hebrew. i felt like i was tryin to catch a train. i think i did alright on the exam so i'm glad i won't hafta retake the course again. hmm... im overjoyed that i disciplined myself to study 10-12hrs for a stinkin test. i probably spent another 10hrs jus tryin to focus. coffee helped. But i think God really pulled me through. im so happy to not worry about school and to jus turn my head off for awhile. i'm still very sleep deprived.

Now it's off to hawaii! considering i havn't thrown a single thing in the suitcase, haven't pulled my laundry out and i leave in an hour, i really shouldnt be blogging. hah owell. last minute chris. I seem to have such stronger concentration when the pressure is on. but sometimes i guess i do overestimate my procrastination skills. man im so tired.. once i slow down, my eyes jus begin to crash. guhhhhh

YAY HAWAII!! :)

last day at church

it kinda seemed like i would be leaving forever.. but i know i'll be back to visit often. If u havent noticed, i made it a point to not blog about church stuff. it's easy to get in trouble for sharing honest thoughts about ministry. The only real stress came from not being able to meet my high standards of what i believe a pastor should be like.

Yes, i needed to step down to focus on a counseling internship at another church. But what i didn't mention was that I'm also stepping down because for a while, i've been feeling spiritually inadequate. I stress at not being relational enough, for preparing everything last minute, for not being a great organizer or planner, and i guess i criticize myself a lot. I need to let go of my regrets and disappointments. I jus keep tellin myself, "i wish i did better."

i believe pastors should be spiritually healthy and rested in God. Pastors should be in God's Word and in prayer daily, and i've struggled to do that for way too long. I've been having a hard time slowing down and simply receiving from God. I've been spiritually dry and exhausted for many months. How come it seems we're usually struggling spiritually more often than not? I believe it comes down to not being able to meet with God in daily devotions and maybe a lack of desire to spend time with God. well and the thousand other distractions.

Right now i just need to do less and focus on my personal walk with God, without having any responsibilities of ministry. I felt like i was becoming less and less effective. And maybe a little overwhelmed with the pressure i put on myself to perform and do my best. i mean, if ur gonna preach, u should do it right.. right? and not be winging it by planning a few hours before service. I really don't like to settle for mediocrity. Instead of doing things for God, i first need to focus on being with God. I need to become a student learner again. I need to refine the basics of my faith. I need to work on myself, and allow God to really transform my lifestyle.

I want to come to a point where I desire God more than anything else in life. Where i become obsessed and addicted to being with God. I want to have times where I do nothing but listen to worship music for hours, read scripture, take walks, pray and journal. He is our infinite source of strength, and yet why do i run to other things instead? Why not absorb all this free love he freely gives?

One thing that i relearned in ministry, is the power of relationships. Church should be a loving and warm community of brothers and sisters in Christ. And i am grateful for all the friendships and relationships that we formed at church. I will definitely miss not being able to see everyone every week. I am especially grateful for the leaders who were able to handle so much of the logistics and who were also able to be there for the younger ones. I wish i could have discipled and invested into the college leaders more.

i dunno why my blogs always end up being small preaching moments. it's usually God trying to teach me. so.. note to self..

Make it a point to surround yourself in fellowship, family and community. We're not meant to do this whole Christianity thing by ourselves.  Instead of tryin to hold your breath, let God breathe life and abundance in you. Decrease so he can increase. Don't forget the absolute necessity of receiving the fullness of God's love and grace daily.

Practice spiritual disciplines and really make it a point to take your faith more seriously and joyfully. Give up legalistic religion and see that God is really just after your heart. That God really does want to change us and has the power to do so if we trust Him. It's kinda like holding on to God while he gives us a piggyback. We just hafta hold on tight. True worship and awe really does lead to a joyful obedience. Rekindle your first love.

I pray that during this winter break, i'd truly be able to find my ultimate rest in God alone.

?????

so many random thoughts and emotions. but i find myself not wanting to blog about them. hmm..

it's 1:47am. i kinda jus woke up cuz i slept at 11ish. went to garden buffet with gregs relatives. they had a big party upstairs. so much food and they even had karaoke and a christmas tree in this private room. we all stuffed our faces.

sometimes it feels akward being at a table with people u kinda sorta know, but dont really know. and then, not being able to ask anything about the other person. i mean.. it's easy to joke around with friends we know, but when it comes to adults or to really quiet people.. i jus dont know what to say. ill try to muster up a question, but then it fizzles out so fast.

i met with a christian counselor today in alhambra. so far.. gah. but yeah.. it was kinda eye opening. and for the longest time i thought i wanted to go into marriage and family therapy. like being in my own office and being able to get paid to talk to people and work with there problems. but then i realized that it seems so much more fulfilling to do counseling in the church where they offer it freely. And more issues about God, the Bible, and spirituality come up. uhh but the counselor lady said they only accept psyd/ marriage/family or social work masters degrees, so i couldnt apply for an internship. lookin for a place to intern is kinda freaking me out a little. gotta find a place soon.

I think i'm starting to slowly understand what it means to relate to how others feel. like.. to really walk with them in the midst of their struggles. I think i like counseling because it takes the attention off me, and I can impart compassion by jus my attentive presence. I feel like i can actually offer help to those willing to be vulnerable. I feel like God actually does want to use me to help others explore themselves more.

I'm learning that it's crucial to take care of myself first. When i'm caught up with my own problems, i feel ineffective to offer help and attention. I hafta be careful to not let their problems weigh me down. Sometimes i forget how important family, friends, and the support of community is. Problems tend to arise when we withdraw from healthy relationships. We need to surround ourselves with cheerful and positive ppl so it uplifts us. And empowers us to tend to those hurting.

its 2am, so im not quite sure if i'm jus rambling or even making much sense. i was gonna try avoid talkin about school, but guess i will. why do i even include those statements. guh. anywaaaays.. stay on point chris.. uhh oh yah.. i took a hebrew retake exam, and did fairly well. i actually caught up to where i was supposed to be. but now that i caught up to chapter 12-13, theyre on chapter 17. and im lost again. it felt good to have some hebrew click and make sense.

Today was actually a good day at school. i took a marital counseling exam. and i guess reflecting back, i did learn a few things. people have wrong assumptions and expectations of marriage and what their spouse is supposed to be. we all have home of origin issues. meaning we've observed how things have been done in our family and by our parents, and well not every family is exactly like yours! the class also helped me to see how you can help a husband and wife understand each other. amplifying and clarifying their statements by trying to interpret what their really trying to say. i also bought a few marriage books cuz they actually seem interesting. how much attention do we really give to trying to improve our relationships and communication?

It seems like most ppl look at marriage as finding someone to meet their needs, and to make them happy. Rather, marriage is a model of how Christ loves the church. It's about expressing love through service and sacrifice. It's about working with your sins and growing in holiness. I feel like i have such strong perspectives of marriage. and i told mike today, where in the world do u find a girl who has a deep prayer life, who has inspiring faith, who gives her life to service, and puts God first. and well i know very few, but i guess it made me think, have i been holding to those values myself?

gah i forgot i have a paper due.. but its not till next week. should i do it now at 2am or.. later? hmm
I kinda liked my advanced pastoral care and counseling class. it was interesting to study the deeper issues that ppl struggle with. i can only remember, guilt, victim, rescuer, self-image, role playing, trust, power issues, perfectionist, conforming, and ppl always in crisis. it was cool how our prof unpacked the symptoms, roots and how to help in the issue. but i wish we learned more counseling techniques.. it was kinda nervracting to counseling someone and have someone grade me on everything i did. coulda done better, but oh well.

so yeah. today was kinda good, cuz i feel like i came up for air. ive been drowning, and soon i'll hafta go back down for awhile. but it was refreshing to have a cup of coffee, end class early, talk to fun classmates, empower a friend, breathe in the fresh air, check out 2 book stores, and talk to my old roommate about things. Oh then i went to the gym. and i guess a big dinner was nice too. i'm actually getting more excited about goin home for christmas. having peace is a lot easier when there isn't demanding papers and test. i cant wait to walk around my neighborhood. it's super relaxing to jus stand in awe of God's creation. i also wanna hit the beach, watch movies, and work on things i havnt had the time to do. gah i cant think about hawaii yet, still got 1 more week! gahh hebrew

even though i feel like i fumbled my sermon about peace, it actually helped me more than i thought. how can i have peace in the midst of stress and school work? Peace isn't the absence of problems but the addition of power to meet and overcome those problems. God actually poured into me a lot as i was driving. perhaps worship music helped. Sometimes we get so caught up at whats going wrong, or we feel unhappy about a specific problem, and we focus so much of our attention on the difficulties that we miss God trying to empower and comfort us. im surprised im managing to survive. perhaps trusting God has given me extra strength and perseverance. im glad im not sick with anything.

i wish i remember what i wanted to say, my thoughts jus escape me. i had a dream i was playing mario kart, lol it was fun. i cant remember, must mean that im gettin tired..  i also had a dream my friend poured a bucket of snakes, bugs, spiders on my bed. but i wasnt on my bed. and i was like bro! man, really? and then i hadta pick up little beatles. but i also had lots of laughter in my dreams. i saw 2 really cool dogs today. man they looked so happy.. i wish i had a dog. i kinda miss my cats a little. jus a little white fluffy body, and those big eyes, lol. man.. i gotta worry about christmas shoppin for my family soon. i rather not exchange gifts sometimes.. money would probably be better spent if everyone jus used their money for what they wanted. hmm i guess that's not what christmas is really about though..  yup im rambling, time to go. this is what happens when u blog chris. ahh time for bed

Introspection

donchya hate long blogs? me too. meahn! I don't like reading long blogs, and yet my blogs are always the longest, lol

im pretty sure ive been goin through slumps of mild depression. there are moments of happiness, usually video games, food and sleep, lol. But the problem is i can't trace the root of the depression. In the past i think loneliness attributed to some depression, but i don't really feel lonely. I think it's because i'm not satisfied in so many areas of my life. it feels like nothing is going really well. i'm not doin horrible in these areas, i jus feel like i've been sloppy and that everything is slowly falling apart. 

dogs!

why can't i sleep at a normal time like a normal person
ahh school is kicking me in the butt
i hope i dont get sick this winter
i miss hawaii weather, not too hot and not too cold
i want cereal and a sausage mcmuffin
i miss my childhood days
i want shaved ice
i like cartoons
i wish i had a real BEMO ^_^
i wish i had a photographic memory
how come i hafta pee like 20 kajillion times a day!
i wonder if a presidential candidate ran for office and promised free chicken mcnuggets and ice cream cones for everyone, how many ppl would vote for him, heck if arnold can win, anythin is possible
i wonder if ill ever drink coffee, read the news paper, and play golf
i had a dream i had a little baby girl
felt strange being a dad for awhile and changing diapers
i reallllllly want a dog
i saw a little brown furry one by himself on the sidewalk,
why do dogs always look so happy?
i remember i used to be scared of them when they were bigger than me
i like the way they walk, lol
i love dogs, i love every kind a dog, i jus want to hug all of them
but i cant huge every dog
i jus love them and i want them. i want them in a basket
and ones with little bow ties, i want them on a rainbow and in my bed, so we can jus roll around, roll around
i even came up with a list of all the fun things i'd do if i had a dog
it included, long adventurous walks, hunting, frisbees, a giant dog house, hiking, eating steaks, cooking breakfast, wearing pajamas, basketball, movies, video games, mcflurries, teaching it to talk, making music videos, traveling, killing zombies, chasing ppl on the street, and pooping on yards
i wanna be like ace ventura and have a bunch of crazy animals for pets
but minus the smell, poop, mess and having to feed them part, lol
it'd be cool to talk to animals
im sorry im thinking about dogs again, and again and again
lol if u never saw the "i love cats video" i guess u'd think i'm kinda weird
actually, who isn't weird?
i thought it was funny how my friend's mom made pillows with pictures of her dogs on em
i think i love monkeys too
itd be awesome to have a well trained monkey
im sick of fast food, wingstop never again!
our country is battling obesity and yet there's a fast food place on every corner!
it's a love hate relationship,
i feel like i'm always craving a burger, fries, a cold soda, and ice cream
cheap, fast, no dishes!
it's so hard to go grocery shoppin for healthy food
i guess i gotta go back to cookin chicken and vegetables every night.
i should train my dog to cook, and then have other dogs do my laundry and hw
seriously how come i cant jus go to sleep at night
i miss long summer/winter breaks
kinda miss being home..
lol i cant believe u wasted ur time reading this
i sound like im 5yrs old

WooriChurch

ZOMBIES!!

I can't stop watching this show called, "The Walking Dead." It's all i think about. second season has some slow boring parts, but it's still good because this show actually understands how to build different dynamics of character development. Each character is complex and has conflict with other characters. It's about a group of people who are trying to survive a plague that turned almost everyone into a "walker" (zombie). Each episode ends with suspense, making you want more.

There's a good guy named shane, who later turns out to be kinda crazy. He'll do anything survive.. Then there's the protagonist Rick, who's the leader and tries to make the best judgements. He goes out of his way to rescue and save people. Then there's Rick's wife, Lori. She thought Rick died, and hooked up with Shane, but then found out Rick was still alive, so she kept it all a secret. Then there's this old guy named Dale. He's so awesome because he always looks out for people and wants to keep people safe. He has the best talks to convince people of what's right and wrong. He can also read people well and knows when someone's lying. Then there's the young asian guy, Glen who used to be a pizza delivery guy. He kinda acts as the comic relief. Then there's T-dog, this black guy who feels like he's left out of the group, but he's actually a pretty good guy. Then there's Andrea. She's been through the most trauma and she got a lil suicidal cuz she didn't wanna hafta suffer in this fallen zombie world. And then there's this hunter survivalist dude named Daryl. At first he was kinda the jerk who only cared for himself and had a short fuse. But then as the story develops he kinda turns into a pretty good guy. you guys probably wouldn't like it cuz it has gory scenes of zombies tryin to eat people. The zombie actors actually look pretty real. i lose sleep because of this show.

So anyways.. that's what ive been thinkin about all day long. It makes me think, what if zombies were real. and i needed food, guns and shelter. At least there wouldn't be any school hw and i wouldn't need to pay back finical aid! There's a new game called Call of Duty Black Ops 2. And it has a zombie mode.. im really looking forward to it. i love shooting zombies, then making money to buy cooler guns. I guess that's what makes Minecraft fun too. Build a house and run around protecting yourself from zombies.

When i'm not thinkin about zombies i'm thinkin about how cool it'd be to be a ninja like naruto. I would have all these cool jutsu ninja techniques and skills. I would be able to control elements, be able to train, protect a village and fight bad guys! And then.. when i'm not thinkin about zombies, and naruto ninjas, i play pokemon! i finally beat the game, but there's still more places to explore! i think it'd be cool to not hafta go to school, fly on my dragon bird pokemon, catch new friends, and battle random ppl standing in the grass. It'd be cool to have an awesome pokemon theme song playing wherever i go.

Then, when i'm not thinking about zombies, ninjas, or pokemon. My mind goes straight to superheros and superpowers. I am anxiously waiting for x-men vs avengers, the first cross over comic book. it comes in the mail late november.. u guys probably don't care at all, but Captain America n the Avengers wanna destroy this girl named Hope. She's said to be the next Phoenix. Jean Grey the last Phoenix destroyed cities and went on a killing rampage. But Cyclops and the X-men are trying to protect Hope, because they think she'll bring new life, healing and new birth to their mutant species. Later Cyclops and some other x-men receive the power of the phoenix, but cyclops loses his cool and has too much power. so then the Avengers attempt to stop them. Oh so much action! I would ace school if they tested me on these things that actually have value.

I jus watched a Batman movie, and it was different because Bruce
Wayne is retired and old. He hasta fight ppl with his smarts, and even when he gets all beat up from this big huge guy, Batman has redemption. He draws strength from the pain of his past. He summons this deep willpower, fight crime and see justice, protect the weak and see justice. Then after i think about all those things.. i realize i still haven't done my homework. so i go to sleep, and dream a world without studying hebrew.

Homework Thursdays

I like Thursdays. Since i don't have class i originally tried to dedicate Thursdays for homework. Wednesday nights I tell myself, i'll wake up and go to corner bakery, panera, starbucks or even norms to go study like a good student..

But this is what happens
I wake up late.. (oh so awesome to not be forced by an alarm clock)
I stay in pajamas all day..
(yah it's actually gettin cold enough to where i wear socks, pjs, n a jacket)
I make my visalus, maybe find some yogurt or ice cream,
play some video games
watch naruto!
watch walking dead.. oh sooooo intense, ahh!
i still needta watch a new animated batman movie
by then it starts to get late in the afternoon
so i debate on going to the gym to do somethin productive
i normally fail and end up blogging about it
then i evolve into a snorlax eating snacks and fallin into naps, oh snap
then my roommate comes home n we end up playin video games
so much for Homework Thursdays
also didnt do any devos

It's strange when i have a free day. I treat it like a one day summer break. I should really go out to study, wkout, or do something productive

mm.. maybe later.. zzz

help

²⁸ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.

-Isaiah 40:28-31

God i feel tired, weary and weak. Renew my strength..

Choices

I know what i should do..
Go to school and stay awake
Catch up and study your hebrew
Get your papers and projects done
Go to sleep early
Eat healthier
Go to the gym
Do chores, cleaning, errands, etc
Call my family/friends and pray for them
Spend more time being present with God

But here's what i've been doing..
Skipping class
Not doing homework
Sleeping at 3-4am
Eating too much junk food
Video games, video games, video games
Internet, facebook, youtube, email, tumblr, hulu, 9gag, blogging, repeat
Burning CDs
Watching movies
Taking lazy naps
Chasing after idols to fill me rather than God


God please help me

self-talk

Sometimes i don't get it. sometimes i feel so weak. You say you love God. That yes, God is most important. but then why don't you live like he is? Why is it so hard to be patient. To wait, to sit, and to be with God. it really is simple. But yet your anxious heart runs violently after self-destroying idols. They do not satisfy your deepest desire. Yeah they might cure your present ache temporarily. But these cravings and lusts won't fulfill the deep longings that your soul really thirsts.

chris sometimes you rely too much on yourself. Rely and trust in God. God always comes through with what's best, even when it doesn't seem like it. God disciplines those he loves. God is patient and merciful. Hear Him call. Hear Him speak. He's drawing you to Himself. Quiet your soul. Empty yourself and fill yourself with Him. In Him there is nothing but light. He is full of love and peace. He doesn't accuse nor condemn. He delights in you. See yourself the way He sees you. Remain in Him.

“Be still, and know that I am God" -Psalm 42:6

 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” -John 4:13-14  In peace I will lie down and sleep,
   for you alone, LORD,
   make me dwell in safety. -Psalm 4:8

  “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. -Matt 11:28

God,
make me the person you want me to be. transform and change my heart, renew my spirit. im lost without you. humble me, and diffuse my negative talk. I want to come back to a heart of worship. Help me to love. help me to find rest in you. consume me, break me, mold, and shape me. So often i feel empty and tired. Fill me and be my strength. Strengthen me and use me to bless and serve others. Fill me with joy once again. Fill me with a burning desire. Help me to move my faith into action. And to draw from your well. You are the one who replenishes me. You are a God who heals, delivers and restores. Be my shield in the midst of pain, suffering or hurt. Remind me that you are always near. Whisper your loving kindness. Fill me with the presence of your Spirit. Help me to be more disciplined and to use my time more wisely. Also please help me to pray for others. May you receive all the glory and may your will be done. Amen,

The Lazy Bug

Do you ever have internal struggles with yourself. I fight myself daily. I tell myself, don't waste today, be productive and get some stuff done! I make a list of all the homework, chores, and errands to do. but the books are still unread, the papers still havn't been started, my hebrew books are still in my backpack, the laundry is still dirty, and my mom didn't magically fly to california to stack my refrigerator with cooked food. I have a problem getting things done, unless they're urgent or due very soon. i guess that's called procrastination. cuz i know i'll get to those things eventually. I'll stop procrastinating..tomorrow. lol

so what do i do? i blog about how lazy ive been. Even though i didn't get any work done, and the day is almost over.. i did make progress in video games, lol. that's not something i should be proud of. hours jus seem to fly by. Then there's a wind of "i should get something done!" so i get off the couch and use the bathroom, and come back to the couch and fall into a cycle of drowsiness. i blame the internet, media and entertainment. But really it's jus a lack of willpower, motivation and self discipline. Analyzing problems and not making any moves of action, still leaves me with the same problem. why am i complaining, when ppl are buy at work or have demanding things to do?

i need to go gym. it's hard to get myself there if i go alone

Step 1)  Pray to God for help
Step 2)  Wake up! Get off the couch bro, roll off if u hafta
Step 3)  Get off the stinkin computer, no utube wont help!
Step 4)  no seriously.. really get off the computer
Step 5)  go get C4 preworkout for energy
Step 6)  no chris, don't go back to the couch!
Step 7)  kill your excuses and put some socks on man
Step 8)  brush your teeth
Step 9)  listen to loud music, "preliator by globus"
Step 10)Pack your bag and get out the door

hard work, dedication, sacrifice, focus
 do whatever it takes to motivate yourself. Vision + Intent.
Push yourself!
u can do it! now go!!!
My dad once said.. no one is lazy becomes successful

_________

came back from the gym
i forget how happy the gym makes me
it's fun lifting heavy weights and pushing yourself beyond limits
i did this cycle class, and it was intense. i could barely walk after
i need to be more consistent with the gym
idk what it is about exercising that rejuvenates me and makes me feel alive
the key is staying motivated and disciplined
but sometimes it's so hard to get there, lol
accountability and a gym partner really help and make it more fun

RISE

this blog was never meant to be a place where i jus vent about problems. I wanted my blog to be about God. I wanted it to be uplifting and encouraging. And not filled complaints or negativity. I've been trying so hard to hold my tongue on any negative thoughts. But the fact is, life has many obstacles to overcome. Trials make us stronger. Suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. So when life gets hard, look up and put your hope in God! Overcoming difficulties requires us to rise to the challenge and to mature. More importantly, we're given the choice to either face our problems on our own, or to trust God in the midst of them. God also surrounds us with the body of the church so we can lend and receive support from others. Regardless of how big or small your problems are, God cares about all the things we struggle with. And by walking with him, he begins a growing process of change, discipline, and sanctification.


Some random thoughts, and me battling my bad habits

1) My stomach is driving me nuts. It's obvious it's another ulcerative colitus flare up. But i'm too stubborn to go to the doctor. The pills i'm taking now are slowly helping. And i read on peptobismo that you're not supposed to take if u have ulcers.. so i was like.. oops.. do i bear out the pain till it goes away? or go through the hassle of doctor appointments? lol i'm choosing to bear it out..
2) I need to get my life organized. It's hard to break old habits. Sleeping super late affects my next day. I need to sleep earlier and eat healthier.
3) I need to clean my room. i kinda get tired of cleaning, and things become messy fast. I need to do laundry.
4) I need to start working out harder and more consistently. Being away from the gym makes me feel sluggish and lazy. gah so hard to make it to the gym on my own
4.5) i worry and think too much
5) This should've been number 1 on the list, but i want to deepen in my walk with God. And this takes devoting time. This takes practicing spiritual disciplines in secret and in quiet places. I feel like i've lost that sense of just being with God. I need to stop occupying myself with other things.
6) I skipped class today again. i coulda made it on time, but i felt so tired, so i slept in. Yesterday i felt so behind in hebrew. I'm on chapter 8 and the teacher is discussing chapter 10. I pull out all the vocabulary flash cards i haven't looked at and it's a buttload. Studying hebrew is like placing yourself in an empty swimming pool, then filling it with mud, quicksand, barf, lava, monkey poop, a hebrew dictionary, and a black hole. but then later i felt better because everyone said after the last test, people stopped studying too. And the prof hasn't given any quizzes lately, so everyone else feels behind too. I also read through the book, and got some hw done.. it's not so bad once it clicks.
7) Oh this is a random thought. but i started watching this show called "Walking Dead." It's a zombie survival show.. u guys probably wouldn't like it, unless you like zombies. but the show is kinda creepy, that i keep thinking what if zombies really do exist and want to eat me. Shows on hulu are also distracting, tv, entertainment and video games sucks all my time. Control ur limits chris!
8) i've been having a bunch of dreams. A giant gorilla was chasing me. i wish i remembered more of my dreams. lol, i do remember i drove my car through a burgerking.
9) it's kinda sad i need to leave church soon. i'm gonna miss everyone. :( i wanted to do somethin fun for church this friday and also hallelujah night. but i really don't have any ideas. If you guys have any fun ideas please help me!!
10) i like chicken
11) i'm kinda excited to go watch a movie tonight. Probably End of Watch
12) im wasting my time blogging.. lol
12.5) i miss hawaii.. i should call my parents
13) i want to see a chiropractor, but it's so much $! but my back hurts! ahh
14) i'm addicted to minecraft and pokemon. it's becoming a problem
15) if u got this far, u minus well pray for me! thanks!

Living Faith

This last weeks sermon was really meant for me. i need to put my faith in Action. It's easy to talk about God and think about God, but do i really practice what i preach? Does God rule and reign in my decisions and actions? James argues that faith without works is dead. it's useless. What good is it if salt looses it's saltiness? What good is it to hide your light? A good tree must bear good fruit. This is the evidence of our faith.

James 1:22
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.  We're not called to be hearers, but doers. 

 ¹⁶ This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? ¹⁸ Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. -1 john 3:16-19


There should be a day and night contrast between a spirit filled christian and a non-believer. It should be obvious. Christians have God within them!

However, good fruit isn't just doing good works. do we experience the fruit of the spirit? Is there a depth to our love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control?


We need to work from our overflow of rest. We need to focus on being before doing. In Acts the apostles/disciples waited to be filled with the Spirit before they were sent out. We too need to receive strength from our time with God, so we can share the love of Christ with others.

Sometimes we say we're too busy, i can't do things, i'll do it later, i don't have the time, i don't know how. We make excuses for why we're so distant and why we struggle. I know i make these excuses all the time. I think mary got it right when she simply sat before Jesus and listened to his words.

We're so consumed by trying to get everything done. Maybe we have too many responsibilities. What's hindering you from coming before God? Are we really too busy to make time for God? Or is it our hearts? Are we too worried about our future? Why must we hurry and rush everywhere? Is it really just about doing as much as we can as fast as we can? When we look at the life of Christ, he was super relaxed and chill. The spirit of God isn't anxious about anything. Sometimes we jus need to slow our roll and be with God. When we experience God, he brings us peace and stillness.

Instead of rushing around like nascars, we need to slow ourselves down. busyness is the enemy of peace. hurry is the enemy of depth. We need peace and depth in our lives. Taking care of our spiritual lives and embracing the gospel daily should be our top priority. Don't compromise by filling our schedule with activities. In the end what's truly important to you? Take care of yourself, by finding rest in God.

Find liberation in rest. It's like the first time you experienced snow. Remember how excited you were? We were simply amazed and in awe. We jus wanted to play in the snow and enjoy it. snow makes me really happy, lol. In the same way, our time with God should be like the first time we saw snow. Just sheer wonderment, joy and awe.







_______________________
Extra awesome bible verses..

Jer 32:36-41
this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ³⁷ I will surely gather them from all the lands where I banish them in my furious anger and great wrath; I will bring them back to this place and let them live in safety. ³⁸ They will be my people, and I will be their God. ³⁹ I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me and that all will then go well for them and for their children after them. ⁴⁰ I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear me, so that they will never turn away from me. ⁴¹ I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
   but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. -proverbs 13:12

 ⁸ Taste and see that the LORD is good;
   blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
⁹ Fear the LORD, you his holy people,
   for those who fear him lack nothing.  psalm 34:8-9

Ezekiel 36:24-28

 ²⁴ “‘For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. ²⁵ I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. ²⁶ I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. ²⁷ And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. ²⁸ Then you will live in the land I gave your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God.

1 Corinthians 1:8-9
⁸ He will also keep you firm to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹ God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

John 6:37-40
³⁷ All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. ³⁸ For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. ³⁹ And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. ⁴⁰ For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.”

John 6:44
⁴⁴ “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day.

John 6:64-65
For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. ⁶⁵ He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”

John 10:27-29

²⁷ My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. ²⁸ I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. ²⁹ My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.

Ephesians 1:3-14
³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. ⁴ For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love ⁵ he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— ⁶ to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. ⁷ In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace ⁸ that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, ⁹ he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, ¹⁰ to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.

 ¹¹ In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, ¹² in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. ¹³ And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, ¹⁴ who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

San Diego Weekend

I have about 1,000 thoughts just roaming in my tiny head. I guess it'd be good to blog some down so i don't have them floating around aimlessly. i sense this is gonna be a loong blog.. probably kinda boring too, if i were u i wouldnt read it 

okay.. so this weekend i hadta go to a National Youth Worker Convention (NYWC) hosted by Youth Specialties (YS). Talbot gives us 3 credits for going since it pretty much sums up what the prof would have taught in the semester. They basically had a bunch of guess speakers, leadership seminars, and everything regarding youth ministry. It was actually pretty cool to see a bunch of youth pastors, leaders, and volunteers all meeting in one place.

Lemme digress. lol i really don't like it when ppl say that phrase. idk why. Anywho.. so on Thursday i drove to my aunty's house. i also picked up crispy cream doughnuts on the way.. ohh so good yet so bad. Anyways, i say anyways a lot. so yah. i got to my aunties house and we played scrabble with friends for a good hour. i was surprised that she was better than me. anyyyways.. she later talked about how she found a doctor who uses natural remedies like with herbs and stuff. I don't really kno how he does it, but he supposedly cured people with different types of cancer too. my aunty said she found that her hypoglycemia is most likely from having a virus plus mercury insider her. Anyways, even though i was super tired and wanted to sleep, i got to bond a little with my aunty and pray for her. Sometimes we have so many things we want to tend to that we often neglect opportunities to be present with others.

Anyways..  i actually booked a flight to San Diego, because everyone including my dad thought that driving with my car would be kind of a risk. She makes a lot of noise, but she can still run fine on sheer willpower and soul. After the weekend i regretted taking a flight out.

From my aunty's house, i drove to the parking lot to drop my car, took a shuttle to LAX, took a 1 hour flight to San Diego, took a shuttle to the hotel.

Hotel room was pretty sweet, i had two queen size beds to jump from. Clean sheets, air condition, fresh towels and a warm shower was awesome... until i later got the bill.. the food there was super expensive, everything was like $5 more than what it should be.

Anyways.. the worship at the conference was pretty awesome. for a moment i got a little teary because it was incredible to be in a room full of 5,000+ Christians. There was some Christian rapper and these two skit guys that were pretty funny. hmm.. One of the speakers was really funny. He's an old lawyer guy that goes after international injustices. He talked about how he thought his friend was playing a joke pretending to be a Uganda president leader guy who wanted to recruit him.  But then when he got off the plane, he found out it wasn't his friend playing a prank. He was then made a diplomat counselor of Uganda. and then he said, "yeah they gave me some uganda flags to put on my car, they're so bitchin'!" lol the crowded laughed so hard that this old guy used that phrase at a Christian conference. i was surprised how many bad things some of the speakers said, but it was pretty funny. And then the old guy said, "so sue me. I could kill you! i have Uganda immunity." lol you probably woulda hadta been there.

Anyways..... i went to a Drawing Out the Secret Hurt in Teenagers seminar, Counseling 101 Seminar, Youth Group Fun and Games seminar, and Mentoring One on One seminar. There were group times when we met with the Talbot students to discuss stuff and main conference sermons too. They had a bunch of exhibit booths set up where i got free stuff. It's nice to get 3 credits outta the way, but i still hafta meet up with a cohort 3 times, and have tons of papers and projects for that class.

Doug Fields from Saddleback church is probably the most well known youth pastor out there. it was cool getting to hear him speak. He talked about the importance of not being overly busy. Sometimes pastors give, plan, and serve so much that they compromise their own walk and devotion to God.

oh i met this other youth pastor guy from hawaii, it was cool meeting him. i also got to know some other talbot guys too.

I guess the two main things i learned through this conference was that it's okay to not be so productive. It's good to make space to find rest in God. It's hard to find peace when we overload our schedules. but sometimes it cant be helped. Secondly, i learned how important it is to really invest in students and leaders. I regret not doing a better job and making more time for specific people. Make time for God, and make time for people. It's too easy to let other things get in our way of what's truly important.

Ok, so here's where it began to get frustrating. I took a shuttle back to San Diego Airport, then took a shuttle to the commuter gates, and began waiting for my flight. it's 7pm and my flight was supposed to leave at 9, and arrive at 10. Then they said, oh well the flight is delayed at won't come till 1040. So everyone continues to wait. Then later the lady says, "oh the pilot decided that he's not coming at all.." so everyone is pissed because it was the last flight before midnight, and ppl had connecting flights to get to. So there was one lady and like 40 angry ppl. i probably need to send american airlines an email for a refund.

She finally announced that a bunch of vans would drive us to lax, which is like 3 hours. And so i jumped in a little van with 6 other people. It was weird because no one talked to each other. People were tired and angry. It didn't bother me so much at first. There was this couple next to me, and they were like making out and being all gross. At least they weren't too upset. After sitting in the van so long with a bunch of angry people, it started to really affect me. i regret not driving 2-3hrs there and 2-3hrs back. Instead the entire wait, commute and travel was over 15+ hours. i was so tired. then i caught a shuttle to my car, and went to mcdonalds for ice cream. I miss working out, i ate super bad the whole week. i also spent so much money. In the end, conference was pretty good, but the traveling was miserable. Even tho all i did was sit around all weekend, it was exhausting.
right now im skipping class. i should do my hebrew hw and write a 6 pg  paper, but i dont want to. im hungry

Soul Care

Hello blog,
I was up till 5am studying for hebrew. So much stress tryin to study for one test. The test was pretty hard, but i felt like i understood all the concepts. i jus wish i studied the vocab better. it was kinda challenging cuz we had to write out and translate the english into hebrew.. guhhh why! I could understand needing greek n hebrew if there were no english translations.. but we already have translations so why!!

anywho.. today i found out we have torry conference next week. Really it jus gives me next wednesday off. but i kinda wanna skip monday and/or tuesday. my goals have become to jus pass.

im really thirsty... today i went to cvs.. and u wouldnt believe how many snacks, candy and junk food i bought.. im always so tight w/money and hate compromising my diet with junk food. but i needed a little splurge.

I find myself having to go pee like every 15 minutes! gah.. it's crazy how many more times in my life i hafta do laundry, use the bathroom, brush my teeth. i need a clone or robot to do everything for me

so i titled this blog "Soul Care" because i think we all need to take care of our souls. We take care of ourselves to an extent, but sometimes we overwork ourselves and push ourselves to get so many things done. And usually the thing that gets sacrificed is rest and time with God. I've been having stomach attacks daily for two weeks. it's probably ulcerative colitus again, but i really dont wanna hafta go to the doctor and do a bunch of test. Anyways, during a time of suffering, i think it helped me depend on God. Sometimes God allows trials, challenges, and even pain to get our attention.

Instead of tryin to figure out and do everythin on our own, we need to come to God in prayer. I actually prayed out loud, which kept my focus better. My thoughts are usually so scattered. sometimes writing it out helps too.

Instead of trying to manage our time and schedules, we need to manage ourselves. What's most important? Are we compromising our devotion to God? It's easy to say, "Oh yah, God is first." But do our actions and lifestyle really mimic what we confess? When we really think about it, we have a lot of idols, addictions, and other things that consume our thoughts more than God. One of my friends posted on their fb, "God i want to know your heart. I want to denounce mine and know your heart." When we desire God we desire  His will. When we see God, we just want to be with Him and stand in awe. We must not forget the explosive and relentless love of our God.

If you feel like you haven't experienced Him in awhile, you may want to ask, "where have i been? have i really been seeking Him with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my strength?" I struggle to make space for God. I struggle to sit in silence, slow down, listen, wait, and receive. I honestly jus spent 5 minutes with God, and it felt so intimate. He reaffirms us, he listens to all our complaints, worries and fears. He carries and lifts our burdens. we simply need to surrender and trust in faith. i think worship music really helps me focus and makes it easier to come before God.

I kinda relearned something about myself today. If i have the option of being independent or dependent, i almost always rather be dependent. I enjoy doing activities and things with other people more than jus tryin to do them alone. I guess that's most people. but.. i guess what i'm tryin to say is.. if no1 is around, i can be very independent. but if there is someone i can turn to, i rather rely on them. I know i have a hard time asking people for help, but honestly that's what christian brothers and sisters are for. I need to strengthen my support group, and also be there for others.. We should rely and turn to our church family for help. How often do we really pray for others, or ask others for prayer? Tryin to get through life alone is jus too hard. We need to find people who we can trust. People who can invest into us and be supportive. And i guess it really starts by being there for others and offering compassion. God's love flows through us so we have the power to minister with His love. stay connected to the vine, and find other branches who can support you.

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i dont like when internet is slow
im so habituated to hit a light switch, even when it's already off or on.
like i turn the lights on before leaving the bathroom,
or i turn off the lights walkin into the living room
i use my hand as a napkin for everything
when someone brings up a noun.. i started saying the phrase..
"well you know what they say about _______"
even if it doesn't make sense
if somethin requires too much work i say "ho brah so sweaty"
i have no idea what this blog is about
i really want a cheeseburger and fries.. oh minus well have some mcdonalds ice cream too
i was on tumblr.. and it jus makes me hungry and miss hawaii
i miss surfing and not worrying about anything
i need to be on True Life: I'm Addicted to Minecraft
it's all i think about now days.. fight zombies, build houses, mine for gold, tame pets.. ahh!
u guys who know me well, know that i am a pokemon master..
and well, even if the game is for 10yr olds.. a new pokemon comes out on Sunday and im excited
video games will probably keep me single for awhile..

This week i noticed a heightened value for accountability. It's honestly rare to find someone who will really be accountable for your spiritual, mental, emotional, social, and physical life. i can barely do anything on my own. self disciplinary is hard. i wish i could jus pay someone to do my hw.. books papers test.. and then san diego for a youth ministry conference.

We need community and the church to be united. too many ppl struggle with loneliness and depression. And it's because people have lacked the compassion to reach out to others, plus were so individualistic, we try to tackle the whole world on our own. we need accountability to pray and encourage one another. We all have things to share, but sometimes we jus dont have anyone to share it with, so we fb status it, tweet or instagram. We're honestly jus lookin for people to care and to be involved in our busy lives. it's so easy to withdraw and keep all our thoughts to ourselves. i need to learn to express myself more, listen to others more, pray more, and focus on accountability. i also need to study more.. gah

oh yah.. so back to needed community.. in my counseling class so far.. 5-6 ppl have cried.. i got teary when it was my turn.. sometimes we asian ppl bottle up our emotions and feelings to much. i need to learn that it's okay to be vulnerable with people you trust. i actually cried today.. wow admitting that sounds so girly.. and then i blog about it? and then someone said they were about to hug me cuz they thought i was some girl, and then someone else called me a girl too. man.. i need to stop being so girly, lol.. now that i think about it.. i dont have many bros who blog.. i should go fight a bear, well.. i'd probably die

the last two times i cried over the years have been because i havnt been a good son. i wish i were there for my mom and more patient. i dont seem to have the patience to listen and call her sometimes.. I also need to talk to my dad more.. living in cali has actually put a lot of strain on my family relationships and friends..

time for a change

jus spent the last two hours trying to manage everything. ive realized that ive been somewhat lazy lately. I feel like ive been putting 25% energy into things cuz i really dont like to work very hard. I dunno where i picked up the mentality of "i'll jus get by." I guess theres a part in all of us who jus wants to take the easy road. i dont like to spend my time on work because i think i overvalue fun and leisure. 

sometimes we jus put the bare minimum and try to do enough. ive become an expert at taking short cuts and doing things fast. Which normally ends up pretty sloppy. I bank on procrastination because i wont do anythin unless it's due tomorrow. Since high school ive probably only turned in 3 assignments in late. cuz i probably jus forgot.

man i hate when u want to blog about something and u end up goin on a long rabbit trail tangent.

so anyways.. i looked at my room to see it pretty messy. my table needed a lot of cleaning and organizing. i decided to set up my Oct calender, and to actually start lookin at a bunch of school paper projects that are about to be due. I've been lingering in summer vacation still. I'm the student who hardly ever does the required reading. Makes me a little sad to see all these school books that ive collected over the years that ive hardly read. when u have like 8 books to read for class, it jus makes u feel defeated. plus the books are so boring and theres tons of other fun things to do instead.. gahh goin off topic again

I guess i jus wanted to mention that life requires a bunch of organization, planning and managing. It's even crazy how much work it is to take care of yourself. its easy to neglect our health. its also easy to neglect our spiritual health. i guess this whole blog is sayin that i need to use my time more wisely, and manage myself better. its so easy to fall behind in chores, school, and other goals. i need to learn to keep things organized and staying ahead of the game. future chris, dont wait till the last minute to get things done. have the discipline and self control to work hard.

kinda ironic how my last post told myself to stop complaining, and a few hours later i find myself complaining again. complaining doesnt get me anywhere, it wont solve my problems. i need transformation and strength to overcome my responsibilities n challenges. lol i always end up preaching to myself at the end of my blogs, u tell urself chris!

I'm finding myself very confused. do i over introspect? Do i over analyze? am i overly critical of myself? Well chris, i think the answer is quite easy, since ur critiquing yourself right now. i think im very hard on myself because i see all the things i'm not doing right. But at the same time, if i'm not strict on myself then i make way too many compromises. i guess if your tryin to improve yourself, u kinda need to be overly observant of yourself. you catch yourself falling into familiar patterns, and then try not to make the same mistakes. But at the same time, shouldnt i have grace for myself? I havent been able to eat a cheeseburger, fries and ice cream without feeling extremely guilty as if i jus committed a crime.  but then i say, "hey ur too hard on urself chris," then immediately fall to the other side of the spectrum and become a snorlax.

perhaps im focusing too much on natural formation, and the things that i can do to better myself. I could use some moderation and balance. another thing about trying to better your habits is that if you don't set obtainable goals, you'll never be content. man im really rambling on and i dont even think im makin any sense. I always say i could use more spiritual formation, meaning practicing spiritual disciplines to allow God the space to work in your life. And well of course we could all be spending more time with God. I mean im sure we could all imagine ourselves being closer to God than we are now. Of course we could be doing better in our academics, occupational skills, health, and relationships. the pursuit is endless because there isn't a limit to sanctification. so in a sense, can you really ever be content at yourself?

We know that God loves us regardless of our performance. but can we really love ourselves and be truly contented regardless of our performance? unless we do everything absolutely perfect, we tend to be very pessimistic of ourselves. i see all the failures and missed opportunities of the day. i find myself saying, "man i coulda done that better." or, "i wish i did _______ instead of _______." If we were truly content in ourselves then what would motivate us to be and do better?  If you were to ask yourself, "do i really love who i am? Am i really content with who i am?" We'd start to think of all our negative behaviors and insecurities. i bet i sound confusing so im gonna stop. if only i could tell my brain to stop.

im conflicted if i should get a head start on my homework paper, or if i should jus go to sleep since its late. dangit, i wrote this whole blog to inspire myself to become better and yet at the end of it i find myself resorting to whats easy and comfortable. so much internal conflict

sigh this is what happens when i get too serious about things. the chris who doesnt worry and jus plays zombie video games is so much easier. i havent really told anyone, but ive been having really bad stomach problems this whole week. i think i'm allowing myself to think that i'm really stressed. then that stress gets to me and it attacks my stomach. Im tryin so hard to not let the stress get to me. i find myself jus tryin to ignore it and not think about problems. Yes God does relieve my stress, but i guess the gym helps a lot too. swimming, jacuzzi, the steam room, plus a warm shower is a miracle worker.

Do you have any stressful problems in your life? Perhaps you bottle ur feelings up like i do. but instead of holdin on to them and letting it eat at you, why not surrender them and say, "Here God, i trust you with this problem, i wont let it bother me anymore cuz i know u can handle it."

I once heard someone say this on the radio.
"Yes i'm not where i should be.
But i'm a far way from where i used to be.
And i have hope for where i will be."

God please help. Amen.

i need to stop complaining. life could be a lot harder

Deep Loss

i recommend you don't read this blog if u don't want to get sad.

Today i met with a children's hospital chaplain. Her name was Sharon. She began telling me the various responsibilities she handled each day. She went into detail about how she met with a 8 month pregnant mother this morning who had found out through ultrasound that her baby was no longer breathing. i was speechless and did my best to hold back the teary eyes. So the mother had to go through surgery later that day to have the baby removed. The chaplain said that by 35 weeks pregnant, the parents already have all the baby clothes, planning and supplies. She talked about how she asked the mom for prayer, but the mom responded, "What's the point, my baby is already dead." It was pretty heavy stuff. I don't think i'd know how to really respond to someone who just lost her child.

She also told me a story of a mother who gave birth to conjoined twins. The mother was worried that everyone would consider them some sort of freak show. The mom also had questions about how many birth certificates they should have, how she would take them home with only one baby seat, clothes, and all sorts of questions. The chaplain then mentioned that they also passed away.

Then the chaplain told me that she runs a small support group for the women who lost a child. She talked about how hard it was for them to see other mothers have children and baby showers. She shared how some of them hate the holidays and choose not to attend family get togethers. Mothers who recently lost a child would need to deal with all the people asking about their baby. I can't imagine the severe grief they go through because of their loss. Some of the mothers do get pregnant again and do have another child.  

I asked her what other challenges she faced as a chaplain. She said, "when abused children come in because of their parents." Apparently she dealt with some of the parents who would shake their child. She dealt with one case where the parent threw her child across the room and actually killed her own child. I was like.. O_O are u serious..
the chaplain also went on about how another child was born with severe brain damage and is at high risk. She talked about how she visits all the newborns and prays for them. She also told me a story of how one child would only survive a few hours after birth, and how the parents just held him for those few precious moments. I was like, "man, you have the toughest job." Of course these were the more rare cases, but i guess complications aren't as uncommon as we think.

But while she was talking, she stopped in the middle of her sentence and said, "wait. do you hear that?" across the hall a baby gave a loud healthy cry. She said with a big smile on her face, "That's a newborn's first cry." She said she hears them everyday since her office is right across the delivery room. It was pretty touching since i've never heard a newborn's first cry. It was definitely the highlight of my day to hear the first sound of a new life.

Survive or Thrive?

i hate when my blogs are jus venting
it seems a lot of people are struggling with present circumstances
it feels like we jus want to be out of a certain situation
and not hafta deal with stressful things
i crawled through Japanese for 6 semesters
then college had another 2yr language requirement
so again i hadta suck it up and persevere through hawaiian for 4 semesters
then i met my worst enemy called Greek
i don't know how i survived 6 semesters
i remember watching each second on the clock
trying not to think about the pain and how lost i was
i was so happy to be done with greek forever
now i hafta go back into a new darkness called Hebrew
ive had 8 years of learning language
and have absolutely nothing to show for
tryin to learn grammatical concepts and rules
jus makes me wanna barf and cry
so now i find myself avoiding studying as usual
i wouldnt mind learning things if they were more useful
maybe if i was tryin to become a linguist or something
i jus want to complain and avoid
every time i attempt to study i feel like i'm reading another language
oh wait it is
so now i'm very low on motivation
what's the point if i won't even use it
i dont care about grades, i jus want to pass
why spend hundreds of hours investing
into something that i'm not even slightly interested in
ok im done whining
it's my fault for signing up to take this masters curriculum
there's no turning back, and there's no way around it
back in high school
i learned the real smart people
are the one's who know how to avoid subjects they don't like
so i avoided science, history, and language classes
why these u ask? well because they should be called extreme memorization class
why cant we take classes on playing video games or
classes on working out in the gym

lately i find myself reminiscing of easier childhood days
i really had a great childhood
i enjoyed running around like a little kid
having my mom take care of all of my needs
i enjoyed playin with other kids
watching cartoons all day and playing games
for some reason i remembered how my mom and i made
a blanket fort in my room
it was a safe place, a fun place
but eventually blanket forts needed to come down
eventually we hafta grow up to take care of ourselves
get a education, make a living, get married
i don't think i want to take on the world
i still want to live in a blanket fort
where things are easy and full of laughter
but things dont work that way
and i know i need to mature
in faith i need to step up to challenges
and ask God to help me not jus get through with it
but to sharpen me in the process by being with me
even if it seems very painful
lol instead of analyzing it all and blogging
i should be actually doing my hebrew
lol nah i think ill save it for tmrw

counseling class

today in our counseling class small groups, i got to be the counselee
it was actually pretty helpful
this one girl jus listened to me vent,
which was nice because now days ppl dont listen very well
so jus having someone comprehend and understand
what i was going through was good feedback
then one of the pro teacher leader counselors
was asked to give me some counsel/spiritual direction
she asked very thoughtful questions and really wanted to help me
understand what i might be feeling
it was good to have someone reflect
my emotions, content and thoughts
i normally dont like to talk and share too much
about myself, but i'm learning that sometimes
we need to find people we trust to
receive grace and compassion from others
sometimes we need proper soul care of ourselves,
we actually need to take care of the deep anxieties
that we often bottle up
usually because we don't have people who can offer
the right attending skills
we ourselves need to be present with
other people when they really have something to share
we need to be patient and not cut people off
we need to learn how to read people's verbal and nonverbal gestures
when i was being counseled,
my emotions became very was obvious through my tone 
i even got a little teary, but i caught myself and stopped
it's great that we have the Holy Spirit
with us as the Great Counselor/ Physician
but it's also pretty awesome that we can be surrounded
by a supportive community called the church
as God's people we need to learn how to be there for others
sometimes our mere presence can be a ministry for others
i also need to learn how to ask better concrete questions
to further understand people
sometimes i jump to quick to assumptions
to try and figure out their problem
i guess the next step in counseling would be to help people
come to a deeper realization of their own
beliefs, values, assumptions, ideologies, behavior, and thoughts
and perhaps the most important tool in counseling
is inviting the Holy Spirit to help us minister
we need to have the discernment and wisdom to
know how God may be at work in their lives
overall, i think being practicing counseling skills
and getting more experience would help most
sometimes i move too quickly with my observations,
or sometimes i don't know exactly what to say
i don't know how to end this blog
ok bye