i love this kid

isaac:  i worry about my future

me:     why?

isaac:  what if i don't get a good job or make enough money..

me:     you're in fourth grade!

isaac:  are aliens real?

me:     i don't know

isaac:  cuz if they are, whoa! God makes crazy stuff

isaac:  i don't think i can eat breakfast tomorrow

me:     why?

isaac:  because i can't remember my memory verse

augustine:  look out for the ghost under your bed

isaac:  i don't believe in ghost, i only believe in the Holy Spirit

regarding the obedience retreat, i think my thoughts, feelings, and worries were still a distraction. I gave a short sermon on Romans 5:18-19 and it reminded me that God's grace and double imputation is what makes us righteous. My self-righteous works don't earn or make me become righteous, it is the blood and sacrifice of Christ. My other sermon was on Revelation 5. Read that chapter. it really sticks out to me. It's about how worthy the Lamb is because he was able to purchase us from a bondage and slavery of sin. He is worthy of all glory, honor and praise. i sorta miss teaching. it makes me meditate and internalize scripture more.

playing a bunch of games, laughing and eating together brought a sense of joy that i miss. it's rejuvenating to spend time with christian brothers and sisters. and i think i find fulfillment in ministering and offering care to others. Just being with people breathes health into me. over the last weekend i thought a lot about the virtue of humility. We can all be very selfish and overly self centered with how we'd like things to be. love isn't self seeking, it puts the interest of others before one's self. and i guess that's a virtue i'd like to improve in.

In regards to leaving CA and moving back to HI soon, i've had a lot of fears of losing friendships here.  i guess i realized that some friendships are given for certain seasons. friends worth fighting for can become life long friends. but that requires communication, love and mutual commitment. i pray that even tho i move away, ill still be considered a close friend to those who care. i'm also reminded that we all have the ability to make new friends. Sometimes I'm too selective with who i want to take the initiative to reach out to. maybe we all play a sort of favoritism with people we connect with better. Sometimes we make a short list of only a few ppl that we really care about. but God calls us to step out of our comfort zone and engage in fostering new friendships as well. it doesn't matter who's sitting next to you, foster relationship. change in moving can be a little scary since i still dunno what ill do for work, but I'm starting to worry a lot less because i know God will place me where i need to be when the time is right.

what i learned from last 4 years / 2014 Resolves

New Years Resolutions
- spend more intentional time with God
- be a better friend
- read entire bible
- be homeless for at least a day
- find work
- read more
- floss more
- draw more
- gain 20 pounds to hit 165
- workout like crazy
- back up everything on dropbox
- grow in character and virtues
- get a better sleep schedule

Even if i don't accomplish all my goals, i hope to at least move in the right direction.. eventually small steps everyday turn into miles of growth

_____
so i guess I've been waiting to finish seminary after 4 years. and 4 years is considered relatively fast for master of divinity. but i wish i didn't rush through it, and spent more time in ministry. there was quite a bit of suffering. and i guess that's part of the process. i remember wanting to quit so badly after 3 greek courses. but God definitely pulled me through it. I'm glad I'm done with school. i hope there's no more. in the future i may still consider doing a masters in Marriage/Family Therapy or Masters of Social Work. But just not right away. i jus wanna work. I'm not sure what to do with myself with all my time. I've been jus watching movies in bed since I've been sick for the last 2 weeks. i guess i should jus pack up my stuff to ship to hawaii, sell my car, meet with as many ppl as i can, move back and look for jobs.  i got no energy to do any of those things.

I'm not saying i did all these things well on this list, but its just things i'd like to focus on.
anyways so what i learned...

Thoughts on Friendship IV

watched Frozen the Disney movie. I liked it because it addressed a false ideology of how all you need is romantic love to be happy. The main character anna, meets a guy and they stare into each other's eyes for a while. The next thing you know their singing a song. She says, nobody wants to be alone. The guy then proposes to her and they get engaged after knowing each other for less than a day. So she thinks she's in true love. But then the story unravels to show that they obviously aren't meant to be and she doesn't even know his last name. Spoiler! Instead she finds love in the relationship of her sister. The sister the ice queen is afraid of relationships because she's afraid of hurting others. but in the end the sister sees the consequences of withdrawing from her sister and being consumed with fear. She's able to conquer her fears by trusting in this relational sibling love with her younger sister. Maybe I'm jus over analyzing it.

Quick question, if you could choose or determine the sex of your child would you want to? Like isn't playin with your offspring's genetics like cheating God's unique design? But then, what if they had a genetic disorder? I can't believe biotechnology can actually choose what eye, hair color, etc your child can have. i get off subject sometimes..

I recently connected with an old friend i haven't talked to in like 6-7 years or so. We used to be pretty close back then. And it was comforting that even after all this time we can still just go back to where we left off, and how even tho we haven't talked in years, we're still friends who can hangout.

One of my professors said we need to surround ourselves with at least 12 people. He gave this profound analogy of a clock. He says, the top three numbers are your mentors or people you look up to. The bottom three numbers are those you take care of our mentor. The six numbers on the side represent your peers. Of course we can have more numbers/friends, but he recommended that we should strive towards having a full clock. I responded, i feel like i have a numberless clock and i don't know what time it is. It's weird how coming of age comes with losing and gaining batches of friends. Some seasons we'll find ourselves lonely. Others we'll find ourselves in strong community. It seems like when we're younger, friendships sorta happen organically and easily. But as we get older, I see that close friendships take intentionality.

Sometimes we get close with some friends and forget to keep a balance. We forget that it's not always eight o'clock and that we need other people around us instead of jus one or two. lol do i sound confusing? One person can't fulfill your entire clock. I think not growing up with any siblings made me unconsciously look to care for younger brothers and sisters in the church. The Frozen movie got it right that no one wants to be alone, and that we all need to surround ourselves with healthy relationships built on trust and respect. And i guess the first step to making new friends is being a good friend to others. I guess I'm still in the process of letting God fix my broken clock.

when you think about it, most animals are also very social. Sometimes i think cats are a little antisocial. i wish i had a dog. one that doesn't bark or stink too much. i was jus thinking, it would suck to be a dog and hafta stay home all day tied up or in a boring room with no one to play with. and then u can only run around when ur master takes ya out for a walk. I was jus thinking if animals sometimes feel lonely. I think if i ever got a dog, i'd need to get at least 2 so they could be friends.

being sick sucks cuz u can't go to the gym. u lose ur appetite. u cough uncontrolablly. u hafta go doctors. u hafta take a bunch of pills. u feel weak and drowsy all the time. u get a stuffy nose.

man im not used to cold weather. in hawaii u never hafta sleep in a hoodie. or use chapstick.

my uncle, aunt and cousin are coming up, and my cousin is.. 4 or maybe 5? we're taking her to disney land this week. Disneyland can be exhausting with a little one.

Thoughts on Friendship III

To help us gain the relational and emotional skills we need for engaging in a closer relationship with him, God offers a school of love through experiences with our human friendships. Not only are human friendships a joy in and of themselves, they are also an essential means to deepen the most important relationship we can ever have, our friendship with God. Our intimate relationships with others, brothers and sisters, spouses, friends, are actually more essential to Christian living than we may have previously thought.

Contentment

Supernatural contentment, much like Aquinas's "infused virtues," is rooted in the infinite goodness of God. Having one's ultimate desires fulfilled in the goodness of God is infinitely valuable and, at least on some views, unceasingly constant. If one begins to realize, appreciate, and internalize this greatest good, contentment in whatever circumstances would follow - even in circumstances in which there are little, if any, other satisfied desires. This realization, appreciation, and internalization is not just a cognitive process, but involves an in-depth experience and appropriation of the reality of God's goodness in one's life.

Even if we're not satisfied with how things are, we can be content because God is good.

Spiritual Emotions - R. Roberts
Being Good; Christian Virtues for Everyday Life - Austin & Geivett / S. Porter

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:11-13

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside quiet waters
He restores my soul Ps 23

Praying in Confidence

What is it that I believe in? Nay, rather who is it that I believe in? I believe in my God. Not only that he exists, but that he is a loving, gracious, and merciful God. He is a sovereign, faithful and holy God. He is always in control. God is supreme over the heavens, all the nations of the earth and the entire universe. Therefore, God can also heal our brokenness, our relationships and restore our souls.

Thoughts on Friendship II

It's all about relationships.

your relationship with God

your relationship with other people

your relationship with yourself

As we grow in our knowledge of God, we also find ourselves growing to know ourselves. As we commit to community, we often find ourselves discovering our identity. When you look at what's truly important in life, it's not the material things that matter. it's all about relationships. It's about knowing others and being known. it's about sharing your life and growing together. If we don't spend quantity time with people, how can we expect to develop quality friendships? Make time for those you care about. Protect and fight for the things that you value most. 

"What God wants is simply our presence, even if it feels like a waste of potentially productive time. That is what friends do together; they waste time with each other. Simply being together is enough without expecting to get something from the interaction. It should be no different with God." 

-The Gift of Being Yourself, David Benner

“Anything valuable requires our best effort. Friendship is worthy of this kind of investment.”

“We come into this world with nothing, and we leave with nothing, but our relationships endure forever. Into eternity we take with us our relationship with God and our friendships with believers.” 

“Deep friendship can be experienced by any two persons willing to commit themselves to work at becoming close friends.”

 - Wasting Time with God, Klaus Issler

God please help me to be a better friend

Thoughts on Friendship I

What's the best type of ship? friendships! haha.. For some reason ive been thinking about friendships a lot lately. Imagine life without friendships. Doesn't it seem empty? Can we really grow without relationships in our life? i think we're meant to grow in community and in godly friendships. Over the last few years, if there's one thing i learned, it's the importance of a strong support system. We need to surround ourselves around good people and share life together. We're not meant to go through this life alone and isolated. God created us for relationships.

Reflecting on my home of origin and growing up, i feel like i was fortunate to always be surrounded by friends.  Maybe not a lot of friends, jus close ones that were always there. I don't think i realized how much i valued being around friends. It's inevitable that we'll lose a lot of friends throughout this life. We'll grow distant and lose contact, it's a sad fact of life. 

I remember hating the fact that i would lose my friends transitioning from 6th to 7th grade. There's still a small handful of them that I still know, but for the most part we loss touch. Even though we'll lose a lot of great friendships as we grow older, we can always move towards making new friends. I still remember high school as some of the best days in my life. Attending a small school made it easier to make close friendships. We'd laugh about everything. Many friendships weakened over the years, but I was able to preserve a good core of friends till this day.

Lessons from a Walk: Gratitude

    I'm convinced that taking a walk increases our quality of life. I was feeling pretty out of it and had low energy all day. I was feeling a little restless and my roommate was feeling miserable too. So I decided we go for a walk. I was trying to cheer him up but maybe i was also trying to cheer myself up. Sometimes we're so focused on the things we lost, or the things in life we don't have, that we forget the things God has blessed us with.


    I began thinking of all things that i'm grateful for. I'm thankful for good health, a family who loves me, friendship, the comfort of shelter, food, music, transportation, technology, freedom. I have the ability to walk, get exercise and see God's glory in His creation. I have the ability to breathe fresh air. I could feel the sun shining on my skin. I saw God's beauty in two birds flying together. I stood in amazement at the enormous sky. I saw the green of plants and the great size of trees. I saw little colorful flowers. I saw kids playing and laughing together. I saw a father carrying his little son as he walked down the street. I was reminded of how God carries us and how He loves us as His children.


    Then as i was turning the corner, i saw my cat friend named Tom running across the street to come greet me. I haven't seen him in awhile so I was happy to see him. He's one of those cats who loves attention and is really comfortable around people. He's really playful and likes to purr. Then i thought, wow i would've missed all of those things if I didn't go for a walk.


The Lord is my shepherd

I shall not want

He makes me lie down in green pastures

He leads me besides quiet waters

He restores my soul


"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one bodyyou were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christdwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Col. 3:15-17


"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances;for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thes. 5:16-18

there's this other cat i met. When ur a lonely person. cats and dogs count as friends. lol. So there's tom, another cat toby, and i guess ill call this white orange one fatty. lol. i have a hypothesis. The fatter cats are, the more affectionate and fun they are. Probably jus cuz they're used to humans feeding them. i think I'm a cat whisperer or something. but I'm a dog person.. so it doesn't make sense. i wish there were cute stray puppies, but cats are fun too. sometimes i like to imagine myself in a field full of puppies and we just spend the whole day rolling around, playing and chasing each other.. lol

Time to Change

I want more of God. I want to live a higher life. I'm tired of being the way i am. There's something about receiving from God that transforms us. I want to be better. I want to be happier.

 tired of this old chris. time for a new. i didn't realize how many issues i have lol. I can easily be a depressed and negative person. I'm so fed up, that it's time to change. I need to change my thoughts and behaviors. I need to stop feeding my bad habits and start creating new healthy habits. change is hard and painful. How do you really change what you think and feel? How do you care less about things that are important to you.

I need to step outside my problems and see things in a different perspective. I need sanctification. I want to be secure and rooted in my identity in Christ. I need to stop all my shanangins and jus simply be. i want to be so in love with God, that really nothing else matters. God help me to surrender to your love. Help me to trust you more. Help me to make you first.

I would describe myself as someone lying in the mud right now. I've ran from God and lost everything, i have nothing left. I'm tired of doing things the same way and making the same mistakes. Trying harder jus makes my issues worst. It's time to break these idols i've set up. I need to simply let go and move on from things i can't change or control. I need to give up these fairytale desires that aren't realistic.

I need to grow in maturity by investing into right things. I need to engage my will and conform it to God's will. I need to seize each day and enjoy the present. I easily feel defeated with not much energy. But God says, with whatever you got, jus move your pinky just a little and hold on to me and i'll pull you through this mess. It will be a slow process of healing and relearning and it won't happen over night. But a pinky finger in the right direction is better than staying face down in the mud.

letting go

I feel like i can't do anything right. i overvalued things that made me happy. and i jus don't know how to let go. i don't want to be me. I want to be better and healthier. I want to be less dependent on people to be okay. I really need to change. I jus don't know how to get there. I realized i don't like being alone. i waste so much time. I need to be more active and fill my life with good things. I put too much emphasis on things that made me happy and I obviously over think everything. I hate feeling like this. I can't believe how well i am at messing everything up. I need self-control. i need to surrender my thoughts and emotions and just stop trying so hard to fix things. Get your life together chris. stop chasing what's out of your control. Fighting to solve my problems seems to just make it worst. Letting go seems like accepting loss. i don't understand why i care so much to preserve the good things in the past. God help me to let go. Help me to trust you. just let go chris. things can't be the way you want. stop trying. let it go. go do something to better yourself.

I hate how i over complicate things. Letting go just seems like throwing everything away. You can't throw away things that have value and meaning. But i guess if i broke something important, i guess it does lose it's value. man I'm pathetic. i don't know what to do. how can we be ok when things aren't ok, guess ill jus give up and stop dwelling on it

Prayer should be our first option, not last


It's time to let go. It's time to surrender. I need to stop holding on. I have a really hard time letting go. I want to change my past, present and future, but those are out of my control. I've given up my own vain efforts. There's really nothing i can do anymore. Except in every situation there's always one thing we can do. And that's to trust God. When we pray and trust that everything is in God's hands, we can stop worrying. I want things to go back to the way they were. When you lose something valuable and important, we fight for it and try everything we can to get it back. But maybe we're just supposed to accept the loss and say goodbye. I wish i was more grateful and took care of the things the way i should've when i had the chance. There's nothing left to do but to pray and let go.

They say time heals all, but really isn't it God slowly healing our wounds? God not only makes our situation better, but he also makes us better and stronger in the process. I've caused deep injury, suffering and pain to others and myself. God says that there's grace, but I still have a hard time letting go of my guilt and forgiving myself because i'm reminded of the hurt that still lingers. God says to surrender, let go, and to trust Him. God is the only one who can sovereignly bring healing to our brokenness. God help me to trust you more. Help me to keep my head up. Fill me once again and restore my soul. Thank you for being a God who heals. You are worthy of all praise. Please be with those who are hurting and remind them of your great love.

Passion

     Today at service we had a bunch of ppl from another church come to visit. I saw about 5 friends from an old korean church i used to go to. It was refreshing to see them again. I like when church can be a safe place for friends to jus hangout. I think Korean-American churches understand the importance of community and living life together, and not jus bouncing after service.

Seeing a bunch of old friends today made me a little sad because moving from church to church really does strain friendships. I want close friendships to endure and last forever. anyways, one of the reasons I'm at this church now is because they have this really good youth pastor. every time he preaches it blows my mind. I aspire to be like him and teach with the same passion.

     Do you ever sit in church and actually feel something inside you yearning for change? yearning to become better? yearning for something more? I'm not quite sure what it was.. But do you ever get this burning sensation where you're filled with God's love? When we get really close to God, sometimes our hearts can feel God's heartbeat. We can actually sense God's spirit within us. And the words of scripture come alive. We become filled and satisfied by his love. His spirit is like water to our soul.
     

young forever

Let's go back to that time. that time of laughter. You know what i'm talking about. That time where we ran around playing silly games without a care in the world. who cares about school and grades. We could eat a box of popsicles, play video games and watch cartoons. We could take naps and dream the day away. Or we could listen to music and stare at the stars on the beach. We could build a fort in the sand. Go to a theme park or have your mom drop us off at the mall. Let's go for a walk not knowing where we're going. Let's prank call people at 2 in the morning. Let's gather all our friends for a poker night. Let's play hide and seek n tag. Let's make a stupid utube video. Let's throw water balloons at classmates houses, and drive off laughing like we accomplished something. Let's watch seasons of anime or watch a bunch of NBA games. Just set up the video game system or find a addicting computer game and we got entertainment for days. Let's go sneak into a rated R movie and not get busted by the security guards. Let's go to the carnival and ride every ride. Let's go buy clothes we really don't need. Let's talk on the phone and watch an episode of Friends. Let's go for joy rides and hangout at Walmart. Let's watch music videos all night and draw a world we can live in. Let's go eat a box of mochi ice cream and some curly fries. Let's go buy a box of puppies and roll around with them. Let's run away and be young forever, cuz i don't want to grow up.

Eudiamonism: Virtues & Vices

Eudaimonia (εὐδαιμονία) is a greek word commonly translated as happiness or welfare; however, "human flourishing" has been propsed as a more accurate translation. Etymologically, it consists of the words "eu" (good) and "daimon" (spirit). It is a central concept in Aristotelian ethics and political philosophy, along with the terms "arete", most often translated as "virtue" or "excellence", and "phronesis", often translated as "practical or ethical wisdom". In Aristotle's works, eudaimonia was used as the term for the highest human good, and so it is the aim of practical philosophy, including ethics, to consider and to also experience what it really is, and how it can be achieved.


Do you want happiness? Do you want to experience the fruits of the spirit in your life? Do you want to grow in ma-churity? Do you want to be better? and live a higher quality of life? I want to be better. I want to live a better life. I want transformation. Reflecting on virtues and maturity has given me a better perspective of who I want to be. This process of change requires vision, intention and the means. I believe our gracious Father gladly gives us the things we ask for according to his will. The problem is that we don't ask.


Eudiamonism is something i've been thinking about lately. It's a fancy word for describing Christian ethics and morals. When you really think about it, i think it blows your mind. It involves growing in our character. Living out virtues is closely linked to happiness. There's actually experts that study what happiness is. They all agree that self seeking pleasure does not lead to true happiness. In Matt. 5 Jesus says, "blessed are those poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom.. blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled."

World's Apart

Some day you will find me
I haven't gone too far
I miss the way we were back then
How we laughed
I can feel you in my heart

There's a world in your eyes
I can see it getting brighter
All the hours that we turned into days
We were young seemed like life would go on last forever
All I had was you by my side

Some day you will answer
Remember how we were
When all our hopes and dream
Just glided through the air 
I feel it in my heart

I can feel you in my heart
That's the way that it was in the past you remember
When we ran through the winds and the rain
We were young seemed like life would go on last forever
Now everything has changed

Blue Skies  -Blackpool Lights
If ever there was a time
That you would say to me
This fire's burned out
Leaving only smoking black debris
I'd find a light to lead us
I'd find some meaning through it all
We'd search between the shadows 
Cast across this wall

Please don't wait forever
Please don't throw it all away

I'm watching these blue skies turn to grey
And all these friendships fade away

If ever there was a way
That I could say to you
I'm lost in darkness
Searching for a way to make it through
And if this sky does clear up
I hope this wouldn't be the end
It's harder to be honest
Than to just pretend

Please don't wait forever
Please don't throw it all away

I'm watching these blue skies turn to grey 
And all these friendships fade away
These clouded memories are seen through bloodshot eyes
I'm watching these blue skies turn to grey

First Love

"But I have this against you, that you have left your first love. 

Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first" -Rev. 2:4-5

I’m starting to see that I really do need God. “Uhm no duh chris..” I shouldn't rely on others or my own strength to find happiness. This is kinda tricky because when you think about it, our relationships and friendships really do mean everything to us. However, they should never replace our trust in God. I discovered that I intuitively ran to people to sustain me rather than God.

God is my joy. God is my strength. God is my hope. God is my healer. God is my comfort. God is my redeemer. God is my fortress, my shield and hiding place. God forgives all my sins. God loves and accepts me regardless of all my mistakes and failures. God’s grace is free. These are truths i constantly need to remind myself. 

But i haven’t been available to receive these things from Him. Passive apathy is basically being numb to receiving from God. I’ve isolated and withdrawn myself, even from God. . I was probably a little frustrated at God for a while because He seems to like to play hide and seek and doesn't always show up in the way i expect Him to. And because I got tired of seeking, i sought after other things.. We turn to temporary things to distract or escape, but they don't ultimately satisfy. At the core of us, we deeply long for intimacy with God. Withdrawing from community also never helps. 

Knots

Have you ever made a stupid mistake that you can't seem to forgive yourself of? Maybe a bunch of stupid mistakes. Maybe these mistakes affected others and hurt those you cared for the most. I'm filled with guilt and regret. And anger towards myself for my decisions. No matter how much i repent, i don't see how i could ever receive forgiveness and grace. I wish i could wake up and realize it was all just a bad dream and had another chance to make things right. I don't see how we're supposed to just simply move on. Is that really the answer? As difficult as it is to untie knots, eventually they can become untangled and resolved right? I learned that trying to immediately fix things sometimes makes the knot even worst. Maybe it takes waiting for someone else to help.

A Change in Perspective

Sometimes we need to change our perspective. Sometimes I need to change my perspective. I tend to focus on the negatives and be a critical pessimist. In psychology one is taught to analyze, observe, critique, crunch information, and do lots of introspection. In theology one is also taught to spend lots of time in meditation, reflection and to gain knowledge/insight about God and yourself. I spend so much time over thinking. I spend so much of my day weighing options and possible solutions. I do everything i can to make my future certain, and to have the best results. This is part of perfectionism, and trying to make everything in life just the way you want it. I get angry at myself sometimes because i feel like i screw up so much. I hurt people. I say or don't say things. I fall into the same holes. Even when we try to make the best decisions, we'll still make mistakes. Even the best boxer will get knocked in the face and hit the ground. It's not about if you'll get knocked down, it's about whether you have the ability to can get back up and to keep fighting. Giving up, feeling defeated and lying on the ground never gets me anywhere.

Have you ever..

Have you ever found yourself in an unexplainable groove?
Have you ever experienced an unusual phenomenon you can't describe with words?
Have you ever observed yourself changing? Like you felt like you were becoming someone different?
Have you ever found yourself becoming weaker by falling into bad mood slumps?
Have you ever found yourself rise above and become a stronger person?
Have you ever endured excruciating suffering or pain?
Have you ever thought you'd be a horrible word speller without technology?
Have you ever lost something that you didn't realize how valuable it was till it was gone?
Have you ever found something you thought you lost forever?
Have you ever lost an awesome thought and wondered where it went? like the reason why u were about to blog?
Have you ever done something for the first time you thought you could never do?
Have you ever laughed so hard, you collapse to the ground bursting out in laughter and tears?

Stop to Smell the Roses

Do you ever get caught up thinking too much about the "big picture?" i've been so anxious to get somewhere else in the future that i haven't been faithful to the small things in the present. Sometimes my mind gets so worried about the future. I can't help but over analyze everything.

I watched my cousin's 3yr old son have the time of his life with this automatic bubble gun. He couldn't stop laughing and being so amazed at the bubbles. There is joy in simply being.

Then her other 1yr old son went to town on this bottle of milk and began crashing out on me, but i freaked out cuz it felt like his diaper got heavier. and the rule is, if ur holding him last, u change the diaper. so i was tryin to pass him off like a hot potato

It feels a little weird not being able to see all the little ones in my family grow up. I have one cousin who is magically a junior in high school already. and i feel bad cuz i wasn't really there for him since i moved up to CA. it sucks he lives on like the other side of the island, and i don't have a car

awkward

isn't it awkward that some things are only awkward after you say the situation is awkward?

This is probably more common for guys. but sometimes when guys greet each other, say bye, or just finished a pick up game, someone hasta throw everyone off by giving a fist bump pound instead of a quick cool hand shake. So.. ur goin in for a hand shake, then u see the guy reveal a fist.. so you quickly switch to a fist also, but right before u make contact, they switch to an open hand.. and then u just make the most awkward hand covering a fist contact shake, like ur playing rock, paper, scissors. 

merp

Coming up with blog titles is hard. you wanna be creative, original, and have somethin that summarizes it all. but then u realize that u wrote about so many random topics.. should u not have a title? Nonetheless here comes another long blog a blong.. haha so lame

Do u ever catch yourself comparing yourself with your peers? I have a lot of friends that are already set with a full time stable career for life. Sometimes i just wish i was all set up with something secure instead of still being in school. i've been contemplating what I should do for work. I've debated getting a part time job since i make negative income right meow. It'd be nice to have something to keep me busy. However, part of me wants to just wait since I have my whole life to work after i graduate. I wanna have a balanced life, where you can have a good job, make enough mula, and still be happy. I just don't want a job to get in the way of the things that I really enjoy in life.

I was watching house hunters international last night, and it made me realize how am i ever gonna be able to save up all that money to buy a house? How exactly am I gonna make a living? Should I go for more education? A masters in social work or marriage family therapy would overall become a higher salary business. I'd probably be more professional and competent, but it also means more time, energy and debt. I'm thinking of just working after I graduate, and maybe keep another degree as a future option. Trying to create a proposal for a "care ministry" in the church seems like exploring unknown territory. Will I be able to find a full time position? What about pursing teaching at a high school? Hospital chaplaincy? I feel like i'm at a crossroad with so many different paths and opportunity. I just don't know which direction. I was thinking.. for part time, wouldn't it be fun to be a dog walker? but then trying to walk 3+ dogs at once could be pretty chaotic.

I was watching this show called "Shark Tank" and individuals come up to investors and try to proposal their business. They need the finances to propel their innovative product to reach the mass market. Most of their business ideas get shot down. Then i was watchin the Suze Orman show and she's known for being the money finances guru. It's crazy how much i don't know about all the planning that needs to happen to get your future finances organized. It kinda freaks me out. I think i'm just at that age where i really need to start providing for myself, and saving up greens. it kinda sucks how money just runs everything in this world. I wish we didn't hafta worry about these things. Perhaps it's why i often remissness easier childhood days, so much less stress.

One of my fears about staying too long in hawaii over the summer happened yesterday. Since I have no car, I ended up staying on the black hole coach of death. It sucks you in. hours go by. your body gets numb, and you jus do passive activities. It's too comfortable. I realized how much more alive i feel walking outside. I went to the gym today, and it feels s refreshing to enjoy hawaii's greenery. Going for walks makes me appreciate the simple things in life. I need to start turning this summer around besides jus lounging, media, games, eating, sleeping. lol as i sit here on this darn couch. It has been refreshing to see a lot of family members. I think it's funny how the only thing people do now days is eat together. Families should go do more active things. but i guess eating is fun too. it's nice being around family. Sometimes my family seems a little disconnected.. but at the same time it's comforting to surround yourself with people who have always been there in your life.

i starting watching an anime called "Sym-Bionic Titan." only watched the first 3 eps, but it's pretty good. It looks a lot more american than other animes.  Sym bionic titan is about 2 young alien ppl and their robot who disguise themselves as high school students, but have heroic powers. The dialogue has so much unexpected humor and there's lot of action

I also watched two episodes of "Kids on the Slope." It moves a little slow because it's more about developing relational interaction between characters. I think it's good becuz it captures the emotions and pressures we all go through. And people who feel secluded are able to find meaningful friendships.

Lastly i watched a movie called, "The girl who leapt through time."Then the girl who leapt through time movie what sheer genius. You'll probably have more questions than answers, but for the most part you appreciate the story. it makes you wonder what life would be like if you could jus leap through time here and there and have a re-do. How awesome would that be to just freely time travel. But i guess it would come at some expense. I still think it'd be weird if u could time travel and meet your past or future self. I'd probably jus play video games with myself and laugh at my own lame jokes.

Oh and i saw World War Z. Pretty good for a zombie movie. It was missing a few elements towards the end, but overall it was a well made movie. I was hoping for a little more zombie killing action. Good nonetheless.

summer is catch up on media time. even tho the best thing on television is house hunters over summer. lol. oh and malcom in the middle. Chris u have all this talk about bettering yourself and accomplishing things, and then u sit on ur butt and stare at a computer screen for hours.. u lazy butt.

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I was talking to my dad and we talked about how i'm kinda pessimistic. He said, "Some people see the glass as half empty instead of half full. But remember that some people have an empty glass, and others don't even have a glass, they drink out of a muddy puddle." It was a good reminder to be grateful and to look for the bright side of things.

I talked to my old roommate. And he mentioned that people hire personal trainers because they simply can't push themselves to go exercise. And i was like.. "I need a trainer for every aspect of my life." And he wisely said, "Isn't that the Holy Spirit?" Sometimes i forget that God and the fellowship of the church is there to help push me forward. Doing the Christian walk alone is impossible. It's kinda confusing because we shouldn't be so dependent that we can't do anythin on our own, but at the same time we shouldn't be so self reliant that we don't look for others to help support and encourage us.


I went to a funeral for our neighbor next door. They've been neighbors for like 40 yrs. Seeing tons of old folks come to show respect to someone's life was really sad. But funerals are a good reminder to celebrate life, but to also mourn for the effects of sin. Death is a sad reality, but it makes us appreciate that through the resurrection of Christ, there is hope and everlasting life. Sometimes we so easily forget the power of the gospel. Jesus died for your sins, and bared all the wrath that your sins deserved. It's grace upon grace. He not only graciously rescues and delivers us, but sanctifies us and gives us his righteousness, so we can be holy. It makes the Lamb worthy to receive all worship and praise!

The funeral also reminded me that life is short. We should spend and invest our life into the things we value most. We worry about so many different things. And we forget. We forget that this life is just a glimpse of eternity. Our time on earth is temporary and short. This is only 2 seconds compared to our eternity with our perfect God.

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Some of the simplest truths are often the most profound. We sit back and say, "yeah no duh." And yet how often do we forget to apply those truths. In a church I went to. The pastor asked the congregation if anyone would like to pray out loud, and one guy from the crowd said, "God, Thank you for teaching us things we think we already know." That hit me hard since i don't usually value lessons that may seem redundant. How often do we ignore God's loving presence? I realize that i haven't been in sync with God, and usually only turn to Him to help further my own will rather than His will. It's interesting how a few moments of meditation can really syncronize your heart with God's heart. He simply longs for us to enjoy His love. He longs for us to have deep fellowship, communion and peaceful contentment in Him. Shouldn't i desire the same?

In hebrew, "zakar" means to remember. In the OT, God's people would often forget the wonders and works of God in their lives. They would forget how God delivered them and became their refuge. We too forget how God not only saved us, but continues to bless us daily with his sufficient grace. We must "zakar" remember his "hessid" lovingkindess. (that's $3000 and two semesters worth of hebrew application, so drink it down).

He is a personal God who doesn't ever abandon us. Yes, he allows trials and even suffering to discipline and strengthen us. Even though we walk through valleys, God's presence is always with us, even when we don't sense or feel him. I believe God allows us to starve, to become dry, and to grow weary, because then he grows our hunger, thirst and desire for Him. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

Sometimes i even notice myself purposely escaping to other distractions to fill my wandering heart. Sin is an illegitimate way of trying to satisfy a legitimate need. We all crave and long for relational love and intimacy. And yet we often neglect and ignore the one who is love. We find all the ways to justify ourselves with excuses, so we don't hafta change, give up our comforts and repent of our sins. Personally, i think i sin way more out of omission, rather than omission. Passively not taking responsibility of my faith is still sin.

When i was a child, i ate dirt, rocks, soap and anythin i could get my hands on. Those things probably had horrible nutrition. You'd think after the first bite i'd stop.. i was a weird kid. My mom said i once had about 10 rocks in my mouth, lol. The point is that we often feed ourselves unhealthy things. We digest artificial supplements and harmful things that don't satisfy us. God waits and says, "Now aren't you tired of those things? Arn't u tired of eating bad things into your life? Are you ready for real water and food?" When crowds followed Jesus, wanting free wine, fish and bread, Jesus would explain how he is the bread of life and the living water. You see, God waits till we realize that the things we seek in this life don't truly satisfy. He then reveals and offers Himself. He creates a desire to seek after Him so we can find Him as our treasure. He is our reward. Love is passion. A passion for Him. He wants to sharpen our focus, attention and devotion. For He is worthy and His grace is sufficient.

I often fall off the horse and sit there. I sink, drown, and grow accustom to the bottom of the ocean floor. I dwindle into despair, and dark depression. Thoughts, feelings, loneliness, idleness, and apathetic numbness consume me. I search for escapes and magic pills. I muster all my strength to fight the darkness on my own. It isn't nearly enough. I look for things to fill. I grow passive, lifeless. I question where God is. weeks and months go by. I cry and yell for help, God doesn't immediately answer the way I expect. I grow discouraged, so i lie there defeated. God whispers, when you're tired of sitting there and ready to get up, I'll help you walk into the Light. It's not a quick and easy process. It takes one step after the other, actively moving in the right direction.

you ever notice how easy it is to flood thoughts in blogs and journals? It makes u wonder.. how many thoughts and ideas jus simply get forgotten because you never wrote them down. I think losing memories sucks. What if u never had pictures of when you were young? I had an aunt at dinner tell "christopher stories" and i was like.. you could tell me anything i did when i was young and i'd hafta just believe you even tho i was there. She said i stole carrots and bananas and would eat them in the shopping cart, lol.

Losing memories is like faded dreams. I minus well tell my dream i had last night. lol i always ask ppl, I had a crazy dream you wanna hear it?! and who cares if they do or dont.. and then i jus ramble for 4 in a half minutes about random details. i always dream about basketball and food. i couldnt decide if i should eat a turkey or ham croissant sandwich. then i was running from the cops and hid in a bathroom jacuzzi stall. Vince Vaughn broke the door and caught me, so i hadta go to jail. And i was like.. please jus give me a bible so i can read and do push ups. Then i saw an old bully from elementary school in jail and he changed and became really nice. then i went to the mall which turned into my dads house where i saw 4 fat cats sleeping.
a bug keeps flying on my screen. whenever i proof read my blogs i find so many grammatical mistakes.. it bugs me, but im too tired. merp

A Rainy Day

It's been raining the past few days in hawaii. i'm not sure if i like it or not. I like the sound of rain. but i don't like when everything is wet and u can't go out to play. but then it's more cozy and you're tempted to stay inside. I concluded that I like when it drizzles just a little and not when it pours like crazy.

Yesterday i went to the rec center to play ball with a friend. As i was waiting, i ran into another old school friend. It feels weird calling people an acquaintance, but he was more of an acquaintance, lol. i think growing up in hawaii, u get used to calling everyone your friend. We exchanged the common "so what you been up to" questions. And i kept noticing that he kept saying, "yeah, yeah" a lot. It kinda reminds me of my old school teacher friend who says, "so yeah, cool, cool, okay, yeah" after everything you say. Then he doesn't respond with anything else, so now we both just stand there nodding our heads saying, "so yeah, cool, yeah, okay.." I also think it's funny when you're both tryin to come up with conversation questions towards each other and you both interrupt each other saying, "so what you....oh, huh? no you go.." at the same time and then you jus let someone go first. darn you blog tangents..

anyways, it was really nice meeting up with my friend. it was kinda funny since we we're talking about how we'll probably still be hanging out at the rec center another 10 years from now. It's kinda crazy how everyone my age is growing up. Less friends are still in school and more friends are working full time. it's crazy how people are already buying houses, getting married or having kids. I feel like high school wasn't even that long ago.

It was sorta refreshing to be at the first gym i grew up at. Everyone who lives around the area usually just randomly meets at the rec center. I saw all these young guys starting to lift weights, and they reminded me of myself. Usually when you walk in, you instantly run into someone you know. but this time it was weird since i got the random eye contact stares from people i've never seen. That's always awkward, especially when it happens a second time. It's kinda funny cuz both of you are thinking, "why is this guy lookin at me?" maybe i'm jus prone to be socially awkward

then my friend and i both started walking back up the hill since we both live relatively close and we both don't have a car. It made me realize how i really enjoy physical exercise with a friend. it made me feel alive walking up a hill in the rain. Another friend was supposed to pick us up to see world war Z, but then they decided to go to a bar. Sometimes i wish my stomach could handle some alcohol. just because it's a way a lot of my friends socialize. I feel like a kid who's limited to water and sugary fruit drinks. I'm kinda at that age where you're almost supposed to be working. I did beat the elite four in pkmn mmo, which should count for something right?

Then as i'm walkin up to my house, another friend saw me from her garage. She yelled, "chris!" and it kinda surprised me. We exchanged the, "how ya doin" questions. And as i was standing in the rain she asked, "do you want an umbrella?" And i was like, "nah, after your soaking wet you kinda get used to it," as water rolled down my face. Then you realize that you're running out of things to say, so you say, "ok well see ya" and walk off. Then you're instantly reminded of something you should have said or asked. After running into three random friends in one day, it made me realize how all of them looked different. Everyone was getting older and moving on towards bigger things. And maybe how i'm constantly trying to relive my youth. I'm reminded of a song lyric that goes, "we got older, but we're still young." I wanna stay young forever. Getting older just means more responsibility.

I had a conversation with my mom. Somehow the subject of kids came up. And i was like, I don't think i want kids. You know how much work they are?! and she was like, "Yeah tell me about it!" LOL. I was like yeah, "They cost so much money, don't make any money and they just sit around and eat all your food!" and she was like, "Yeah! that's not fair! they eat all your food!" And i was like.. mom don't worry about grandchildren just yet, you normally hafta find someone to marry before u have kids, so u dont hafta worry about it for a long while.

I was cleaning up my garage with my mom today. And we found so many old things. It's interesting how objects have so many memories connected to them. My mom found some old VCR and cassette tapes. I told my mom, there are kids who wouldn't even know what those are. I found my step dad's old pog collection. I even started playin them by myself. Some pogs are still cool looking. But most of them are pretty lame. It's funny how our parents' generation didn't have the internet, smart phones and video games. They had type writers, beepers and pogs, lol. We even found old pictures of our family. It was kinda sad since there's been divorce, and some people passed away. It's also weird looking at high school and college pictures of your parents. Maybe since it's hard picturing what our parents were like when they were young.

I realized that i find myself reminiscing and missing things in the past. I wonder if one day i'll reminisce these days. Sometimes you don't realize how good you had it till it's gone. I think i'm afraid of growing up. afraid of change. afraid to lose friends. And afraid of the unknown future. There's so many unanswered questions. They're primarily about landing a stable life career and what all that looks like. To avoid all these thoughts and fears, i just tell myself to stop dwelling on them so much. "change is a law of life. those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future."-JFK but dwelling on the past and future, can also make u miss the present.

friends

ive been watching the "Friends" marathon on tv for the past few nights. I forgot how awesome this show is. You know when ppl ask you what show u'd wanna be in? it'd be friends. but how akward would it be to have 6 white folks and one strange asian guy. I like how each character has their own unique personality and mannerisms. I also like that no matter how much conflict happens throughout the episode, they're always able to hash things out, see past each others flaws and forgive each other.

It's interesting to see how each character develops and becomes more mature throughout the seasons. I think it'd be so cool to live with friends and always just be together. It's funny how in almost every episode they're just hanging out and don't hafta work. It's interesting to see how the characters kinda hurt each other unintentionally and yet they're also always there to support each other. It kinda reminds me of all the fun summers i had with friends back in high school days. We'd have massive sleep overs for days, play video games, eat tons of food, go to the beach, watch movies and laugh at everything.

I kinda realized that i have a part of ross, chandler and joey's personality in me. i think im like ross since im always over thinking everything, how he freaks out about things, and is kinda socially awkward. then i'm kinda like chandler because i like to poke fun at things, joke around a lot, and be witty. Then i'm like joey since he always jus wants to have fun, and he's a little dumb. i can't believe i'm blogging about this old show.

i wish i could keep friends in pokeballs so i could have them forever and they'd be free to play whenever you want. lol. how fun would it be to go around catching new friends and animals in pokeballs. if u really think about it, it'd suck to be a wild pokemon jus cruising with your family or takin a nap, and then suddenly one day some jerk out of nowhere beats you up and catches you in a ball. Then ur legally bound to serve and obey this master for life! Then he forces you to fight and battle other people against your will and then leaves you in a computer storage all cramped up in a pokeball. In conclusion, catching pkmn is straight up slavery. And you know what's messed up. how come pikachu gets to hang outside with ash all the time, while all the other pkmn hafta suck it up and don't get the same luxury treatment.

I have a few friends that i've been somewhat close with ever since junior high/ high school. But i'm realizing that eventually it becomes very hard to keep in touch with friends. Everyone seems to move away or be so school/career focused. Maintaining strong relationships honestly takes a lot of work. I haven't talked to one of my close childhood friends in like a year, i'm wondering if i'll be able to connect w/him this summer. Making new good friends really isn't that easy. I kinda miss living with a few roommates. Living with one of my closest friends was fun while it lasted. One of my old roommates might actually move in with me for next semester. I'm not sure yet, or if it'll be a good idea. Sometimes it's nice to have your own space.

30 pages!

I spent about 10+ hrs on a 12pg paper on Revelation 5
I finished reading a 200pg book on the four views of Revelation
(I'm adding a fifth view to the book titled.. "Who Cares")
and after 15+ hrs I finished a 18pg paper on critiquing the book
energy drinks basically wrote my paper for me
guhh i still hafta proof read and edit it...

in class just now, there was one dude who mentioned he had 2 kids. another dude was like i got 3 kids, and it's gonna take me about 10yrs to get my doctorate degree. Then another dude was like, i got 2 jobs and 4 kids. One guy was like, "I tell my kids that daddy hasta go to Narnia for a week." LOL And they were jus talkin about how hard it is to spend time with their family, carry jobs, teach in ministry, and be a good student. And i was like.. daaaang.. how do u do all that?? My other friend is a single parent has 2 kids, i know another guy who has 7 kids, and then one professor who has 10 kids. and here i am struggling just focusing on school.. I realized i'm super young. everyone else in Talbot is like late 20's - mid 30's. i'm completely zoning out in class right meow -_-

Back to a Heart of Worship

"What do you do when you fall off the horse? ..fall off the horse.. you get back on! Sorry Morty i'm not a gymnast"  lol i always quote stuff that no one gets.. kinda ruins the fun out of quotes. i miss my old roommate buddy who gets all my quotes and pidgin slang. aight aight aight

The truth is that i've been in a dark slump for a while. i guess i prevented myself from flooding my blog with such depressing moods and whining. but at the same time, it's good to have an outlet to express honest feelings. I've been waiting till i felt more rejuvenated to post something..

well.. right now im in the library. i skipped my 4 hour class this morning so i could work on my 18 page paper. so far i got 5/18 which is some progress. But i'm hoping I can just hammer it all out today. My goal is just completion and not really quality, because as long as I get a C or higher i'll pass with a B in the class. The prof told us that he's gonna cancel this 18pg paper for next semester students, which kinda bummed me out since i was debating if i shoulda waited to take it next semester.

No Shortcuts

I spent the last 4-5 days at Greg's aunty's house. I slept over 3 days. It was a little cramped with 10 people in the house. I shared a bed with greg with josh and joseph also in this tiny room. Surprisingly we were able to cope with only one bathroom. It was nice gettin to share some of our struggles with each other, and to take some time to jus chill. Kris and Melissa are moving to Missouri soon, so I guess we all just wanted to spend as much time together as we could. It kinda felt like another short spring break. It was nice joking around, eating tons of awesome food, playing video games, seeing ironman, eating crepes and going on road trips. I jus wish we worked out more instead of being lazy. I was also really encouraged to see their family pray with each other every night. I think we Christians have somehow lost the value of praying with each other.
 
I talked to greg's aunty for a while. And I got really convicted. I gained a lot of realizations this week. I feel like God is communicating to me through different people. She told me that when I feel alone, isolated, defeated, discouraged and depressed, that I need to rekindle a joy in God. A desire for Him. And this bright joy comes from knowing our identity in Him. It means going back to the center of the Gospel and the power of God's love/grace. I realized that i've been so distant to God because I haven't been prioritizing spending time with God. Go figure. God's presence seems to have withdrawn a little, so it requires me to seek Him in a deeper faith. I realized that quality time with God really comes out from spending quantity time with God. I've been tryin to be relationally intentional with people, but i realized that I also need to be intentional with my relationship with God.
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Jack in the Box

Just got back from a friends house. The four of us got to share our current struggles and relational problems. It was nice to actually pray with each other spontaneously. We were having such a good conversation but I really had to pee. I hate when your in scenarios where you feel like you don't wanna miss anything, and there's also never a good opportunity to get up and use the bathroom.

On my way home around midnight, I stopped at a jack in a box drive thru where a guy in his young twenties came up and asked if i could help him buy some food. I got him a chicken sandwich and a drink. He mentioned that his mom called the cops on him and kicked him out. He said he's been living on the streets for 2 weeks and jus looking for a job. Even though I tend to be a skeptical and cautious around homeless people, this guy seemed authentic. Maybe it's because he asked for food instead of money. Or maybe it was something in his eyes that just screamed for some sort of help.

I asked him if he had any other family or friends he could ask for help. He said no. I asked if he checked any homeless shelters. He said they were too crowded with people. It sounded like he really didn't know what to do. I suggested that he could go ask some churches around the area for help tomorrow since their usually willing to help. I asked for his name and he said Martez or something. I asked if he had a cell phone for some reason. but he didnt. I left him sayin that all he could really do is keep praying and that I hoped everything would work out. I drove home really worryin about the guy. I knew I couldn't put myself at risk by offering him a ride or finding him a place to stay. But a part of me really wanted to just drop everything and make sure this guy would be alright. But i didn't. I jus cleaned my car and couldn't find anything else to give him.

It really bothered me that here I was driving home to take a warm shower and to jump into a warm bed, while he would be out sleeping on the streets. It made me feel sick that I buy so many unnecessary things when he was just grateful for a $2 meal. I just wish i knew what to do or what I could've done.