a healthy pace

i realized that i like to do things fast with just enough efficiency. I wonder why i find myself rushing or taking short cuts. Perhaps i don't like wasted time or doing something longer than it needs to take. But then i realized how sloppy i can get. I find myself impatient, and that means i lack thoroughness. Perhaps im hyperactive. And then on other things i find myself really perfectionist. Usually on things that don't matter.

I've always been a sprinter in most things. I like to get things done quick. Im also an expert at procrastination, lol. Some people do things so slowly, but on the plus side, they tend to have better quality. I guess i was jus thinking about when i rush to get things done, and when i slow down to do things more thoroughly. What are the things i want to invest in and do right?

during grad school i trained myself to read extremely fast, even if i have lower comprehension. When i clean i feel like im in a race jus to get finished. Even during workouts i often catch myself skipping a set or taking shortcuts. My friend would say, "You're only cheating yourself."

Im realizing that life is more of a marathon, that takes a lot of conditioning and daily discipline. There's a time to sprint, a time to run, a time to jog, a time to walk, a time to stand still, and a time to sit. That all sounds too metaphorical. but i guess im starting to become more aware when i need to slow down or speed up.

sometimes i want to rush ahead and get to where i wanna be. Perhaps i have too many ideals and expectations. When i look up to great pastors, counselors and teachers, i place those standards on myself. those high expectations and ideals seem to add unnecessary pressure. I think im afraid to commit to any direction right now, because i want to make sure im making the best decision. Vocationally do i pursue ministry, teaching the youth, or counseling? Then i watch tv shows like shark tank and the profit and think, dang there's a lot of smart ways to make money, which is the best? Then i think, well how do you balance passion and fulfillment with work and income? im over thinking this.

Starting January i'll be taking graduate counseling classes at night. i really really dont want to go back for more school and all that debt. but least its a plan.. sigh idunno what im doing.. I jus registered for a personality class and recognized that I have the same psychology teacher I had from UH. I guess i got a little excited because studying psychology and counseling stuff seems fascinating.

I feel kinda pathetic and embarrassed that i can't be finically secure on my own yet. i look up to my parents who successful and hard workers. I dont know how i became the complete opposite. I think im kinda frustrated that i went to seminary for 4 years jus so i could possibly work at a church part time. You dont even need a degree for that. Surviving in this world is jus too expensive. and it seems difficult to find jus the right job. How do u turn ur passions into a career? I'm realizing that if you're really passionate about something, u really dont need to get paid to do what u love. but heck, i need monies too.

Ok, so here's the stuff i really wanted to actually blog about, lol.

This year i want to find balance. You know ur balanced when ur at peace. whenever i walk and hit a wall by accident in the house, my mom yells out, "it's cause you're not centered!" When we're off balanced in life, it may be because we're not grounded and rooted on Christ the Rock as our foundation. We're too busy tryin to get things done on ourselves. Change, growth, and transformation apart from the love of God is reduced to behavioral modification and self help. Sanctification is where we partner with the Holy Spirit to repent of our sins, surrender our past mistakes and put on an armor of righteousness and faith.

When im moving too fast i get burnt out and jus crash out of control. But when im too slow i find myself inactive, lazy and not very productive. This year i want to be balanced and healthy in all areas of life. I want to grow in character and maturity. I want to be content even if im not exactly where i'd hope to be. So this year, im not gonna under or overwork myself, but find a healthy pace. I think change is hard when we've grown accustomed to our comfort zone. but i noticed that once we get in the groove of healthy habits it becomes easier and something we dont need to force ourselves to do.

My favorite pastor is John Piper. His hero, well besides (Jesus, and then Paul) is Jonathan Edwards, And even though he lived back in the 1700's, he has also inspired me. He had 70 resolves that he was very adamant about pursuing daily. It wasn't necessarily his list of resolves, but rather his pursuit for righteousness. Being resolved means being firm, focused, determined, committed, uncompromising, unwavering, with the intent to accomplish one's goals. This is a constant daily pursuit. It usually means sacrifice and willingness to even suffer because its worth the reward.

Edwards wanted to be the best he could possibly be. Im not saying we all turn into perfectionist. I'm saying we should use our potential. Why not be the best Chris i can be? A Chris who is better, stronger, wiser, healthier, patient,  and more compassionate? Why not be entirely who God called us to be? Why not fight our struggles head on and overcome the things that hold us back? i think God gives us the Holy Spirit to empower and enable us to do those things. Why not seek to glorify God in even the smallest of tasks and decisions? Yeah, there will always be a gap between our ideal self and our real self, but i guess that's why we're a growing work in progress.

I keep needing to remind myself that God is really jus concerned with our heart. We dont need to do anything to try and gain his approval or acceptance. Rather spending time at his feet, listening, and abiding in Him seems much more meaningful.

1 Cor. 15:58 "Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord."

Acts 20:24 "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace."

New Year's Resolution

im always last minute wrapping gifts for a christmas party. i work so much better under pressure. my dad got me an ipad air. i dont think ill use it much, but we'll see. and i also got a hydro flask thing. And my dad is like, "i don't get it, it's not like they invented the thermos." lol.  I think it's interesting how u can know ur family members for ur entire life, and yet learn something new and interesting about them. May sound strange, but lately ive really admired my parents. They're such good parents.  They're relational, considerate, and hard workers. I don't nearly express enough appreciation.

in the past few days i heard two little girls sing a christmas song, My neighbor's daughter yelling Jingle Bells, and another girl singing Oh come all ye faithful. there's something about christmas songs that jus makes ya jolly and joyful. Do those adjectives mean the same thing? For christmas i jus gave my little cousin tickles and cuddles lol. And she tried to give me kisses and tackles which i usually need to fight off. music and little happy kids are great.

i already came up with my new years resolutions. sure i make similar resolves every year, and tend to fail by February. but hey least it's a step in the right direction. the reason most ppl dont follow through with their goals is the lack of discipline, accountability, motivation, not really wanting to change, or their goal isnt specific enough, or it's just too drastic of a change.. Most resolves if u think about it are all connected to health. so i came up with one resolution that holistically encompasses the physical, emotional/ mental and spiritual aspects of health.

im only gonna have one new years resolution. and im gonna do my best to hold myself to it. My new year's resolution is to exercise/ or go for a jog/walk at least four times a week. At first i thought daily, but that jus aint gonna happen. if i dont make it to the gym, at bare minimum, i need to go for a walk, it's really not that hard chris. it doesnt even take that long. i dont care if its too dark or late. i dont care if u feel lazy or wanna nap. i dont care if its hot or cold. ur excuses suck. mm.. but if it's pouring rain ur exempt. lol. dear God. pls make my mom let me buy a dog to walk with this year.

the old married couple i used to live with for a while used to go walking for a few miles every morning. and they're 80! and then they'd listen to the audio bible while eating their delicious cooked breakfast every morning. talk about healthy habits.

Here's why even taking a 30 minute music walk can help our health. 1) Going to the gym to exercise or going for a jog around the neighborhood is obviously great for physical health. And for the most part i think i eat pretty healthy, i think? 2) It's good for emotional health and probably one of the best ways to relieve stress. If u have a mental job u need a physical hobby outlet and vise versa. 3) exercise is somehow correlated to spiritual health somehow. It triggers meditation, prayer, and at least for me it's so much easier to connect with God. and 4) relational health if i had friends

When i go for a jog, which eventually turns into a walk, I go to my favorite place in the world. it's jus an average park. but it's much more than that. There's only one big tree, a baseball field, and a scenery that looks over all the city lights, pearl harbor, and i can usually catch the sun setting behind the west side mountains. All that's missing is a bunch of puppies to roll around with in the grassy field. There's jus something so soothing and calming about that park. It's where i find the most peace.

My friend always says, "Stay with God." And i kept thinking about what that meant. Staying, being, not removing from, belonging, dwelling, waiting, abiding, remaining and just enjoying the presence of God. "Remain in me, as i also remain in you." - John 15:4  I always saw "devotional time" as reading scriptchur or a devotional book. but no. simply offering your heart and being with God is devotion.

At any moment, anywhere, you can be with God. You dont need to be in deep prayer or reading the bible in church. You can be with God no matter what you're doing throughout the day. And sometimes exercise helps clear out things that may be distracting your mind. And when ur body is pooped out because u did too many squats and lunges, sometimes it makes it easier to commune with our loving God. i dunno why, it jus is. so chris. workout / exercise at least 4 times a week. do it. 

miss the cold

i miss the cold weather because it makes me appreciate warm blankets and warm showers even more. And whoever came up with butt seat warmers in your car is a genius. I can finally make use of all the warm clothes i had hidden away. i forgot how much i miss wearing layers of warm clothes. long sleeves, jackets, sweaters, long pants, pajamas, and don't forget long socks! ah so comfortable. Winter is also the best time for hot chocolate with marshmallows. it never really gets too cold in hawaii, so this is kinda nice. now i miss the snow too. now i feel like a girly man blogging about the weather. gonna go do man stuff lol

wonderment

there's something about wonder and amazement that's connected with joy.
 Have you ever experienced something so simple, yet you found yourself overwhelmed and delighted with joy? i cant quite explain it. Today was jus full of wonder and joy. It's like being able to dance even when theres no music playing. I found happiness in laughter and humor. I was crackin up at a tv show called Brooklyn Nine-Nine, i jus couldnt stop laughing. so silly.

I found contentment, bliss, and peace, but im not exactly sure how. I found pleasure through friendships and simple conversations. I saw pure beauty through nature and animals, (lol mainly my sleeping cat). I tasted awesome food that makes u take a second to appreciate life itself. seriously, like.. awesome food is concrete evidence for the existence of God lol. now that i think about it.. our greatest joy and happiness comes from God. but sometimes we forget to acknowledge that he's the giver of these blessings.

I'm not quite sure why im analyzing and observing my emotions today. it's probably because im not used to feeling this happy very often. Perhaps i just got used to living with all my negative emotions and thoughts. I think it's kinda interesting how we dont really have much control over our thoughts and emotions. With our limited control, how can we direct our thoughts on higher things, spiritual things, positive things? How can we conform our will and emotions to God's heart and desires? Sanctification is growing in the likeness of Christ, and in order to become more Christ-like we must feel the same way God feels. a deep compassion for people, a hatred for sin, and a desire for his glory.

God is love. When we receive this love it drives out our fears, anxieties and worries. there's just this abundant joy that comes from being with him and spending your day with him. I learned to see others how God sees them. But today i learned to see myself the way God sees me. You learn to love yourself. You learn to have grace and forgiveness for yourself.

I realized that the people i enjoy the most, are the ones where we don't even need to talk. Does that make sense? Like.. sometimes it's jus nice to spend a full minute enjoying the moment and the presence of another.

It's amazing how a song can uplift your spirits too. i think we easily get distracted by technology and trying to get things accomplished that we often miss to see the beauty in small things. today i jus blocked out all the negative anxiety, problems and worries about life. i think i spend way too much energy worrying about illegitimate fears. i started thinking. is it possible to find joy and wonder in everything? i think when we have a perspective of gratitude and contentment, we find joy and peace. And in the midst of that, we find God as the source and giver of those virtues.

i think i consider myself very child like because i really enjoy playing and creating. Sometimes i like to play so much that i completely avoid any form of work lol. but if u observe children, they find joy and laughter in the most simplest of things. They dont worry about the past or the future, they simply enjoy the present.

I found myself unable to stop smiling a few times today. sounds kinda obvious but, it feels good to be happy. It's amazing how contagious happiness and joy can be. A candle loses nothing by lighting another. When we're deeply satisfied in and with God, our heart automatically desires to worship and praise him. I noticed that i never intend to blog about God or spiritual things, but usually end up going that way. I'm wondering if everything good in our lives ultimately derives from God. I think that statement would be true. 

we really are our own worst critic. I think im starting to change my view of myself. Im starting to kill any negative self talk towards myself. I know i can usually be very pessimistic and pick at all the negatives. I can easily point out all my flaws within myself. But someone reminded me today that im perfectly incomplete. We're all a work in progress, and God accepts us and loves us because we're his.

i know these lessons kinda sound no brainer, but theyre things i need to relearn. I normally try so hard to fix all my insecurities and issues. I become obsessed with sanctification and trying to overcome discouragement. I have so many resolves, ideals and high expectations for myself that it causes morbidity. So.. instead of tryin so hard to fix myself, i must relearn to simply receive from God. And it is the power of God's love that changes, transforms, restores and heals us.

Instead of seeing the world in black and greys, i think God can give us supernatural sight to see an entirely different world filled with bright colors. Sometimes i can see beyond this physical world. I feel like i can see the invisible and metaphysical at times. And it's there i find wonderment.

Process of Decision Making / Vocation

Lately i've been thinking a lot about how we make decisions. If you're anything like me, making decisions can be a headache. I over analyze, over think, over critique and over reflect. hence why i write such long blogs XD. Instead of over thinking, u could call it regret or worry. I realized that maybe it's best to not think so much lol.

One of the most common questions i hear peers ask is, "What am I going do with my life?" We have so many different opportunities and options to pursue whatever we want. But how do you really pick a vocation and path that's right for you? After a few months into a job i kinda jus get really tired of it. How can i find something that I want to stick to? Sometimes i get so concerned with "What do I want to do?" that i completely forget to ask, "What is God's will for me?" Two quick lessons i learned is
1) It's okay to not have everything figured out, things will be alright 2) Things don't always go the way you expect, but God is still sovereign.

Out of all the jobs and ways of making money in the world, what's the most efficient? I'm sure there's gotta be something creative that fits me just right. Speaking of money, i really need to make better decisions with how to manage money. The older i get, the more I see how difficult it is to manage money. It's easy to spend and so hard to invest and save. And i can't jus keep turning to my parents for help. I need to start self-motivating myself to accomplish handling responsibilities on my own. ive ran and avoided adulthood for as long as possible, but guess it's time to start facing it head on.

In terms of vocation, maybe we're not meant to be stuck doing just one career path. Some will say follow your passion, others will say follow the money. I say, follow God. I noticed following God usually means the more challenging path that isn't so straight forward. And even more importantly then where we're going, we ought to ask, "Who do I want to become?" The journey and who we are in the process may actually be more important then just getting to a certain destination.

In America we're given the luxury and freedom to choose what we would want to do with our life. Compared to the past, most people would grow up just having to become farmers. I've been a little stuck with finding exactly what I want to do. I find myself in the middle of a crossroad, lol or more like treading water in a dark scary ocean. I know i'm not the only one with irrational fears of sharks, esp when ur in a swimming pool lol. How do you harmonize serving and doing ministry for God's kingdom and at the same time, making a living to survive?

I noticed that i really want to pursue a job that feels fulfilling, and that actually makes a difference in helping people grow or learn. If it's stressful and not fulfilling, the pay better be hella good lol. I also like working with kids because their laughter is a joy. There's something about kids that just make me come alive. Perhaps it's because i'm still childish and immachur.

For a long time I thought i was supposed to be a pastor, and I believe that's still true. However, I learned that a "pastor" isn't just the guy who preaches on Sunday morning. Rather a "pastor" can be a shepherd who cares for people and proclaims the gospel. So really, just because you're trained to do ministry, it doesn't mean you need to work at a church. In fact, i believe Christians can do ministry in the everyday workplace. Ministry is not bound to bible studies and church outreaches. Ministry can really be defined as compassion. The love of God and the compassion for others is what really brings about change and transformation. All that was completely off topic.

I'm applying to more grad school after 20yrs of education. -_- It's to pursue a Marriage and Family Therapy degree. It's actually called Master of Science in Counseling Psychology, which sounds really weird lol. I got an interview next week, so hopefully i get accepted. I guess it'll help train and license me to become a better counselor.  In terms of counseling, I strongly believe that Christian therapist need to integrate both Theology and Psychology. But that's an entirely different topic.

I really wanted to talk about how indecisive I can be, and how I'm learning to be more confident in the my decisions. I developed perfectionism from both my parents. I can be a discouraged perfectionist, because I know i can't be perfect, and can't do everything right no matter how hard i try. And it means i'm critical of failure. However, making mistakes is part of the learning process. Perhaps this is why I constantly need to receive God's grace for myself. constantly.. again and again and again.

I've been playing a few games of chess everyday against a really smart friend. He's one of those guys that just seems so intimidating and impressive because he's speech, knowledge and IQ are on a different level. Surprisingly I haven't been able to beat him in chess. I thought i pretty much mastered that strategy game. Last night i was so close to winning, like super close. But then i made a stupid stupid decision and ended up losing. The reason I bring this up is because I believe chess relates to how we go about making decisions.

For big important decisions, Time is a big factor. When there's a clock and time limit, we're much more prone to make foolish rash decisions. The reason time is important in making decisions is because it gives us a moment to analyze and weigh the pros and cons of all our options. In the decision making processes, I was taught to 1) Seek God's word, will and way, 2) Seek wise counsel, 3) Meditation through prayer and contemplation.

 Sometimes God doesn't give us the exact details of his future plans. In fact that's kinda rare. But we get a better vision of his plans when we draw close to him. Sometimes the time of not knowing, is where God may want us. Because in that time, he is after our heart, he calls us towards deeper relationship with him, and challenges us to grow in faith/ trust / dependency on him. However, eventually we need to take a cut off turn and make our best God honoring decision even if we don't know if it's God's perfect will.

There's a verse in Romans 12:2 that says something like, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is, his good, pleasing and perfect will." I read that verse every time before i start my car. i keep pondering what it really means to "renew your mind." I think it has something to do with constantly refreshing our thoughts and desires towards God's will.

We've all made bad decisions, and sometimes it's best to learn from it, let it go and just move on. Stop looking back and look forward. The reason I get paralyzed when trying to make decisions is because I've often made horrible ones. And consequences to bad decisions can be severe. Sometimes the fear of making a wrong choice disables us from making any decision. My mom likes to watch the Suze Orman show, who's a finical advisor. She always signs off saying, "And folks, Remember.. People first, then money, then things." And if I could add to it, i would say God first. But i think she's right, that although decisions with money can be costly, making bad decisions with relationships is far more worse.

The concept of morality also comes into play with decisions because ethically we usually know right from wrong, and still often choose to do the wrong. When we're about to make a sinful choice, we ought to learn to take a moment to renew/ refresh our mind and align our desires with God's will.

Perhaps the toughest question and decision to make is, "Where do you want to go eat?" "i dunno, you choose."

Forgiveness

for some reason ive been thinking a lot about the concept of forgiveness. We all sin, and sometimes we often hurt and sin against those we care about most. Then we experience guilt and shame cuz we know we've screwed up. I think we've all made a mistake that greatly damaged a friendship. But im realizing that there's a lot we can learn from it. We're able to learn how to rightly treat others better. If we really have remorse for our wrongs, it can actually increase our morality and integrity if we're intentional about not making the same mistakes. Perhaps next time we'll make wiser decisions, or resist a temptation. sounds cliche, but there's a lot to learn from our mistakes.

Colossians 3:13 says to, "Forigve as the Lord forgave you." This verse has kept in my mind all year. Other translations include "Bear with one another" or "make allowance for each other's faults." Bible narratives like David forgiving Saul, Esau forgiving Jacob, the woman caught in adultery, Peter betraying Jesus and repenting, and the prodigal son come to mind. Throughout scriptchur we see a theme of forgiveness and examples of God's grace. As Christians, the reason we're able to forgive and offer grace to others should be because we ourselves have received such grace and forgiveness.

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "How many times should I forgive my brother or sister who sin against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy time seven." Jesus kinda confuses me sometimes. but basically i think he's saying a whole darn lot.

When i think of forgiveness i also think of my old cat Snowball. I got really mad at him cuz he bit me. So i smacked him on the butt and pointed my finger at him and said, "NO! Bad kitty!" lol he was such a trouble maker. His ears went down and he gave a grouchy face. I felt horrible i hit him so hard. he just ran away. but then like a minute later he walks back into my room as if nothing happened. I was shocked because i just hurt him, and he forgave me so quickly. it's like he jus forgot about it, or jus wanted to repair friendship. i learned that day, to not hold grudges for too long. why hold unforgiveness? it does no one any good.

The reason ive been thinkin about forgiveness so much is because i had a few experiences these past few months where a good friend lied to me. He continued to lie to me, and i continued to forgive him again and again. I was obviously upset, but God kept convicting me to just let it go. I figured it was better to jus forgive then throw away the entire friendship. I think strong friendships aren't jus the ones that don't have much conflict, but those that are able to overcome and repair when there is conflict.

I had another example where a friend wronged me, and did things to break my trust. I even apologized even when i feel like i didnt do anything wrong.. She didnt talk to me for months, and then suddenly she talked to me recently telling me i was right and she was wrong and shoulda listened to what i was trying to tell her. It was refreshing to gain a friend back. sometimes u dont know how much u miss someone till u start talkin to them again...

There were times in both scenarios where i was tempted to get even, or get revenge. And i easily could have, but i chose not to. Hebrews 12:14 says, "Make every effort to live in peace with all men.. etc" and the bible is clear about not repaying evil with evil. Forgiveness liberates the forgiver. Instead of holding in resentment and anger we can experience peace when we forgive. I think when we also forgive ourselves we experience a peace with ourselves.

 Just because you forgive someone it doesnt mean u hafta be best friends. Of course the friendship and trust was damaged, but i believe no mater how far off or how bad things got, restoring a friendship is still possible. Gaining trust and starting over is always possible because God is a God of fresh new starts and new beginnings. He gives us second, third and millionth chances.

 When God forgives us it's like our sins are completely cleared. Like we sin right in the face of God, and yet because of Christ we can come directly to God and not fear condemnation. i think thats pretty awesome. So instead of hiding our sins in the dark, it's better to confess them and bring them to God in the light. There's jus something really restorative and healing about God's grace/ forgiveness.

I found it kind of confusing why i cared to respond in forgiveness and love when someone pissed me off so much. Perhaps its because losing a friend is just much more painful. When you really love someone, it means you want the God's best and God's will for them. To love someone, means u want them to be close with God and for them to be immersed in God's love.

 Ive been pondering what it really means to love someone unconditionally. Like there are times when God's love and blessings are based on condition, there's examples of that in scripture. However, God's love for us is also very unconditional and not based on anything we do. How can we love not based on appearances, performance, background, behavior, etc etc?

 I think receiving God's love for us, helps us to love the way God loves people. My old professor once gave an example of a married couple on the verge of divorce. They said there was nothing attractive they found about the other, nothing appealing or good they saw. The counselor then responded, "Well then now you can truly learn to love unconditionally." In the same way, God loves and accepts us because we are simply his.

Some of the most lonely people, understand the great value of friendship. Mainly because they know what it's like to not have any real close friends. My dad once told me.. One good friend, can make all the difference. Sometimes it takes us to lose friends to actually appreciate how important friendships really are. I still have some broken friendships, but i do truly believe that they can still be restored.  But it'll definitely take God's help. I , time and very small steps.

 "Accept how things are, Let go of what was, and have faith for what will be." Instead of dwelling on the unchangeable pass, or feeling discontent/discouraged with the present, we can have hope by trusting that God's love is the power for us to change. There's no time machine to go back and change the past. but i still have the opportunity to work on myself today and be who Christ calls me to be.

Im learning to fight for the people i care about. im learning when to give space, when to communicate and when to apologize when im wrong. Im learning to forgive, to repent, and to pray for others. And in all circumstances we should give thanks to God, and give praise to God. Praise God even when we're suffering. Praise God even if things dont go as we planned. Praise God because he's worthy of all the glory.

quick tangent. i got to talk to two close friends today that i havnt really kept in touch with. and idk.. theres jus some friends that jus restore good health jus by being them. i think a common trait i see in all my closest friends is that they're all very others' minded, relational and pretty intelligent. good friends challenge u to be your best.

mm.. kinda off topic.. but i met a high school kid yesterday. And i was just really impressed with his manners and empathy towards others. He seemed very mature, and really grateful for everything. i cant really explain it. He was a good listener, and conservationist. I mean.. u ever randomly meet someone and u jus observe how they interact with others, and theres jus somethin about them that makes you want to copy their good attributes? I think i need to be a little more confident in myself and learn to show more genuine interest in others. I usually just cross my arms and be a shy asian kid.

mmm.. So.. i realized that.. thinking i need to have my entire life together by now jus paralyzes me. I think about work, or the future, and money and i jus start freaking out too much. It's okay to not be where u thought u'd be. It's okay to not have everything exactly figured out. It's better to wait patiently and listen for God's sovereign direction.

lately ive been thinking.. what should i dedicate my life to? and the idea of Christian counseling keeps coming up first. i ask myself, how can i be used for God's glory the most. and instead of preaching, i think counseling actually helps people at a deeper level. When u think about it, we're all basket cases, we all have a bunch of issues that we struggle with. And wouldn't we all benefit from a good christian counselor who comes along side us to support us? A good christian counselor listens well to others, shows compassion, and directs them to how God can help bring about change, restoration and healing.

i was gonna write something about how i miss having that crazy intense passion and joy for God. like where did it all go? When i was younger, i think i was much more passionate. Now that im gettin older, i feel consumed with adulthood worries and responsibilities. And then i over think everything and get anxious about the future. Sometimes i consciously have to tell myself to not think about it all. I think when we're most full of joy for God, we're most passionate to seem him glorified. And the closer we come to the Father, the closer we see his plans for us. sometimes i blog, and my brain becomes all sore and then my words jus dont make sense cuz im too tired..

Total Depravity

Total Depravity basically means every aspect of man is tainted and inclined to sin apart from the work of Christ. Sometimes the bible describes this as the "flesh" or being born into a sinful nature. Total depravity doesn't mean we are sinful as we can be. It means our emotions, thoughts, and desires are corrupted by sin. Apart from Christ even our greatest works are like dirty rags. Apart from giving glory to Christ, our "good works" can have alternative motives or intentions to bring glory to ourselves. Even as Christians, we often rob God of his glory by trying to attract glory to ourselves.

The reason I bring this up is because i met with a pastor who eloquently described the gospel in a way i haven't really heard before. We always focus on seeing the glory of God's work on the cross. We see his sovereignty, grace, and forgiveness poured out on his people. However sometimes we miss to see the depravity of our human nature. Isaiah saw God in all his glory and saw the angels worshiping him singing, "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord Almighty." Isaiah then falls on his face and cries, "Woe is me, I am ruined. I am a man of unclean lips.." In the instance of seeing God in his holiness, he sees how unworthy, guilty and sinful he is. But an angel tells him that his guilt is taken away and his sin is atoned for.

The point is when we see a fuller image of God and his righteousness, we inevitably see our corrupt sinful nature. We begin to  hate our sin. It causes us to have less dependency on our human strength and less confidence in human pride. When we see that we are dead in our sin, unable to do anything good apart from God, it causes us to trust in God's power and grace. The higher we view God and the lower we see any good within ourselves the bigger we see the cross that bridges us.

The Gospel of God's grace is not just a means unto salvation and justification. The Gospel of God's grace is something that we ought to depend on daily for our spiritual sanctification and growth. Our relationship with God is only possible by the atonement of Christ. He enables us to grow in holiness. He gives us a new heart and a new nature. We are no longer a slave to sin, but become slaves to righteousness. The more Christ-like we become the more our nature desires to worship God.

Apart from the vine we can do nothing. If you look at the parable of the prodigal son, the parable is directed to the pharisees and the religious leaders. The second brother was doing things to try and earn his worth from the Father. He felt that his hard work should be paid back from the Father. Instead the Father shows mercy on the son who repented of his foolish ways. In a sense, we are like that second brother who try to do good on our own strength. Often we depend on ourselves rather then trusting in God in order to look good, impress others or bring glory to ourselves. I once heard a friend say, "You know why I think the bible is true? Because if this was fabricated by man then they would have elevated man. Rather they elevated Jesus, and write how stupid, clueless and sinful they are."

When we see the sovereignty and holiness of God and see our total depravity, we shouldn't wallow in despair and condemn ourselves for all our past mistakes. Rather we should trust in the work of Christ. He has forgiven us and absorbed all the wrath our sins deserve. In hearing this good news, we are responsible to respond in faith and in repentance.

The Source
God is the source of all that is good. He replenishes and restores us. I think of how God provided manna for the Israelites. In the same sense, he is our portion and our daily bread. He is the fountain that satisfies us with everlasting water. He overflows our cup with joy. He is the source of true peace, wisdom and power. In Him, we find freedom and contentment. He is a God who heals and comforts. He strengthens and empowers us by His Spirit. He disciplines those he loves. He is the source of all that is good.

Overflow Conference

Have you ever heard the question.. "If you could meet one person on this planet that's alive today, who would you want to meet?" My answer has always been John Piper. He's played a huge influence on me. Even if it was just listening to his sermons and reading his books. He's such a strong and wise preacher. He has solid theology, preaches with conviction and passion, and is just all about the gospel. anyways, at the overflow conference i finally got to meet him. it was a blasty blast.

The theme of the conference was "Overflow." Piper explained that the love within the three members of the trinity is so complete, divine and full, that it overflows onto all of creation. And when our cup is full and satisfied in his love, we too overflow God's love to others. Something like that.. lol. One of John Pipers famous quotes is, "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." When we are content and full of his joy, the Holy Spirit puts us on worship mode. He receives all the praise when we delight in Him. If you've ever been overwhelmed with love before, you know that it's uncontainable and contagious. You can't help but smile and praise God for his amazing grace.

One thing Piper mentioned that stuck out to me was when he said, "God's glory is manifested in his grace, and his grace is manifested in Jesus Christ." The message of the gospel is the ultimate display of God's love. He redeemed his people from this bondage of sin. We were powerless to save ourselves, we were all corrupt and basically damned in our sin. But God paid our debt in full. He is rich in mercy and grace and covers all our sins. The gospel isnt just a means to receive forgiveness and go to heaven. The gospel of his grace gives us the power to be sanctified as well. He transforms us, disciplines us, convicts us of sin, and strengthens us through trials. And even in the midst of suffering God's grace is sufficient.

After the conference i got to actually meet him. i was such a giggly groupie fan boy. I finally got to meet my favorite preacher on this planet. guess i can check that off the list. i gave him a hug, and then i asked him a theological question that was on my mind. I asked him, "how come i can sense God the father when i pray and receive his love, and i can sense the Holy Spirit convicting me of sin, etc, but i can't really sense Jesus within the Trinity?" He responded, "Well when you pray in Jesus name, Jesus and the Father are One. Jesus is the power that allows us to pray and commune with the Father. So when you sense one, Jesus is there too.." then he was like, okay theres a bunch of other ppl, so i then i left. lol

3 Hobbies

Find three hobbies you love: One to make you money, one to keep you in shape, one to be creative.

Relearning

Sometimes.. God teaches us things we think we already knew

..

1) Gratitude
stop being so pessimistic, life is good, enjoy it. disappointments are inevitable, discouragement is a choice. how are u being? how are u feeling throughout most of your day/ week? Bring those negative emotions, thoughts, worries, anxieties, fears, before God. Sometimes we miss how much God has blessed us. If we spend a second to think about it, we have much to be thankful for.

2) Blessed are the poor in spirit
We need God, we're weak and can't do anything apart from him. We need to humble ourselves and come to a place of repentance. Feeling lost, confused and unsure about where you're heading in life? That's okay. It leaves us in a place of dependence on Him.. Not knowing requires us to Trust. Over the past 3 months i memorized like 3 bible verses. lol i know it's not much. i think im starting to understand what it means to fully digest God's word. To meditate, process and apply it to our lives. It's yummy.

3) Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Sometimes we forget to forgive ourselves. We condemn ourselves for our mistakes and failures. God died for our sins hello. Not receiving God's grace, is denying that Jesus' death and atonement is not worthy to pay for our sins. God forgives all of our sins, if we repent and believe. When we really absorb the truth and unconditional love has poured on us, we have the strength and ability to forgive others as well. Forgiving actually liberates the forgiver.

4) Healing
This relates to trust again too. Sometimes we don't even invite or ask God to heal us of our physical, emotional and relational wounds. God can heal us, he takes care of his children. And if he doesn't he can use suffering, trials, pain, and negative events for something good. Detatch from worldy addictions and distractions we use to cope. Turn the smart phone off, Spend some time to actually meditate. Simply be present with God.. How much more enriching is spending a few moments with God? We have direct availability to the Almighty God, and King of the universe. Ultimately he is the only one who can truly satisfy our souls.

5) Stewardship
I met with a finical adviser, doctor and pastor within this past week. We need to seek wise counsel. We need to be good stewards of our money, time, and bodies. Chris-san.. Be Wise With Your Money! Stop spending it on stupid stuff! Be Asian and SAVE! We also need to take better care of ourselves holistically. dudes.. dudettes.. theres some sort of correlation between physical exercise/ nutrition and our emotional, spiritual, relational health. like there all somehow connected.. somehow.. So workout like a beast! lol.. I almost always learn somethin by going to the gym/ taking a walk. if not, then u get ripped anyway haha

6) Community
take care of ur relational health and talk to friends/ church small group members, it's refreshing, restoring and good for ur health. dont withdraw from community, jus dont do it. Many single ppl are desperate for a bf/ gf as if that one person will solve all our emotional needs. Noope. It's a sign that we need to connect to more healthy/ godly friendships with Christian brothers and sisters imo. Would you benefit being in a group of believers who actually cared to pray for you weekly? In the same way, be that supporting light for others.

7) The Art of Listening
People dont listen well anymore. Focus on intentionally listening and actively showing empathy/ compassion. Dont necessarily try to fix ppl. direct them to God. Show interest, concern. Offer patience, and the love of Christ. I know that all sounds simple and cheesy, but there are a lot of troubled and hurting ppl out there. One way to express the love of Christ is to take the time to really listen to others.

8) Clean Your Room

9) Listen to Awesome Music

10) Be Committed to Your Goals

Things to Remember

Sometimes i forget who i am. I forget where im going. Life is confusing when you dont remember who you are. Usually this is correlated with losing your sense of purpose. Sometimes i find myself really unhappy. I find myself angry for not being who i want to be. I allow too many thoughts and emotions to overwhelm me and i just freak out over something small. Future chris if you ever start freaking out again, just read this blog and remember who you are.

Resolves

i learned a lot today.. i could probably condense this, but owell..

 lessons i need to learn and remember

Healing

i feel extremely happy, blessed and a little energetic. This blog is about how God's grace has offered me healing lately. I hope you can experience how incredible his grace is too, no matter where you are in your walk with God. The simple truth is that God loves us so much.. he loves, loves, loves us. and that's something that we cannot forget.

123

Hey God,

im burnt out. teaching is kinda fun and fulfilling, but it's also a little overwhelming. i dont get how ppl are supposed to work full time for life. i dont get why it's so expensive to survive. i have so much stuff to pay off and i hate being consumed thinking about money or the lack there of. I know u said first seek your kingdom and all these things will be added unto you. I mean.. i get.. im supposed to put u first and trust you. but honestly, im having a hard time with that. im not sure what im supposed to do anymore. I feel like you haven't given me much direction lately. Can u like send me an email please. i dont know which way to go. So im jus treading water trying to wait for some big epiphany. I don't think i can live very long by doing just any job that doesn't seem fulfilling, or is too stressful. it sucks the life out of me and makes me physically ill. anyways.. please help me find something i enjoy, honors you, helps others,  pays the bills and wont kill me.

Father God,
Sometimes i still find myself searching for my identity. I thought i knew myself well before, and well lately i don't really like the person i am. I know ultimately my identity is in you. Sometimes i feel like i just lose conviction. Most days i forget to include you or don't really "live" for you. I pray for your will to be done, but i still need to grow more in faith i guess. i love when i get to spend quality time with you. Sometimes it doesnt seem easy with everything so distracting. i feel like my selfishness is my greatest idol. i want to love and obey you. i want to grow in my desire to minister and help others. help me to trust and abide in you daily.. you're my daily bread, and it's you that truly satisfies.

Thank you for reminding me that you are always sovereign and always in control. You work all things for the good of those who love you. So please refine and strengthen me. Use me for your will. Use me to minister to others and to share your love. Overflow me with your love that i cant contain it. sometimes i trip out when i think about how.. responsible and awesome you are. I mean.. u like never screw up, and do everything right.. sometimes u seem really mysterious and so metaphysical. and other times you feel so present and so alive and empowering. im glad ur always sovereign. i wish my faith was more consistent and not based on jus how i feel. help me to be more disciplined, like way more disciplined. uhh help me to be purposeful and not grow lukewarm. may u be the center of my life. synchronize my heart with yours so i can receive all that you give. oh and please heal me from any pain i still lug around. pls heal my mom cuz shes sick. help me to be a better son. help me to be more others minded.

God, I pray that this week i'd find all my delight in you. You're my treasure and my deepest joy, help me not to forget that. Teach me the things i think i already know.  Remind me that you're my first love. Nothing can separate me from your love. How wide, how long, how high, how deep is your love? you never stop loving me, even in my sin Lord. Your grace is just mind blowing. i dont deserve it. there's nothing greater than just spending time with you, and yet i wonder why my heart is so prone to wander. Help me to remain in your love and to abide in you.

Remind me the power of your saving grace, amazing love, and the gospel of salvation. You are the Way, Truth and Life. You're my everything, my all in all. help me to love you, love others, and even myself rightly. Fill me with contentment, patience, and gratitude. You deserve all glory, honor and praise. thank you for your presence and your unending love.

thoughts

...thoughts

What Matters Most

jus wanted to share this..

A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up the remaining open areas of the jar.He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – (GOD), your family, your partner, your friendships, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.”

“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

The Fault in Our Stars

"I'm in love with you," he said quietly.

"Augustus," I said.

"I am," he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. "I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."

-John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

love yo self

When you think about yourself, do you like yourself? For awhile I hated myself. I had a low view of myself. I saw myself through very negative lens. I had a negative self talk, which does me no good. I was very angry at myself. very angry.. I still struggle to forgive myself and move away from obsessive guilt. i wrestle with myself daily. and i still seem to stumble over myself. But I'm starting to see the value of changing the way i think about myself. It's not about if we'll face trials, mistakes and failure. It's about choosing how we'll respond to them.

memorizing scripchur

I wish there was an audio bible in john piper's voice. so soothing, lol. Last week, I had a co-worker recite 3/4ths of Romans ch. 8 from memory. He said it took him almost a year. he was reciting it word for word as i followed. It really blew my mind. It inspired me to start memorizing scripture. The Navigators came up with this book that includes 64 bible verse memory cards in different translations. It's cool cuz u can easily stick a few cards in your wallet, and practice one or two a week.. I've had friends that could quote verses like nothing. And it was honestly very useful for ministering to others and for meditating on those passages.

 There's a few references in scripture where people are eating a scroll and digesting God's word. Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Since i've kinda already failed at reading the entire bible in a year, and doing daily devotions, i think I'm gonna switch to trying to memorize a few verses. even tho my memory sucks. I can't believe ppl back in the day could memorize the entire torah and psalms.

I once asked my professor. I feel bad that i don't read a lot of the bible that often. He said, "It doesn't say anywhere we're supposed to read a bunch of scripture. We're told to meditate on scripture day and night." So even if we don't pray for a bunch of hours or read a bunch of chapters everyday, we can still listen and wait on God. We can meditate on his word and abide in him. It's not about Doing a bunch of spiritual disciplines to please God. It's about simply Being with God and enjoying his presence.

Forgiveness

I struggle to forgive myself. As Christians we acknowledge that God has forgiven all our sins by the atonement of Jesus Christ. but yet we often struggle to forgive others and ourselves. There's a verse somewhere that talks about "forgive as you have been forgiven." Maybe it's the parable of the unmerciful servant?

I have a difficult time letting go, moving on, and forgiving myself. even the frozen girl knows to "let it go". mm.. ok i wont use that joke again. I find that i can be very obsessive in my thoughts, which cause negative emotions to stir in me. I usually condemn myself, punish myself and have a very negative self view of myself. I've even come to the point of hating myself. which is the opposite of loving one's self. i don't think i love myself. so that's something to work on.

We're taught to love God, others and ourselves. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Yet i hold so many failures against myself. This lingering unhealthy guilt seems to cause my heart to ache everyday. I know i deserve wrath and punishment. Even tho I see God's grace available, i often figure i should punish myself. I reflect too much on my past mistakes, and it seems to dictate my mood in the present.. sometimes I feel like lady macbeth (minus the lady), where she's sleepwalking trying to wash blood stains off her hands again and again.  and yet her conscious jus can't seem to find rest.

Trust II

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Heb. 11:1

There was a sitcom called the Brady Bunch. Their intro song is still embedded in my mind. Anyways.. in one episode the Father was working on some blueprint plans in the living room. Marcia couldn't see it from afar. So she tiptoed closer and closer until she could see them over his shoulder. As we draw closer to our Heavenly Father, we also get a better view of His plans for us.

Much of his foundational/ general will has already been revealed to us in His word. He wants us to come to Christ. He wants our hearts. In regards to His specific will, sometimes He chooses to not let us know it all. It requires us to trust and take daily steps of faith. It's okay to not know where we'll be ten years from now. it's ok not to know.

I used to think that verse Isaiah 55:9, "His ways are higher than our ways, and his thoughts are higher than our thoughts," was just a cop out answer to not understanding his divine mysteries. But really.. it's about trusting that God knows best and has the best plans for us. You know that Jer. 29:11 verse everyone quotes about, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..?" like yeah he does.. but we kinda skip the verses like right before that, that talk about how God carried his people into exile and captivity in Babylon for seventy years!

Sometimes kicking us outside of our comfort zone, suffering and trials are part of His sovereign will. He allows these things so that we can acknowledge and repent of our sin / idols. And in this sanctifying process He purifies us, strengthens us, and grows us closer to the likeness of Christ. God's plan is for us to pursue holiness and righteousness. That's so much easier said then done. But that's why we need to depend on the Father, Son and Holy Spirit to help us.

Question.. is it possible to place our hope and trust in God for things that we're not quite sure he'll do? like.. i know we can place our faith in knowing God will bring about his promise of salvation. but like what about things we don't know if he'll do or not. im tryin to learn to trust God with my past, present and future. trying to trust that God will make me be the person he's called me to be. i realized that ive been putting a lot of my faith in myself and not really in God's power. God always can, but it doesn't mean he will. 

And if God doesn't quite heal and restore a friendship in the way i'd hope for, provide in the way we expect, or reveal detailed plans of our future, then he reminds me that everything will be okay anyway. Even when things suck.. God is still good.  i've made some really immature and stupid mistakes lately, because i think i can solve problems on my own. i get frustrated when i can't fix something or make things right. not being able to reconcile with someone interrupts my sense of peace. like.. when someone's made at u or hates you, u jus feel like u suck as a person. when we hurt ppl, we usually feel guilty. And sometimes friendships take a long time to heal, or they just poop out completely. but God reminds me that his grace is greater than my sin. He can repair things that we can't. and again, even if things don't work out, we know that God is still with us and that he can give us peace even in the midst of loss and brokenness.

Our future doesn't need to be dictated by our past. We can choose to live more abundant and joyful lives by trusting God. We can be as close to God as we want to.. it's jus a matter of seeking him with all our heart, soul and strength. We'll all make our handful of stupid mistakes, we'll all have heartache and pain. But these are opportunities to trust that God is still God. God doesn't necessarily want to jus give us easy lives. He wants us to grow. actually.. he really just wants our heart. so he reveals sin and idols in our life, and then draws us back into fellowship with him. what a loving and patient God. so full of grace.. The more we see our ugly sins. The more beauty i see in God's grace.

i guess when u really do reach the very end of yourself, God reveals himself as our answer. he's patient like that. he shows us that we jus crash and burn when we do things on jus our sheer efforts. and then he waits till we're ready to come to him. im tired of living on my own willpower. God showed me that i need to jus give up my own chaotic efforts, and just surrender, trusting that God's ways are better than my ways. i realized that i really do need to begin trusting God in all areas of my life.

dear papa God
uhm.. i know ive been a little absent lately, but i miss how i used to be closer to u. i kno i kinda ran off in my own direction, but please draw me back. remind me of ur super awesome love. mm.. could u also pls help fix the things i broke? please heal those ive hurt. help me to be more faithful and to trust you in all things. help me to surrender my selfish desires, and submit to your will. God i really screwed up, help me to live with my consequences. help me to learn from my mistakes. restore my heart and soul. i want to make you first, but i struggle to do that daily. remind me of my need for you, and that it's u that ultimately satisfy me. God.. im so lost without you. speak to me father. block out all the other noisy distractions in my head. Be with those i care about, and also the people i dont really pray for much too. help me to love and become selfless. i want to pray in stronger faith and confidence, knowing that you listen to my supplication request. help me to lay down my life and my stubborn pride. God give me peace of mind, i usually get too many thoughts floating around cluttering my quiet times. pls give me self-control and discipline to be better. help me to be okay even if things aren't really okay. help me to be more Christ centered instead of being so chris centered. please fill me with joy, give me spiritual rest and energy to get through each day. help those who are hurting, who are hungry or lonely. Could you help strengthen my faith and remind me that your there sometimes? help me to trust u even when i cant always sense ur presence. sorry im asking u for so much, i jus really need u back as the center of my life. so yah.. thanks for being awesome

strengths finder

here's a book i'd recommend. It's called Strengths Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath. It helps find your top strengths.. go figure.. i'd say it's pretty accurate., cuz the test thingy comes with it.. i think a lot of my strengths have to do with trying to help others. 1,3&5 are contemplative and try to connect patterns for solutions.. while 2&4 are strengths that try to support others. so i guess counseling is something i probably would enjoy. The book focuses primarily on how one deals with working with others, career ideas, relational tendencies, and how one handles problems.

my top 5 are,


1) Strategic    -People who are especially talented in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.

 2) Restorative  -People who are especially talented in the Restorative theme are adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it.

 3) Deliberative  -People who are especially talented in the Deliberative theme are best described by the serious care they take in making decisions or choices. They anticipate the obstacles.

 4) Relator  -People who are especially talented in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.

 5) Ideation  -People who are especially talented in the Ideation theme are fascinated by ideas. They are able to find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena.

Trust

Things don't always go the way we plan. Things seem to happen a lot differently than our ideal hopes and expectations. A pretty important doctrine in scriptchur is this thing called faith. I guess the reason im blogging about this is because every area of my life seems to come down to faith. Faith is belief manifested. Faith played out in our life looks like trust. I think my theme for this season is trust.

If you're honest about it, we spend most of our days trusting in ourselves. We look to our own interest and fill our selfish desires before we consider God's plans. I guess i've been asking myself, have I really been trusting God? Has he been first in my thought life? I mean, yeah we trust God for our salvation and in the power of his grace. But do we trust God with our future? our finances? our relationships? our insecurities, fears or pain? More times than not we turn to ourselves to try and fix our problems, or to try and make things the way we want it. We turn to idols and distractions to try and cope. Sometimes things are simply out of our control. And we just need to let go and let God.

counseling 101

avoid trying to share your own experiences and offering quick fix solutions. the goal is to direct them to God and not necessarily solve their problems. by focusing on soul care and growing closer to God, they may come up with their own right answer that works for them

1) Active Listening /  3 Ears

this is kinda hard to do. usually we're already pondering what we want to say instead of really listening to what someone's expressing. We need 1 ear to listen to what is being said, 1 ear to listen to what we may be internally sensing/observing, and 1 ear to listen to what the Holy Spirit is speaking. Listening is also a ministry of presence. it allows you to walk and be in their pain with them, acknowledging and affirming that their trial or pain is significant and difficult to deal with.

2) Concrete Questions

Sometimes we immediately think we understand their situation, when their experience could be much different from ours. Asking for more information using Who, What, When, Where, and How (not Why) questions can help others share more about what their dealing with. These open ended questions invite others to continue telling more specific details. It could help reveal more of their thoughts, feelings, values, attitudes, perspectives, assumptions, expectations, needs, etc.Or they can help them to think about something they haven't given much thought to. It also focuses the attention on the one sharing, rather than on the similar experiences of others.

3) Compassion Statements

mm.. oh yeah.. compassion statements are really just Reflecting back their content to show you understand. You wanna pick emotion words to try and guess to how they might feel. You also want to match the intensity of their feelings. Instead of saying, you must feel a little hurt, it may be more appropriate to say that must have made you feel really devastated or disappointed. basically jus don't undermine people's feelings.

The structure of a compassion statement is something like,
"I wonder if you feel ________ because __________" or
"It sounds like you feel ________ because _______."

ie.

"It sounds like you've been feeling a little anxious lately because you haven't received your test back yet. is that right?"

"I wonder if you feel conflicted because you're not quite sure if you should eat at jackn the box or taco bell. Is that close?"

and then u also want to ask for confirmation to see if your statement is close to how they feel or not.

4) relationship, realization, responsibility

mm... relationship is showing empathy, building trust, showing genuine interest and soul care. realization the "Aha!" moment you want them to find themselves. It's helping them uncover Roots or pattens in their past. what factors could be affecting their situation or behavior? it's like searching / propping for what could be underneath the problem. responsibility is helping them to change a false theological belief, perspective or wrong thinking, and then encouraging their will to respond in faith. After hearing them out, helping them to draw their own realizations, then can one offer possible helpful suggestions.

call of jury duty

so i got called for jury duty. it's my 3rd time. but the first two i was able to get excused cuz i was living in CA. I was resistant to go and was trying to think of a way to get out of it. They only pay you $30 + gas mileage for each day. Guess everyone hates it cuz it messes up their work schedule.

So i ended up being the first called to be on one of the 12 jury seats. There was a pool of about 70 other people. They all stayed and had to cram into a small court room. The judge then explained that the dude was accused of 2 accounts of attempted murder, possession of tons of firearms, breaking and entering, and theft. Everyone was silent, and was like.. daaaayum this is pretty serious! I think the guy is claiming he's not guilty and was using self-defense. And technically he's innocent until proven guilty. but with all those charges against him, it doesn't look so good.

recent lessons

Life seems to throw a lot of curve balls.  Suffering, loneliness, trials, pressures, grief, loss and brokenness seem to come with the package. Whenever we experience any heartache, suffering and pain, it's likely that God is trying to teach us something. Sometimes I get so caught up with jus focusing on my problems that i miss seeing what God may be doing in the midst of it.

We all have insecurities, scars, and sins we struggle with. But this is exactly why God died for us. God calls us to repentance. We all have our handful of mistakes and failures. There's things we shouldn't have said or should've said. But God is a God of grace and patience. Eventually there's something in all of us that seeks something greater than what this world can offer. There's a turning point where we get sick of our sin, and like the prodigal son, we start the process of returning home to our Father. He graciously forgives us, welcomes us back in fellowship and invites us to find rest in Him. From there His love begins to transform us, and His Spirit leads us to pursue holiness.

Easter is coming up, and it's a good reminder to reflect on how Jesus died for our sins. His blood purchased our freedom. If it wasn't for Jesus we would all rot in eternity for our sins. We don't really understand our depravity and how much wrath our sins deserve. Without God intervening there would be absolutely no hope and no salvation. Do we really trust that Christ's sacrifice was worthy of taking all the wrath our sins deserve? He calls us to respond in faith. He calls us to take up our cross daily and to follow him. Sometimes we jus forget and undermine the importance of God's saving grace. Apart from Him, there is no other way, truth or life.

But God..

- "you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good" Genesis 50:20
- "my flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:26
- "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful" 1 Corinthians 10:13
- "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8
- "But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ" Ephesians 2:4-5

Our Generation

This poem was written by a 14 year old boy, Jordan Nichols

Our generation will be known for nothing.
Never will anybody say,
We were the peak of mankind.
That is wrong, the truth is
Our generation was a failure.
Thinking that
We actually succeeded
Is a waste. And we know
Living only for money and power
Is the way to go.
Being loving, respectful, and kind
Is a dumb thing to do.
Forgetting about that time,
Will not be easy, but we will try.
Changing our world for the better
Is something we never did.
Giving up
Was how we handled our problems.
Working hard
Was a joke.
We knew that
People thought we couldn’t come back
That might be true,
Unless we turn things around
(Read from bottom to top now)

don't judge a book by it's cover

So i got this new teaching/ tutoring job for students with learning/mental disabilities. I guess it's a special ed academy. i mainly teach math, but also teach devotion time, some english and PE. Eventually after training ill teach english phonics / and maybe science.. Jus when i thought i finally got away from school..

Short Term 12

This is how movies should be. it gets so many things right. it hits so many emotions. you actually begin to care about the characters. i think the main character is also in "The Spectacular Now" too. Why are independent films so good?! Anyways, this girl named Grace is a foster care supervisor at this facility for at risk teenagers that deal with some pretty heavy problems. Even tho life can spiral out of control at times, having people who show that they genuinely care can bring about restoration, recovery and healing. There's this one scene where all the teenagers write, draw and make cards for this girl who's going through a hard time. it hits ya right in the heart

the movie is about how people cope when life gets hard. Even when Christians know we have God who is always there for us, it's still not hard to get overwhelmed and breakdown. Imagine how much harder it is for those who don't know the love of God and the love of community. 

I admire how these workers devote their lives to being there for teens who have gone through some trauma. They organically practice a ministry of presence. They listen and use talk therapy. But ultimately, the healing derives from love and friendship. They go out of their way to care about those who are hurting. too often we dismiss those around us, cuz we simply don't have the time or care to reach out. Sometimes it's difficult to be available to others when we're caught up with our own busyness. This movie reminded me that an act of love and presence can really change lives.

The movie is interesting because Grace is reminded of her past when she meets a girl who is going through similar problems. It was touching to see how she finds healing with her own pains and is able to be a bigger sister for those who aren't able to cope. There's something in all of us that tries to withdraw and push people away. We don't want to talk about it and just want to be alone. But healing isn't always an easy process. It forces us to go beyond our comfort zones and trust God and others with our pain. I think we all need at least someone to be there for us. We're all works in progress and we all need support. We all need someone who cares, who understands and is willing to listen. I aspire to be that kind of person to others. I want to protect those who are hurting. i really jus want to do that right. i want to be a good caregiver, a brother and a friend. i really do want to be better at loving others, but sometimes i jus don't know how. In order to be love to others, we must first receive love from God and others. then it overflows. God calls us to love, and that can start by being a good friend. take small steps in the right direction

______
i saw a rat run underneath this juice stand in the mall yesterday. it was gross.

guh u ever have a song u hear, but u don't know the lyrics, song or title..

i like to hug my little cat but then sometimes he runs away. this is why puppies are better

oh i saw the lego movie. so awesome. except i was really tired and fell asleep in the middle. batman was funny. I'm inspired to make a lego video

at night when u go to bed, ur brain activity is supposed to go down so u can sleep. my brain activity goes up, and my mind gets wide awake. probably because the night is so peaceful, it's easier to think clearly. but it doesn't help when u should be sleeping

I'm trying to not to worry about it. but what am i gonna do for 40+ hrs a week for the rest of my life? can't i jus hangout with friends, watch movies and play games? guess not.. i was talking to a really smart guy. he said.. maybe ur eager to get ur ideal job right now, when maybe God is still preparing for u to be ready for it. sometimes we think we're ready for something when we really aren't. God pls lead me to the right job u want me to be at. 

u know u like naps too much when u take a nap when ur not even tired.

i really wish i could record my dreams. being in exciting awesome worlds and then forgetting jus bites..

if i slept right now, i would only get like 2 hours of sleep. cuz I'm supposed to wake up at 4ish to get to somewhere by 5am. cuz i signed up for the aloha run which is 8 miles. 1 mile is usually enough for me. i plan to walk most of it. it's supposed to rain. really not excited about it right meow. when i lack sleep, I'm jus not a very happy person lol.. doing laundry at 1 in the morning is never a good idea

u know how u need like 6-8 hours of sleep. what if u took like a 3 hour nap, woke up for a few hours.. then slept for another 3 hours. does that count as 6 hours? Too bad u can't jus sleep for like 24 hours and stack up energy for the week and then jus stay up a night using reserved sleep power. like roll over mins. i decided I'm jus gonna stay up. maybe 1 hour power nap.

do u think everything happens for a reason? are things meant to happen a certain way? its funny how if we could go back into the past. most of us would use it for a selfish reason. i watched a justice league movie called flashpoint, and the flash could've stopped hitler or saved jfk, but he decides to save his mom. but because he does, the whole world and timeline of events are different. jus makes me wonder.. what if i made better decisions and protected the things and people i cared about. how different would life be?  

I'm really craving eggs rice and bacon. with ketchup. maybe some toast and juice 

i also ended up committing to be a speech debate judge, driving a van and helping out a high school retreat, and helping a few people with delivering their presentations. volunteering to help can be good, but sometimes it might be wiser to learn when to say yes or no. Sometimes i ask past chris why he hasta say, "sure no problem" when future chris often ends up over stretching himself.

There are certain people and things that are worth waiting for. protect the things that are most important to u, because u may not always have them. I need to learn to trust God and wait patiently. I'll wait.. no matter how long it takes.

title

probably gonna go see that lego movie soon, it looks funny. i used to love playing with legos as a kid. man i think i could bust out a box of legos right now. i don't see why we haft stop playing jus becuz we grow older. oh yeah.. responsibilities and surviving in this world chokes out all the fun.

the other day my cousins were outside playing. and instead of plain with phones and video games, they were playing with rocks, and later chalk. i really could use a break from technology. probably gonna take a break from blogging too. anyways, it was really refreshing to see kids play with stuff besides electronics and virtual stuff. kids basically make up their own fun. they have so much laughter. little kids seriously have so much life and joy in them, it's quite contagious. i realized that rocks and chalk without a friend jus isn't that fun. really.. friends are what make playing fun. we don't laugh by ourselves. well… not usually lol..

I guess I'm kinda late on watching the movie, but i jus watched "Howl's Moving Castle." Bizarre, strange and jus a really interesting storyline. I really like the fantasy of new worlds, like with a team of people on a quest. powers and abilities.. good over coming evil. I liked how the girl just accepts everyone with unconditional and geniune kindness, even after the witch put a curse on her. it's a good reminder to treat others well regardless of appearances, age, where they're from, etc. especially the elderly. i think the movie coulda been better with a totoro though. i don't get why that "Spirited Away" guy keeps putting dark shadow demonic spirit globs in all the movies.. jus take them out, they're weird.

if i were in the movie business i think it'd be fun to come up with a story plot and draw all sorts of neat characters and creatures. it'd be awesome to get paid to do something you love. art is kinda like life cuz sometimes things jus don't go the way you imagined, but in the end there's also unique beauty in imperfection. art is like creating life. mkay bye.


I slowly walk in the opposite direction
i turn to look back
you're not there
all i see is sand
and no road in front of me
the skies are grey
the air is thick and cold
my soul is parched
i continue to walk
days go by
i fall to the ground
exhausted
i lay there
unable to move
no one is coming
no one cares
i close my eyes
i see you
smiling

awaken by the storm
i realized it was jus a dream
im still here
in a sea of nowhere 
you're not coming
you don't care

i lie to myself
i close my eyes again

ill hold on because i dont know how to let go
ill fight, ill wait, ill pray
even if u never come back

why do i still feel like i've lost everything?
i thought i really did know you
but maybe i dont
can u please stop the pain
instead of shutting me out
i know i screwed up 
i couldnt control the beating inside me
will u hold it against me forever?
i dont want to say goodbye

cant things jus be good again?
what exactly happened?
things changed so quickly
i dont think i really understand
but i refuse to give up
even the worst storms fade
and cities are rebuilt 
is it not worth saving?
is it not valuable?

i don't like facing reality
there's a reason why people escape
even to their false worlds
because if u can't see the light,
you minus well dream it

sometimes i wonder
am i waiting for a bus
that jus isn't coming?
shouldn't the bus have come by?
its ok, ill jus sit and wait here alone
jus leave me here
ill do my best to wait
how many more days, weeks, months, years?
as long as u don't say never
jus give me another chance

do u ever pretend that you're ok?
sometimes i find myself pretending
even when no one is around
sometimes our best jus isn't enough
sometimes I'm afraid to look inside
because i know there's deep pain
emptiness, despair, loneliness, guilt
and i begin to over think and dwell
so i try not to look inside
but if that's the case
who is my facade fooling?

do i care too much?
or do i jus get too attached to people?
i tell myself, "i'll jus not think about it"
eventually things will get better, right?
it's not like i can do anything else
are things meant to be unresolved?
why does this pain seem to linger?
this silence haunts me
God please fix this, i know u hear me
please save us